is complete unhappiness enough reason to split when there are kids? he's not beating me (like my ex did) it's just that there's no communication,no real connection. things range from open seething hostility to complete disinterest to occasional polite conversation. I just feel like I am dying inside and have for several years now and have the opportunity to go where I want to be with friends who love and emotionally support me to give me help and I want desperately to have the life I deserve and wouldn't that be better for the kids? Is divorce always awful even when it's a change for the better?
in most cases, divorce is a good thing, for everyone involved. Think about what your children are learning about relationships. Do you want them to grow up to marry someone who is emotionally distant (which is a form of abuse)? You deserve to feel loved and to be treated with respect. (((((hugs)))))
that's a very good point. As rotten as both of my parents were, neither of them ever said anything bad about the other, ever. Growing up, that made a world of difference to me. I saw how much it hurt my friends when their parents would say horrible things about the other parent after the divorce, or when one parent refused to allow the children to see the other. Let your children come to their own conclusions about their father. They will thank you someday for allowing them the relationship with him.
yeah, i know what you are saying. My own parents divorce was such a nightmare for me,being put in the middle alot, I don't want that to happen for my kids. I also have been thinking what am I teaching them by staying, you know. the situation is sort of "energy abuse" as he is very negative and down about everything and has no belief in change, where as I have always been more positive. I believe in the magic of the universe,etc. its spiritually exhausting to live with someone who is a constant downer and puts you down if you express any hope. I know what I have to do,it's just a matter of keeping myself sane for the next few months because i have an opportunity to move away and stay with good friends then but not before. thanks for all the positive vibes in this forum.
sounds like depression. the basic question lies here: can you be productive and raise your children where you are (running doesn't help, even if you THINK you are running TO something)? Are you in any level still in love with the kids' father? then think of the mechanics of divorce: flying one kid is expensive, and the airlines kep bumping up the age where a kid is an unacompanied minor (my son's first flight, the age was 10. Now it's 14. Luckily, he turned 15 yesterday) and the fee for UA is increasing annually. How will the kids get to keep a relationship with their Dad? I've stood under awnings in the pouring rain while kiddo talked to his dad on a payphone. The rule was when mom yelled lighting! the convo was over. Will dad keep phone service or net service? My son's dad has been given three answering machines in 12 years. He's not using one right now, which means I can't even leave a call me message. What if Kiddo were here (like he will be next month) and something happened? I've no way to contact. You do have to balance yourself and the kid. no matter what you read here, it is YOUR decision, and one you will live with until the youngest is at least 18. Usually longer.
Obviously its your call in the end but: This is not that uncommon in marriage. One partner gets depressed and over time starts to attibute those negitive thoughts towards their spouse. Everything they do annoys you. If you really think about it though could you be contributing, creating the situations just to find the unhappiness. Yes, I know spouses can wreck the nerves at times. The other spouse starts getting resentful and even starts to play into the situations. Sometimes in a marriage you have to stop and restart the whole thing. Its hard because you both have to want to put in the effort and you both have to feel the other does to. I can tell you at one point my wife and I were where you are now. It took a lot of talking and starting over but I couldn't imagine us being happier now. I am just saying don't rush it and maybe its time to look deep for your inner feelings and his. Good luck.
I think there is really good advice here, I just want to throw in my experience as someone who's parents split up when I was eight, after having horrible fights before. I much prefer my parents split up. I can remember them yelling, still. That was over 10 years ago. And my mom crying. That hurt more than the divorce. However, I will always wish I had parents who got along, always. It's just something deep inside of me that wants that.
This isn't any kind of sudden impulse,the last 5 years or so have been leading to it. and honestly there is no way I can be productive where I am, I cannot drive and have been stuck in a place with no access to public transportation and out of walking distance of anything.If I go home to NYC I can get around, I can work, I can get my son into a good program for kids who have autistic issues, my daughter can attend an excellent school for gifted kids, I can get back into my life again. and this may be the only way my husband and I can start to get along again,really. I do still have love but I will end up hating him if I stay.He doesnt want help for depression,he just wants to smoke pot and be left alone. actually had a long talk with him about this today and guess it's gotta go this way. in the long run it's for the best
Whatever you decide, do it quickly. You said it's been this way for the last five years. You deserve to be HAPPY! Make the change quickly. Don't plan on staying "six month months" to save money, etc. It's like pulling a thorn from your foot, do it as quickly as possible and you'll feel better as soon as you do. One thing I hate is that people stay in unhappy/difficult/painful situations FAR too long, just because they're afraid to leave or think it's too difficult (I'm not saying this is necessarily the case with you) Good luck!
