Do I expect too much from my daughter?

Discussion in 'Parenting' started by sugrmag, May 26, 2004.

  1. sugrmag

    sugrmag Uber Nerd

    My eldest daughter, Madeline, is 5 yrs old. I'm not a tyrant by any means, but I do expect her to tell the truth, clean her room, and be polite. She does pretty good, but she has a problem with lying. I'm trying to keep her trust for the teenage years by letting her know that no matter what, if she tells the truth, she won't get in trouble. But, she has been making up whoppers lately.
    For instance, she told her father that her step-dad and I spank her. We do not. I'm sure she is just trying to get attention from him because he only sees her once a month, but it causes more problems than I need. She also will hide her veggies in random places around the house. I don't force her to eat every bite. She doesn't have to eat anything she doesn't want to. And when I ask her if she hid her food, she flat out lies, even though I tell her to just tell me the truth, and she won't get in trouble. Is it normal for kids this age to lie more? Do I need to chill out?
     
  2. liven_jaded

    liven_jaded Member

    My non-professional guess is that she is just testing you. She is just seeing how much she can get away with. I can remember making up the dumbest lies just to see how much I could get away with. I can't really think of a solution to the problem though except to praise her when she tells the truth.
     
  3. Earthy Mama

    Earthy Mama Feel my wrath... ;)

    This sounds weird but I've heard this before. The more believable of a liar your child is, the more socially popular/excepted she is. It has something to do with personality. I don't think lying at 5 like that is bad. I think maybe shes exploring her boundries? She has a little sister doesn't she? Maybe, shes angry about her growing and having more of the spotlight on her when she does things? I don't know though, my kids are young so I haven't experianced this yet. I hope you find some answers!
     
  4. Well, I'm not a mom, so don't quote me on anything, but I'm sure every kid goes through a lying phase. Especially around that age when kids are still developing their "theory of mind"--the concept that other people have thoughts different from their own. If you still are on good terms with her father, I would discuss the problem with him so that he knows about it and keep reinforcing to her the idea that lying is wrong. As long as you keep this up, she should grow out of it. If it is still continuing or gets worse in a few months from now maybe you should consider taking her to a psychologist--especially since it might be related to something else, i.e. her not seeing her father enough.

    Hope it helps.

    Pax,
    Kate
     
  5. pandiebeer

    pandiebeer Member

    The Dr. Phil in me would say don't spank or yell, but talk to her. Let her know how her actions make you feel. Work out an acceptable punishment. Like tell her if this happens again she'll not be able to do a cartain thing and make sure she understands. This way you can teach her that she can decide her action but that there is going to be a reaction. It will help develop her conscience.
     
  6. WayfaringStranger

    WayfaringStranger Corporate Slave #34

    it is very nice to be reasonable and passive with raising kids. but fear and discipline will keep them safe. its a fine line to walk, but if you dont your kids will wak all over you. if you catch her in a lie, she should be punished.
     
  7. tom

    tom Member

    I was stealing cars and making pipe bombs by the time I was 5. Don't sweat it too much. It's a normal thing. However you shouldn't let it slide. Make sure you keep her in check. Spare the rod, spoil the child.
     
  8. Mari

    Mari Member

    You'd be right about why she is lying to her father. Perhaps she thinks by telling him this he will come back and live with you. She's probably hiding her veggies for the same reason. Her way of dealing with something she doesn't have any control over.

    When she lies ground her or take something way from her that she enjoys. Explain to her that by telling lies she is making it so that you can't trust her, and that she's only hurting herself by doing it. I just had to do this to my 10 year old...boy did he tell a whopper! He's not supposed to cross this one road by our house and his friend lives on the otherside. So he told me that his friend had moved to our street a couple weeks ago. I thought not much of it because people do that all the time around here, and I had seen the moving truck that weekend. Turns out he lied to me the whole time and has been crossing the street anyway. LOL...have to laugh at how smart he was to tell me all that, but I sure didn't let him know that. Now he's not allowed past where I can see him from the front porch, for a month. It's gonna be a long month ;)
     
  9. sugrmag

    sugrmag Uber Nerd

    I have done that, Mari. I mentioned in another post that I took all of her toys away, and now she has to earn them back. She also had to call her father and tell him that she lied to him. I just don't want to be too hard on her because she is just 5, not even in kindergarden yet, and is the biggest sweetheart. Other than the lying thing, she is wonderful. Her cousins are absolute spoiled brats, so I only have to think about them to realize how lucky I am.

    I do punish her. But, I don't have to have her be afraid of me. I don't spank, there is no reason to. I was spanked with a belt when I was a child, for the stupidest things. That is not tolerated by me.
     
  10. Mari

    Mari Member

    Then you've done everything you can, and I think earning her toys back is a good idea. When she goes to school that's what they usually do when kids misbehave. Maybe when she sees that it will click.

    A little fear is not a bad thing, just enough so that she will think about what will happen if she does lie. Meaning that she will worry a bit that she will lose something she likes and is it worth it. Kids are smart...sometimes too smart! LOL

    Cheer up she won't do it forever and you are doing the best you can :)
     
  11. She is at the age where she will lie. Its like story time to her. My neice did the same thing she will make up stories like crazy and lie about everything. Just re-enforce her on the lieing thing. Let her know that leing isnt nice and it hurts peoples(especially your) feelings. Just keep in mind she wont lie about the important things.
     
  12. they do make up stories at that age.


    did i ever tell you the story where ashley turned on the fire place by herself. playing with fire! it is electric, but still...

    i asked her, did you turn on the fire..."no i think it was jamie". "jamie is not tall enough to hit that switch and she has been on the couch wiht me all morning".

    then there was the time ashley hid her mother's curling iron. this was really f-ed up. she ahd a big old burn on her ear, and marya noticed this and asked what it was. she said she didn't know, but it hurt. marya knew it was a burn, but let it go, not figuring out how she could have burned herself. well a week later ashley gave her the curling iron and it was hot! she got long talking to after that one.

    i think the moral of the story is that kids do some pretty stupid stuff. they get these ideas in their head...like daddy will let me stay longer with him at his house if i tell him mommy hits me.

    crazy.

    you are doing a great job.
     

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