I've always felt down about one thing or another for what seems forever... Usually I feel depressed about being alone, whether it be in terms of friendship or female relationship. currently i am feeling a huge surge of just negativity and depression. I just started college a month ago and for the first time I'm out on my own...it isn't anything like I expected it to be. I have fun on the weekends and everything, but overall I feel like I'm missing out on friends and shit - I have friends down here, but they aren't friends of similarity to me, they are friends of circumstance. I have known all of them previously and for a long time. I feel like I am living somewhat of a false life when I hang out with them... I also am feeling completely lost about my choice in school...I'm not doing the greatest and I feel like the classes I am taking are pointless. granted i am a first year student and these classes probably are useless to my degree, i feel like im doing poorly and it will hurt me in the long run but if i do well it doesnt really do anything for me either... not only am i confused about WHAT i want to do in college, but i dont really know if i want to be here at all. i really have no choice anymore, however, as i am in too much debt having taken just a few weeks of class in my first semester...i simply cant drop out i feel helpless, hopeless and completely lost... on top of everything i was recently arrested and am waiting to hear if i will lose my financial aid...only adding to the sense that i have lost all control over my life its hard for me to even say but i have had thoughts of death and suicide for so many years and the thoughts are pretty common now... i dont think id ever follow through but its just torture to deal with such sadness day by day...and i ignore the sadness when i am with my pseudo-friends and feel happy, but when i am alone and thinking by myself again i feel like my happiness was in some way fake... there are parts of me that are telling me to just stick through and do the whole school thing - but i am also feeling a need to do something big to change my life like dropping out of school and traveling to someplace completely different... ive looked up psychiatric wards and how to check into them... i was also approached by a monk today...he gave me a card with some information on how to move to India and live in a temple... i just cant stand the thought of living like how i am living much longer...i need something to change
Life is never what you expect. I do not have many friends either, and the ones I do have, have faded away from me. At time I feel utterly alone in this world, as if no one would notice if I died. And sometimes I cry myself to sleep because I'm so hurt. Sounds like you've been experiencing this for a long, long time. Maybe you should find someone to talk to, a trusted teacher, a family member, a church or other place of worship? Just talking to someone makes things so much better. If you wanna talk PM me.
i don't know if you've ever tried anything like this before: but find a room, a secluded space, and make sure it is clean and comfortable. find a blue, green, pink or white candle and light it. this is a form of meditating, so you'll have to have a relaxed mind. now, see the light from the candle, focus on the flame, "breathe" in the light, and imagine the beauty and love coming from the flame flowing in through your nostrils, and your skin soaking it up too, and "spiritually consume" the positiveness that comes from such a simple and beautiful thing as a candle lit in a nice clean quiet area. don't be afraid to tell others about it if you try this, it will help. ~namaste
Most people in their first year of college don't know what they want to do with their lives, and as I've said elsewhere some people never really figure it out. As far as finding direction and interest, open yourself up to whatever comes your way, to whatever life presents you with. Soon you will find things that you enjoy, that intrigue you, and most importantly that make you happy. Some people at this age know exactly what that is. Others don't. It doesn't mean you won't find it. The saying is true, "To have a friend you must first be a friend." I know what its like to be somewhere where you aren't sure you have any good friends. But the thing is, you have to open yourself up to other people. You have to really care and want to connect and really listen to the people around you. If you do that you will find yourself connecting with people on a much deeper level, and friendships, strong ones, can and will emerge (but again, only if yoou really want them to.) Listen, care, connect. And when I say listen, I don't mean listen in the day to day fashion that most of us do. "Hows it going?" "Good." "Thats good." Really listen to people, what they say, their tone of voice, body language, etc. I know people who have been arrested and still able to keep financial aid and stay in college. I'm not sure how it was done but I know its possible. As for feeling helpless, that's the worse thing you can do. If you feel the situation is helpless, you're just handing over any power you had to change your situation. The most difficult situations are the situations with the most potential to transform you and your life. But again you have to choose it. There is literally no situation that you can't handle or control. I'm not saying it might not be challenging, but I am saying it is entirely possible and entirely worth it. As for moving to India (I suppose this was ISKCON or someone similar you talked to?) you could. People do. And it makes some people happy. But only because thats what they want to devote their lives to unconditionally. Would going to India really fix everything? Or would it be running away from circumstances that will eventually re-present themselves in your life for you to face again? What hnugginz suggested is great. Meditation practices are great stress relievers and will help connect you to the world and the present in an extremely positive way. You could also investigate Tai Chi, or Yoga as well. You can bring positive change to your life, but thats just it. You can. Not anyone else. You and you alone are responsible bringing the fullfillment you want into your life. Peace and Love.
Hope your doing well Purp, you sound like how I've felt many times since I graduated high school when it comes to confusion about your place in life and where you are going. I also get lonely and depressed pretty often, to a point where I am just used to it. You just got to try to keep your head up as best you can. Find something you are passionate about and get involved with that. If you can find people who like the same shit you do, maybe you will make some people you can actually become good friends with, that will combat your feelings of loneliness. Remember, we over-complicate things in our society. We only really need food, water, and shelter to be happy. Everything else is ultimately meaningless. When I really think about what makes me depressed, it's comical how small and silly it truly is in the grand scheme of life. This doesn't make the depression go away, but it dampens it and allows me to tough it out. And if anything, these moments will be something to reflect on when life is going good. Joy creates pain, pain creates joy.
thanks for the replies guys im still unhappy, but i feel like im about to change my life im thinking maybe im going to transfer back to a college in my hometown, get a job and then try to get a place in the city during the summer - keep saving money and go to that college again for another year, after that i want to move out of state. or not, depending onhow things go i just really struggle with my loneliness. ive been alone for a long time now, but being here (current college) with people around but still feeling extremely lonely is very unsettling to me. id like to make friends, but i really just dont know how to that well. im trying to focus on school but my grades keep on sliding. i feel like making friends would be great but not solving a bigger issue for me. i am understanding that i really dont want to be in this college town. i need a bigger city, and KC is familiar to me, but still has possibilities that i havent tapped into. i want to get into art, and kc has some great scenes ultimately i want to meet new people. for the majority of my life ive been surrounded by the same people... among all this i still have other issues that i need to work out in my head. i feel that i reach out to people but they dont respond favorably or at all...and that seems like a trend thats been going on for a very long time in my life on the plus side, i find my sadness and loneliness as time to really think about myself. it also fuels my creativity with my art and im really feeling a push to go after art as a career
there are just times that i wish something major would happen, tragic or not - i just feel like my life is completely stagnant
