Destined To Be A Loner?

The other day I went to an African party and had a good time. I told my therapist who is now saying I should socialize more often instead of just being hermetic.

I have some psychological issue because whenever I start socializing again I have no control over my thoughts and start having horrible daydreams involving being lied to, manipulated, lecture, pestered, disrespected, etc. The fear of people just kept building until I was horrified by people and what they're capable of doing.

When I'm alone I feel like I can be my nice, reflective, quiet, passive self. It's only with others that I feel like I have to be outgoing, funny, and very assertive. I don't even like the word assertive. It just sounds so butch.

As soon as I say "no more people" (besides friends and family and online) my mind becomes way quieter and my fear subsides.

But there will be forced socializing in the workforce (Christmas parties, Secret Santas, some lunches, cookouts, windbags, etc.) just like every job I've had. Plus I still hope to travel more and get in good with the locals in these places...

What do you think I should do?

 

Every day, before you leave your home do this. Deep breathing first...then put yourself in tube...full of golden light. This is your sacred place, it is your safety. No one can send their energies or anything past that ring. When you are in a crowd and start to feel uneasy, take a deep breath and remember you are in a safe place.

There are people who prefer to be alone or with one other person. You aren't alone in your feelings and trying to be something you aren't (like social, gregarious etc) will only make you more anxious. Be yourself....it's ok.

 

That's what I do ... these days I travel with a dog . Her name is Rainbow Peace Doggy , because people would be
disappointed if they knew she does not care at all about having a name . When she's at a distance from me she
comes running to a woo! Woo!

Right . Don't be a tourist . Give of your spirit .

 

Do you know if the setting affects these thoughts and feelings? Are you more comfortable having guests in your home rather than going out? Are you more comfortable in smaller groups?

 

I think you should do exactly whatever it is you're going to do. You're definitely going to do what you're going to do, so my advice here is essentially perfect and I am sort of dictating your actions.

 

Just in the microcosm that is hip forums

You'll notice almost all your posts involve you talking about you, in threads you started. ...about you

Thus likely it is the same in real life, you just dont take enough interest in anyone else for them to care

What if destined to be a loner is mostly your fault, and no one or thing elses?

 

Whatever you do, don't completely withdrawal from social activities. Avoidance makes things a thousand times worse.

You should feel that you are the one to pick and choose which activities that you involve yourself with. If you feel forced, just let people know that you are uncomfortable with that sutuation, and that it has nothing to do with you not wanting to be around those people in particular.

I think all of us with social anxiety feel a lot better alone. There is only your judgement to deal with then - which can also be pretty harsh.

Take it from someone with experience...just be up front with people about it. You don't have to spill your guts and scare everyone off, but just let people know that you feel uncomfortable, when you feel uncomfortable. Making excuses that aren't true adds to the anxiety, and thoughts that go through your head.


As far as thoughts go, I suggest that you should look into mindfulness meditation, or mindfulness based cognitive behavioral therapy.

Meditation doesn't cure you right out. It exposes your thoughts to you in ways that they've probably never been exposed before. It takes time, but you really see how to deal with your thoughts, and more importantly, you really see them for what they are. It's not about about control. It takes time and persistence though. I wish I would have had more persistence years ago, when I first felt signs of social anxiety. I would gave drank far less, and not lost most of my old friends throughout the years. I practiced mindfulness meditation on and off for 10 to 15 years or more, when it was convenient only. It's only been in the last few years that I realize what it's about. That's because I finally made a commitment a few years ago to stick with it (I have slacked of recently though).

Everyone has advice based on their own experience. There is good to take from it all. Whatever you do, listen to others advice, and don't give up. The easy way is to give up and withdraw. That will get you nowhere.

 

Try to socialize with people you like or at least in a situation that is not forced (sometimes easier said than done, but still...!)

I hate this too. If this was my frame of reference where it comes to socializing I would probably come to the same conclusion as you. But socializing gets much better when it is not obligatory work or family stuff.

Forced bonding with coworkers makes me antisocial

 

Some people can only relate to very few people. In my experience I can only relate to people who hate small talk for the sake of small talk.

Some people can't get excited about most of what excites others.

Perhaps, op, you are like me, an alien from another planet just visiting earth for a lifetime or 2 to scope it out.

Alone is underrated and people are overrated.

Sorry for the negativity but I do believe we are all compatible (whether socially, romantically etc) with SOME people...us introverts and weirdos simply have to make a concerted effort to find LIKEMINDED people.

I can't stress that enough. Seek out likeminded people or people who share a common interest.

I prefer cats over people. I communicate better with animals. Ever since my cat left this earth I've been depressed but I know its just a matter of time till I find someone to talk to.

Anyway OP, just keep trying. Try meetup.com maybe you'll find a group of people who you are able to communicate with

 

Maybe you need to try not to get too content with the same continent. Try an Australian party, an Asian, North Ame... well there's five others take your pick. Six if you count Antarctica, but then those are nothing but people standing around in penguin suits.

 

Word!

http://www.usap.gov/videoClipsAndMaps/SouthPoleWebcam/spole00040.jpg?=76327422.0028



Hotwater

 

The people there are known for their cold demeanor and frigid temperament. Actually, to be honest, Hell would have to freeze over before I'd find myself in Antarctica. -- Or at least, that would be my assumption.

 

Well she hasn't even bothered replying to any replies thus far

 

Destiny awaits!

 

Thanks so much. Sorry for the delay. I don't think avoidance is practical and it didn't really help.

I hate the idea of no control somewhere in the body (at least not in the mind though, not like hanging onto negative thoughts or anything).

I have started meditating 15 minutes twice a day (morning and evening). I really like it. Sitting still like that makes me feel disciplined. Great advice, thanks again!

 

Besides discipline, there is a lot I've learned about the mind, and all things in general.

I've learned a lot about labeling things as good or bad. Excessive labeling has caused a lot of anxiety for me.
I've heard the story in the link below told before, but it it really sank in after watching my own thoughts, and learning to let them go...it's about labeling things as good or bad:
http://www.noogenesis.com/pineapple/Taoist_Farmer.html

I also read, or heard, an analogy (told by Jack Kornfield), that uses a hypothetical bear attack to show how our anxiety works. It really makes sense. Watching my thoughts in meditation without trying to judge them also helped me see how anxiety really works.

The story goes something like this(I can't remember where I remember hearing or reading it - it's not word for word):

You are walking in the woods alone. You are kind of nervous because you are alone.

You hear something move in the bushes. Now you forget about the fear of being alone. You are worried about what is in the bushes.

You see a bear come out. You are no longer worried that something in the bushes might be dangerous and how you will deal with it. You are now worried that the bear, a dangerous animal, will attack.

The bear attacks. You no longer worry about what to do if the bear charges you - he's charging. You are now scared of being bitten.

The bear now has your arm in its mouth. You aren't frightened of being bitten now. You are now worried that your arm will be torn off...

The story can go on and on. One point of the story is that we are always worried about what comes next...not what is happening right now. If we are able to forget the previous worries, that are replaced by the new worries, why worry about them in the first place. Planning is one thing, worrying is another. I'm getting better at making the distinction myself.

 

Brilliant story expanse! Thanks so much for sharing. It was useful and also pretty funny.

 

You could very well be correct. But at the same time, self-reflection IS a good trait to have, and asking for insight and guidance shows, to me, maturity, that she is not relying only on her sense or opinion, but that of others.

 

he he he

You said butt

 

Perv