Developing a Complex

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by coward, Jun 2, 2006.

  1. coward

    coward Member

    Hello Hipp. I'm having relationship problems, and hope that some of you may be able to offer me some advice. Thanks!

    I've been dating my Fiance' for well over five years now. We're very good friends, and generally get along well in our day to day lives. We both work full time and have schedules that don't always sync up, but we're home at night with eachother (after 6pm) every night, so things aren't so bad.

    Sex has always been an issue for us. I have a moderately high libido (three times a week is *GREAT*) whereas my fiance' isn't so into it. She's been in several prior sexual relationships, but as we're both relatively young (22) they didn't mean much, and I try not to compare our relationship to them.

    We found out that she was pregnant about three months ago, and I couldn't be happier. I've always wanted to be a dad, and while this is a smidge earlier than I expected us to have a child, it's not at all a bad thing. We're both elated. Anyways, to the point.

    I am unhappy with the frequency of sex in our relationship, and with the amount of "attention" that she gives to our sex life and me. We've talked about me needing more sex, and the talks almost always end up in a fight. She takes a "take it or leave it" stance. That is to say, "we'll do it as much as I want to do it, and you don't have any say in it. I'm not going to *try* to get horny". This is all well and good for her, but I'm developing a complex. I don't feel attractive to her anymore, I feel sad all the time, and totally unfulfilled. She'll promise things like "we'll have sex tonight honey" and kiss me all seductively---so I get ready and in the mindset to do anything I need to to please her, and she gets in bed and wants to fall asleep.

    Just yesterday she hinted that I should come home for lunch (today is her day off) today and that I'd get a little suprise. I call her up a few hours ago to let her know that I'm going to come home around 12:00 and she says "Oh, you still want to come home for lunch? Ok, well---I'm busy, so I'll be doing stuff while you're here."

    I just keep getting smashed down and made to feel like a sexual failure and I don't know what to do. What do I say to her? What do I need to do or change to be more fulfilled? I'm *always* doing things to make her feel good in bed (and offering all the time) like eating her out or assuming whatever position she likes, yet she never does that kind of stuff for me. Getting Oral sex is a once in a blue moon kind of thing, and she never does it for long.

    I'm totally dedicated to this woman---I won't consider leaving her or cheating on her. I just need more from her, and I need all of your help in figuring out how I do that.

    Your help is really appreciated!

  2. Hikaru Zero

    Hikaru Zero Sylvan Paladin

    Why not just ask her to read this thread? :p

    You really have summed it all up. You're dedicated to her, but this is also troubling you. Not to a particularly huge degree, but explain this to her the way you explained it here.
  3. Dats Him

    Dats Him Member

    you both are young... it might not be the right match...

    sex is a big part in a relationship.. i acutally went thru something close..
    where i would get the i'm tired.. i'm not in the mood... she couldn't match my sexual appetite. it was becoming an issue for me because i would turn down many advances by sexy sexy females, and then go home and be turned down...
    eventually i started cheating and we drifted apart... i was 21 when we met... the relationship lasted a few years but it became to be a fight after a fight after fight... i grew tired of it and i had to leave that situation because i felt it wasn't healthy for me.... at your age.. you should expeirence different type of women to find out what type is right for you.....
  4. coward

    coward Member

    thanks for responding.

    @Hikaru Zero:
    That's a good suggestion. I don't think I would be so bold as to show her this thread, but I have told her how I feel. She knows that I'm unhappy with our sex life, but it unwilling to adjust at all. I keep feeling like it's something I'm doing wrong. Personally, I think we need some kind of councelling---someone well versed in these kinds of things, but she doesn't like the idea of sharing our personal life with a stranger.

    @Dats Him:
    While I realize that we're both relatively young, our relationship is not. We've been committed for a long time, and we're going to have a child together. Honestly, even if I wasn't getting any sex I wouldn't leave her. I still love her and this unborn baby enough to stick around. I don't want to create a broken home.

    I'm not a cheater and I don't want to be in another relationship. I want this one to change a little, sure, but that's all.
  5. .Hannah.

    .Hannah. Member

    Of course you don't want to leave her over something like this. It doesn't look good for anyone, and least of all for you.

    If you ask me plainly, the woman is spoiled rotten. Or she's been used and abused in the past for sexual favours and those things are just unbearable. I would say spoiled rotten from the screenname you've chosen - "Coward". Why are you beating yourself up over this? Don't be a doormat.

    I think councelling is a great idea but try and get word-of-mouth advice about where to go for those kinds of things. I'm skeptical personally of psychologists and councellors. Yet they're usually good professionals with the training for similar situations.

    It also sounds like YOU'VE been the one to constantly come up with possible solutions and alternatives. You may not be able to bear leaving her, but is it the same vice versa? ...what I'm trying to say is, how can a person love someone without caring if they're happy? or helping with solutions to find a middle ground? Why isn't she making that extra effort? Or is she? Is she even willing to consider and spend time thinking about alternatives? Or at least as much as you are?

    Given your situation and the coming baby, you feel that you're grounded and rooted here. I'm glad for you. But I have to say plainly, that love is not selfish and it should not be self-effacing to the point of destroying one's own morals (as she said, not stooping to "pretend" she's horny - and she's right, she shouldn't have to). Yet SHE must understand that you have needs too. It's drastically affecting your psyche, and even your energy levels.

    Are you going to deny this is no big deal? It sounds like a pretty big problem to me. I hope it is resolved soon.
  6. It is time, quite frankly, for you to be a man. Nothing more, nothing less. Now, I appreciate this is not easy, as many men will tell you, but it has to be done. It is the reason you are feeling so bad about yourself. I also strongly suspect your fiance wants you to be one, too!

    You have spoiled your fiance, I suspect, and I am not talking chocolates and flowers and all that, but simply that you clearly love her and have tried your best to please her, possibly to your own detriment, and you are now reaping the consequences. Life isn't fair. In an ideal world, your fiance would appreciate what a wonderful, considerate person you are....and she does, BUT, she will also wants you to 'wear the trousers' from time to time. In a relationship, women will 'test' you, sometimes unconciously, sometimes deliberately.

    I strongly suspect, that, if things were reversed, and it was SHE that had the stronger libido, and you behaved as she has....... then she would have left you. No messing. I also, suspect you believe this, too.

    This relationship needs you to stand up for yourself, and tell her - in no uncertain terms - that you love her, but you also need her love or she will lose you.
  7. andytangzx

    andytangzx Member

    come on. take it easy, love is not just sex, try to dividual love and sex,
    may be you could have sex with another female, it's ok, just sex, it's not betray your wife's love, so you can still love your wife, and fuck other female, but that is a sort-term do
    for the future, you could use the other new idea for your sex with your wife, use the medication, food, SEX-movie, romatic, and so on, actually, you dont need talk to her, you just set all that, and give the surprise to her, or sonme hints, such as you set a romantic dinner, the dinner mix some philter, when you have dinner, paly some romantic music, and then paly a sex movie, so you can do a lot of thing to match your
    sex relationship,
    remember, women want to have sex better than man, but their sex appetite just come slowly, and need to activating. while activation, may be post that is not you, is her
  8. .Hannah.

    .Hannah. Member

    ^What are you talking about? Did you not read what he said? The man already said he was not going to cheat on her.

    Most women need foreplay, not all. Great suggestions but I'm sick of seeing these absolute statements everywhere.
  9. mamaboogie

    mamaboogie anarchist

    (emphasis mine)

    If you think you aren't getting enough sex now, just wait until that baby is born! Pregnancy makes women insane, I'll admit it. If the problems are all recent developments, blame pregnancy hormones and hope it gets better when the kid is five or six...

    But it really seems to me there are more issues than just the sex, yes???? A relationship is an equal partnership. If one partner puts 200% into making the relationship work, and the other gives nothing, it is doomed to failure. I'm not saying this is the case with you and your baby's mama, but if it is the case, you need to get out now before you start feeling trapped and it becomes that much harder to leave.

    a broken home is better for the child than having parents who stay together in a bad relationship.
  10. opium_eyes

    opium_eyes Une Canadien Errant

    It's true. When my parents spilt all i wanted for years was for them to just grow up and get back together. Then I realized how truly unhappy they were being together. I'm pretty sure my dad had the same problem you do, except he DID go the route of cheating.
    I"m not entirely happy with having to live with ym father, but it's ten times better now than it was when they were together. Every child needs to have happy parents to show them how to grow up and hwo to deal with relationships in the future. even if those parents are with other people.
    If things don't change now, they're only going to get worse.
  11. wizarddrew77

    wizarddrew77 The Wiz

    The best Wisdom I have seen on this thread and I agree with all of the above.
  12. lynsey

    lynsey Banned

    stop bedgering her for sex!!!!!!!! you sound a lot like my ex and being badgered for it makes you want it even less
  13. His Eden

    His Eden Queen of Mean

    Counselling! If she doesn't want to go with you then you go alone. You need to understand why you are willing to let yourself be controlled. If your wife is teasing you with sexual favors and then taking them away she has control issues. It's like promising a child a new toy for being good and then saying "maybe later."

    However there are two sides to every story. To completely understand the issue both sides would have to be represented. Either way counselling is a good idea.

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