Do I have a chance in the lesbian world?

This is a bit long... but it would really make my day to hear everyone's honest opinions.

So, I’ve been exclusively attracted to women for as long as I can remember. But because of homophobia I was ashamed. Throughout my life I tried so hard to be attracted to just 1 guy, but it never worked. The idea of being with a man was disgusting. I was terrified to admit to myself that I was a lesbian. Deep down I knew it was true, but I was determined to force straightness, even if I had to pretend. I didn't want to deal with the bullying. I grew up around very homophobic people.

My attraction to men (I've only ever been attracted to a few) felt very forced, or underdeveloped. Because I had to actively, obsessively search for it. I’d survey every guy I came across, asking myself, ‘is he cute?’ or ‘could I imagine being with him?’ and the answer was always no. The male body per se never appealed to me. The only time I ever felt attraction to a guy (which was rarely) was if I was friends with one first, and if he expressed interest first. The emotional bond made it easier for physical desire to develop, but I still felt pretty uncomfortable. I liked a couple guys in highschool, only because they were very persistent and liked me first, but when we tried to have sex, I tensed up and pulled away. I couldn't do it, I couldn't get aroused enough, if at all.

I've almost been with a girl, just brief cuddling and such, but she sent me mixed messages and it never got very far and ended quickly. I was in love with her. She ditched me. I was crushed, but also ashamed, because of extreme internalized homophobia. I never spoke of it and told myself I’d make myself straight/bi. But still, I was crushing on girls left and right and even fell in love with my best friend, but was too afraid to tell her. Again, for the record, my attraction to women was always there, I never “questioned” it, it’s a reality I've always known even when I tried to ignore it. (I don’t know if this counts or is even appropriate to talk about, but I've done sexual things with other girls a few times when I was 6-9 yrs old, but I’d nevvver tell anyone about that) Anyway, on the other hand, my attraction to men was 'learned'. If I’d never forced myself to like specific men (again, I've only ever been attracted to a few, and it took until highschool for it to happen at all), if I'd grown up unafraid of being gay, I wouldn't have even noticed any attraction to them in the first place.

I tried and tried to force myself to have PIV with men, but the discomfort became so extreme and I’d pull away and sometimes have a panic attack. Now I have a phobia of any kind of penetration. I have vaginismus because of it. I’m not a prude, I have a high sex drive, and can be with women just fine. I’m just traumatized by trying to force myself to have sex with men.

But I was still in highschool, surrounded by homophobia, I was social-phobic, and scared shitless. I still tried to force myself to become straight, and for a while I thought I was at least bi. I was in a long term relationship with a man, but I wasn't happy for long. I did feel sexual for him at first, and I loved him, but it faded fast, the sex part just didn't work out. My novel interest in dick faded fast, and I still didn't want to be penetrated, and never have been. I loved him more for who he was. He was and still is my best friend. I stayed with him for so long because I was a coward and wanted a safe/secure future, and I thought I just needed more time to “open up” to the idea of enjoying sex with him, I thought I still had a chance to “straighten” myself, but I just couldn't.

I just don’t want men. I can’t feel attraction to them at all now, ever. Even if my life depended on it, my body won’t let me. I hate when they flirt with me, look at me, etc. But my past might make some people think I’m a liar, or just confused, etc. But I’m 100% serious. I only want women.

When I finally unashamedly and proudly embraced the 'gay' part of myself, it came rushing forward like a broken dam and drowned out my ability to be attracted to men at all. I don’t even know if I was ever “truly” attracted to them in the first place, but I put on a damn good show at pretending to be straight. I was stupid and in highschool. My transient, half-baked attraction to a few men was a socially instilled, learned behavior. I’m fully confident in my attraction to women now.

I plan on being exclusive with women for the rest of my life, I have no doubts about it. It’s so easy, so natural to be attracted to women. I'm 23 now, tired of stuffing it down, I want to be who I am. But for some reason I feel like I don’t have “the right” to be out as a lesbian. Do I have the right to call myself a lesbian, or would that be disrespectful to the “real/gold star” lesbians, since I've loved and been sexual with a man in the past (but found it didn't work out and wasn't my thing)? I’d be so sad if other lesbians thought I was 'faking' or 'just confused’ if they heard that I've been with a man for so long. But I can’t call myself bisexual, because I DO NOT experience sexual attraction to men.

Considering all this baggage, do I have a chance in the lesbian world? Do I have the right to call myself a lesbian? Will I be rejected if I go to a lesbian bar and chat someone up and then they find out I've only really been with a man? I mean, I understand if they’re wary at first, but will they understand that I was just scared of homophobia, scared of who I really was? Will they hear me out? Or will they diss me or not trust me, even if I explain everything and earn their trust? Am I gonna be alone forever? I mean, I’m not even sure if I have the right to wear a rainbow bracelet for f*ck’s sake, since I've only been with a man, all because of stupid, stupid decisions I made in highschool because I was scared and in denial. But I wanna wear a damn bracelet, because it’ll help me be “visible”. And I wanna dress for more visibility. But I’d feel ashamed since I've only been with a man. But I love women, I always have… is that not enough? Would most lesbians reject me if they knew this? Would this be a dealbreaker? I wish I could go back and start over...

 

Eh why the strict dichotomy? I've heard from plenty of lesbians that not all lesbian relationships are based on the fem/bottom thing... Seems kinda restrictive. I'd be dominant, submissive, or just "go with the flow/equal" depending on my mood. Does there really have to be one or the other? Come on now... :|

You didn't even address anything in my post. Anyone else have some actual well thought-out opinions and input? I have no one else to talk to... I know it's gonna depend and vary from person to person, but considering that a lot of people here have experience being a lesbian, what are some generalizations, and what should I generally expect based on my experiences?

 

I am not a goldstar, by far...but I haven't been with a guy for over 15 yr since I came out & even before then I was never into them. I just tried real hard to hide the gay by denying being inlove with my female friend while hooking up with guy after guy that never did a thing for me. However thank goodness a girl in college kissed me & finally I didn't want to keep pretending that was what felt right & like fireworks for me. It was always girls that rocked my world & so I might off faked it with some guys, but Ive always been gay & known I was. I just am & I don't care if some1 that is gold star wants to hold my internal struggle with homophobia & coming out difficulties agains me, but i know who i am & I can honestly say it has and will always be the female sex & the female sex only that does it for me.

 

I've seen a lot of lesbians put themselves in this "lesbian heiarchy." Like how some consider others to be "bad lesbians." Why make people feel bad about trying to be part of a community they want to identify with. A lot of times we've come from places that are critical of us. The past is the past. You are who you are. Don't let people make you feel bad about who you are.

 

Of COURSE you have the right to call yourself a lesbian, hun, if that's what you want to do.

Speaking personally, I detest labels and don't use them. Labels are for groceries, not for people is my attitude. But a lot of people seem to find them helpful, so if you're one of them, go ahead.

From what you say, if you want a label to describe yourself then "lesbian" sounds like a pretty valid label to me.

Humans are social animals, and there is a strong instinctive urge to conform in order to fit in with the social hierarchy. And in our society as it exists today, conforming or "fitting in" generally involved being seen to be overtly heterosexual. So you tried that, and IT DID NOT WORK. Why did it not work? It did not work because YOU ARE NOT HETEROSEXUAL.

Therefore, so far as I can see, your high school experiences with men do not invalidate your self-identification as a lesbian. Far from it in fact: they actually validate it!

Try to see it in this light, because really and truly, THIS IS NOT AN ISSUE!

Big hug from me,

Becky