Hello everybody. I hope someone could give me some advice on my not so unusual (I guess) but still unclear situation. I'm a 35 years old guy, good looking enough yet fairly masculine as you can get, had nothing but sexual experiences with women in my life and I considered myself for the most part of my life straight, especially from a sentimental standpoint. Still, possibly since adolescence I carry on fantasies about having affairs with men, in fact thoughts during masturbation almost exclusively involve men (and involve people I met or even friends sometimes) and almost exclusively in bottom/submissive roles. Several times I played with my ass but quite sporadically, never going too far, and sometimes I chatted online, getting into erotic gay conversations. Problem is, years passed and this aspect has just grown worse, I've got close to get real encounters but eventually backed down, I intensified my chatting, even did some on camera stuff, and I end up masturbating frequently since doing it thinking about all sort of men on men action gives a pleasure equal to make actual sex with my girlfriend. Problem is, to this day I'm still very reluctant and scared to go for real action, the fact that currently I'm engaged making it even worse. I reached the point that during a blowjob I had to imagine a man fucking me in order to finally come. At the same time, my actual physical attraction to men is weak, even though more palpable to those who seem to fit "my type". And surely the idea of sucking someone's cock for real and similar action do not bother me and actually arouses me, even though depending from a few of factors (hygiene, liking the penis in question and the aforementioned attraction for what I consider "my type"). So, which options should I consider? Just stick to imagination and let it go, or make the big step? In the second case, which partner should be advisable for a "first time" that could prove to be complicated? (there's always a chance of giving up at the last moment or even when the contact is made) And with all that going well, to which extent I should "train" my ass for anal sex and to which I should just let a hopefully understanding and more experienced partner handle the matter. Sorry for the long post and thanks to everyone reading and addressing it.
I might be a good idea to maybe start out as a top or side. Not disparaging being submissive or a bottom, but that might be your major obstacle being in that role. Being a top or side still lets you "not fully commit" while still playing with guys.
So you would like to have a buddy with similar thoughts and curiosities, masculinity and straight acting behaviors such as yourself (your type) right? You would like to keep things "private" between you two so you won't be judged by others especially those close to you like your girlfriend and family? Without knowing more about your current relationship with your girlfriend it's tough to give any kind of advise. You two are engaged so you plan on having a future with her? With limited knowledge of your current life situation and basing advice on my life's experience I would say that there are two options that are clear. First option; act upon your desires in private without your girlfriends knowledge.this can be a short term way to discover yourself and if it's something you like and would like to continue with.If you like it then you've got some long term problems that you'll have to deal with. but If you decide it's not for you then your done and check it off your list. If it turns out to be a turn on and you continue to peruse encounters things will get really complicated. While being engaged or married to your girlfriend/wife this will cause a lot of stress. She will find out eventually and this could be devastating to everyone involved. Second; and more fulfilling, safer and the way I would do it is to let her know what your thoughts are. It seems impossible to even begin how to start that process but if you can find a path to gradually bring up little parts about how you feel over a period of time you won't have to hide anything from her and she'll appreciate that in the long run. And remember marriage is about the long run. She may even want to participate in it with you if you play your cards just right and get lucky. Your post is something I can personally relate to and I made some big mistakes along the way. Best of luck.
Actually, that's likely my least worry in general. Yes, it's a good point in most cases, because for a man used to "straight" intercourses, go and take the gay equivalent of a woman as sexual role is a drastic change (sure, there are 100% straight men with the explicit fetish of passive penetration but that's besides the point). But in my case, submissiveness is a truly vivid part of my sexual intendecies, albeit a part of me I know I can only express with another man, and of course not just any man but the "right" one, the one able to perceive the extent and limits of my desire to submit (besides the outright spoken boundaries, which may be not enough though to develop actual chemistry. So no, from that point of view I have doubts or uncertainties, if anything is the worry to concede myself to the wrong match. I admit it would be nice but not strictly necessary. Even an experienced and understanding gay/bi versatile/top would do. I think both the personality and looks would be the most important factors to me, since, as I said, I can be madly attracted from those men fitting my type, but fairly unwilling to engage in anything with someone outside of that sphere (it's a fairly broad sphere, but if someone doesn't fit in it turns into an irredimable I can't break). As much as it annoys me a bit to admit it, yes. I may have used "engage" in a pretty broad manner, I'm no native speaker and Italian on top of that, so our societal norms and way to express the matter may be differ slightly. Besides, I'll try to be more specific then I have indeed a girlfriend but we have no intention to marry (at least for the time being) and we have no intention to start a family, as she already has a 18 years old daughter from her previous marriage and does not intend to have another (which is fine to me since I have no ambition to have children as well). We plan to eventually live together but I also have another house and a chunk of my social life very far from there. I no doubt feel absolutely satisfied and in peace with my sentimental life, even though the same can't entirely be said for the sexual aspect, as explained above. I always had these fantasies even when I was single, but in the end I've always been to reluctant to act, for several reasons (like doubts about my engagement in a real face to face scenario, especially if I felt something was out of place, or about trusting someone I didn't know that well handling my first time with a man, or also the fact that I've never been open about this aspect in my social sphere, with the exception of my girlfriend to which I mentioned something but not even closely the full of extent of my desires) but now this latent desire is affecting my sexuality even now that I have a stable relationship with a woman. In fact, I held these urges by so much time, since my 16 years, and I started to believe they can't be just a straight man having his weird fantasies for the sake of it, since the attempts to go for the real action have been many (not so much lately but because I have a girlfriend now indeed) but it the end fear and doubt always seemed to triumph. That's a good advice. And despite my clarifications above yes, the risk of liking it for real is that, regardless of the lack of marriage and built family (maybe this lowers the gravity of the consequences in case things went south, but since the stability I reached from the sentimental standpoint, it's a risk I'm doubtful I would take on the long run. Sure, even if I would like it I could just say to myself to give in two or three times, but I already feel in my guts that I won't be able to stop in my case. My desires are pretty intense now, I can't even imagine if I tasted the real thing and loved it. That's another interesting adavice, again despite my above clarifications. Unfortunately, I know my girlfriend well enough to say she's not even remotely the type to "participate" in the whole thing. She's a wonderful person and I love her, but I also know how harsh and unforgiving she can be if something I told her rubbed her the wrong way on a deep level. Again, it's a risk which I don't even know excatly how to take. As you mentioned, it seems indeed impossible to even conceive at the moment. Not saying it is, and maybe the right moments and times may favor the introducing of the matter, but right now I can't even begin to think about it. Then I thank you for your sympathy. If I may ask and only to the extent you feel comfortable to talk about it, which were your mistakes? And to which path you eventually laid? Thanks for your contribution, in any case.
There are tons of labels out there and, in general, I'm not a fan of labels. We live in the real world and labels do help us communicate our desires and interests. From what I've read, you appear "Bi Curious." That desire and interest in being with a man is in you but, you haven't acted on it yet. As stated by others, you have a couple of choices. 1) Act on it secretly 2) Be open with your fiancé. My journey was like this, Bi curious, then mutual masturbation with guys, then getting engaged under the assumption that it was a phase, being married and realizing that the desire is still there, now I lead a double life as a "straight" married man who plays with guys on the side. I now classify myself as Bi Sexual. I'm only interested in sexual play with guys, not relationships (that is commonly referred to as Bi Romantic). I wasn't open with my fiancé about my past because I felt that she would leave me. Being open is risky, but so is trying to lead a double life. You are 35, which in realty is still young. My curiosity kicked in in my early 30's. I had a number of years of confusion and shame. I recommend that you spare yourself that. If you don't act on it, you will be curious forever and will always second guess your decision. If you keep it a secret, you will be living that double life trying to please yourself AND your wife. I would recommend being open with your fiancé and exploring your desires. That will allow you to understand yourself more AND keep your conscience clean. If she bolts, then you will know that she is not the right woman for you. You are still single and you need to understand and live YOUR life first before you join your life with someone else. That's my two cents. Feel free to DM.
The truth is in the erection. Don't you get an erection when you see naked men who are exactly your type, in the same way you do with women? What is your type, what age range, what build etc.? And what about women in this respect, your girlfriend seems to be much older? There is a group of straight men who are only sexually attracted to women but want to play with other people's penises and enjoy passive anal sex (‘anal massage’) and perhaps submission, also known as tearoom sex. Peter M. Nardi, ''The Breastplate of Righteousness: Twenty-Five Years After Laud Humphreys' Tearoom Trade: Impersonal Sex in Public Places https://www.gvsu.edu/cms4/asset/F51281F0-00AF-E25A-5BF632E8D4A243C7/tearoom_trade_article.pdf So there are three groups of men who are interested in homosexual interaction. The heterosexuals (or straight plus) still largely fly under the radar, but are represented here in the bisexuality forum, although strictly speaking they are not bisexual at all You have clearly expressed your need for submission, but it is still unclear to me whether you want more from a man, such as a relationship, or whether you are not interested in it at all because you are only aesthetically and emotionally attracted to women. This passage, for example, indicates that you feel very strongly attracted to certain male bodies: I am surprised that you often emphasise that you are not attracted to bodies that are not your type. Doesn't that go without saying? I understand that discretion is of great importance to you because you live in Italy, perhaps in the conservative south, where it takes good detective skills to find a gay bar. I think you are now old enough and have enough courage to explore your homosexual interests and therefore you should definitely go for it now, of course with all the necessary medical safety precautions, bottoms should for example buy high quality condoms themselves that are meant for anal intercourse because only these are safe enough. You have no choice but to proceed with trial and error. The better you know what you want, the better you can be advised on which step to try next. Of course, your appearance is important for your chances of success in the gay market - tops like me need to see something that excites them, and men are often more discerning than women when it comes to choosing suitable bodies for sexual interaction.
Being engaged adds to your dilemma, right? Normally I'd say just go online to a grind site and explain what you want and find an understanding guy to walk you through your exploration. If you were in my town I'd be glad to stand naked with you to see how you react to different things. Do you have a discreet open minded friend? You might find you don't like sex with men and can just walk away once you know for sure. BUT having a fiance, what happens if you find out you enjoy sex with men, too? You will be a lot happier in time if you enjoy men AND your wife knows it. Or you find out you like sex with men and you're willing to sacrifice that pleasure for the sake of your marriage. So, if possible, find out before you say 'I do' and make sure your fiance knows you so you can explore more together later. Lots of guys out there that can't follow their cravings because they locked into a purely hetero marriage and can't talk to the wife. You could meet a guy today, explore, and mention at some point to your fiance that a long time ago (think minutes and seconds) you had an experience and it wasn't bad for you. See how she reacts. Main thing is to know yourself before you start making decisions that can't be undone.
I meant to also comment on not being able to cum from a blowjob unless you think of man sex. Nothing to worry about. That's a sign you fantasize about sex with men but also could mean you're not getting the best blowjob. I've had some bad blowjobs but never from a guy. For some reason men give the best blowjobs, though I've had a couple girlfriends who gave head like they knew exactly how it feels. Someone giving a blowjob that lets your mind wander to fantasy tells me the blower isn't skilled enough yet or just not committed to your orgasm. Me sucking your dick, you won't need to fantasize to cum in my mouth.
Our sexuality sure can get complicated. Not being married yet gives you some options many of us married guys don’t have. I’ve always had an attraction towards men since I was a young man. Women too. I can’t say I have trouble maintaining sexual interest with women. I got married at a young age and 45 years later I’m still married to the same woman and love her deeply. Her interest in sex has Wained since menopause. But even before that and I was getting lots of sex with her I still had this attraction and desire to have sex with a man. At first it was just his cock I was interested in. I eventually gave into the desire and exchanged bj’s a few times with a few guys. It didn’t satisfy my urge and fall into the category of, well I tried that and I can move on from it. No, I really liked it. Then I bottomed and loved it. Now I can enjoy kissing a man, sucking his cock, getting fucked by him and enjoy cuddling and his company. I was in the market the other day and saw and attractive young man with a nice body and was attracted to him. It didn’t start out that way. I can tell you this, it is hard being married to a woman that would never understand or except my bisexuality. I love her deeply, but now that I have indulged my bisexual side it is very difficult to deny it. But it was difficult to deny it before I engaged in the activity. I’m not sure I would recommend getting married if you have attractions for men, unless your spouse knows about it. It is very, very difficult managing a double life.
