Decided I needed to leave my friend

This is really more of a rant than a question. Just need to get some steam off my chest.

I realized that my feelings for a best friend of mine are never going to be returned. I have known her since 2009 and we have been very close friends. I have always tried to evolve it into something further, but it never works out that way. This is obviously a very weak position that no male likes to be in.

This is a girl that you can tell doesn't really know what she's searching for, but she is searching for something in a relationship. She has gotten involved in past relationships for really stupid reasons, such as one that was an "agreement" between her and the other man that he would pay the bills if she married him and gave him a child. The child was never born and they broke up.

She has been involved in relationships with quite a few people since I have known her. Perhaps 5 or 6. All the while I have been picking up lessons and clues of what NOT to do as I watch her go from guy to guy like she's in a candy shop, and cycle from one failing relationship to the next. For her, relationships are the norm. For me, I have never been in a hardcore relationship, but would easily pick her if I was given the chance.

But I have realized that I am only deluding myself. After again recently opening up to her and declaring how I feel for her, since she asked me multiple times in one day if there was something underlying bothering me, she still insists that she only wants to be friends.

But I know that that's not all that I feel for her, so I told her that I don't hate her or anything, but I simply can't do this to myself anymore. As long as I am around her often I will continuously be entranced by her Siren qualities and be hypnotized into thinking I could eventually make it work.

I have also been helping her out a lot in a genuine sort of way with the fact that she just moved in to a new house and I had an extra lawnmower so I let her take it, but I realize that things like this are right on the verge of being "Doormat Bitch Friend", even though my intentions are genuine.

I don't want to be her doormat bitch friend, I want to be in a relationship. I have been involved with and can easily get into other girls, but she's just the one girl that always seems to come back. The usual routine of our friendship is that we go a period of time not talking, and I am fine, but as soon as we start hanging out a lot, I get hypnotized all over again.

This is why I told her that I simply have to cut her off for the most part. This angered her, and it has completely torn me up inside also. She then accused me of not actually caring about the friendship, and that I just want to have sex, and that my ulterior motives are selfish. I counter that with the fact that my desire to evolve the friendship into something greater in no way undermines the friendship, but I feel just way too split inside when I'm around her yet desire something deeper. Especially when her boyfriend shows up.

Any thoughts?

 

i think you should take the lawnmower back and give it to me. i'm in need of one, asap.

otherwise, sounds pretty typical. it's impossible to be in such a situation and not be miserable, but when the girl finds out she can't use you anymore, she always decides that means you have no interest in her beyond sex and that you're just a selfish asshole.

 

my best friend has a relationship with a girl exactly like this.

tough situation.

 

Being the awesome lesbian that I am, I've had many a male admirer who also couldn't grasp onto the idea that I don't want to date them. But this whole "oh you won't be with my so goodbye" is a pathetic joke and you have issues if you're seriously taking notes on what to do right and what not to do when and IF you finally get her. That's almost sounding possessive towards something you don't have.

Throwing away a friendship for such a mute reason. Terrible.

 

If she says she doesn't want a relationship then she doesn't want a relationship.
I don't understand why guys have to get like this.

 

if he says he wants a relationship then he wants a relationship.

i don't understand why girls can't comprehend this.

 

If I was not already antisocial, reading of the problems that others have with each other would make me thus.

 

Clearly it's a gender difference of perspective. It's because I have been friends with her for long enough and miserable for long enough for feeling something that doesn't get returned. What the hell is wrong with that? I am walking away to preserve my sanity.

 

Why do you regard this as being some sort of tricky asshole? I'm seeing what doesn't click in her relationships, and never being in one of my own, try to learn from their mistakes.

Possessive? More like a genuine inspiration.

 

I think that any male understands that it's painful to be around a girl that you have strong feelings for, and her boyfriend by her side. And a different boyfriend all the time.

That's not easy to go through. Sorry that you can't see that. I have been through it for a long time. It wears on you.

And if you're going to call me a pansy for walking away then you can just as easily call me a pansy for becoming a doormat friend. I still consider her a friend, but I can't simply be around her all the time and not have a whirlwind of mixed emotions all the time. I might as well move on.

 

Or creepy. Genuinely creepy.

 

Wow, didn't know that this was going to get ridiculous. Creepy to always be around her for years and see her date different people that I know and happen to notice different things they do that piss her off? Clearly I didn't learn everything, but how is learning about something that I've never been involved with creepy?

It's not like I was spying on her, but rather hanging out with her and an argument unfolds with her and her boyfriend. Don't blow this out of proportion, please.

 

I think this is for the best. The OP describes a train wreck of a woman, who has had a series of bad relationships. He is better off no longer trying to get into a relationship that will turn out badly.

She sounds like the classic "If you rescue a damsel in distress, all you get is a distressed damsel."

I know his reasons are different than the one I gave, but I think that giving up on this woman and seeking a relationship elsewhere is a good result.

 

or bitchy. genuinely bitchy.

 

It's not like I want to do this. I need to do this so that I can stop deluding myself and putting myself through so much pain.

It boggles me that females see this as selfish and dis-respective.

Men have feelings too, you know.

 

She sounds like damaged goods to me. You think you'll be happy, the one that can finally tame her, but you'll just end up the same as the others.

Walking away is probably the best thing to do. Maybe she'll grow up some day, or maybe she'll go further downhill, but don't waste your time waiting when your soulmate is likely elsewhere.

 

Here's my take on your situation, OP, because I was romantically attracted to my BEST FRIEND(I capitalized those words for a reason) on and off for many years until I decided one day she and I were meant to be best friends, not anything else.

So this girl, you say this is your BEST FRIEND? Because I don't believe that for a second. I mean, you just admitted you can't be friends with her since she only wants to be friends with you. You say you're cutting her off because you're just bitter that she won't date you, and ending this friendship is your way of taking it out on her. OF COURSE she's pissed off. If somebody did that to me then I would be too, and I'm a DUDE.

A true friendship is NOT about abandoning your friend just because he/she didn't want to date you. That is such a trivial excuse for ruining a friendship, especially one with someone you refer to as "best friend". She isn't your best friend, she's just a girl you really cared about because you had romantic feelings for her. Nothing more. And now that you know she really isn't going to go out with you, you're basically ditching her. A true friendship doesn't work like that. The emotional bond between two true BEST FRIENDS will NOT break even in situations such as yours.

It sounds to me like you're focusing on what YOU want, not what's best for the girl. She's already made up her mind. She DOESN'T want you in THAT way. And when you realize she's not giving you what you want, you victimize yourself saying you don't want to be a "doormat bitch friend". Do you not even trust her a little bit if you say she's your best friend? I mean, you just gave her NO credit for being your friend, do you realize that? Think about this, she still wanted you in her life as a friend even after you confessed your feelings for her a number of times(correct?). Instead of feeling awkward and as the result cutting you off herself, she kept being friends with you. Have you ever REALLY thought why that might be? I mean, who knows, maybe she just wanted a doormat bitch friend. But maybe she really needed you as a friend? Maybe she really valued you as a friend? It's possible, don't you think? And now, just because she can't go out with you, you turn around and be like "bye". That's gotta hurt, man.

And guess what, in case you develop a particular urge to tell me I don't understand your situation, I actually do, trust me. I asked out my best friend twice, and the second time was practically a marriage proposal. I got turned down both times. Did I want to stop being friends with her? Of course not. Like I said, a true friendship is way stronger than that. It's way more solid. She's now married to a great guy who I got to be friends with, and I'm truly happy for them both. Reason: as her best friend I want her to be happy, and this is how she gets to be happy. I had nothing to complain about.

Your friend may be having some relationship difficulties, but you have no control over her life. If you are a true friend to her, then you be there for her when she needs a friend. Sounds like she's going to need one in the future the way you've described her and her relationship situations. But she just lost one because he only wanted to date her when she thought he was a friend. Think about it.

With that, I have a comment to make in regards to the following:

There you go, she saw right through you. The "fact that my desire to evolve the friendship into something greater in no way undermines the friendship", you say? It's already undermined the friendship, can't you see? Plus, you say it's a "fact" but it's NOT. You're letting it get to you, so it's totally undermined your so-called "friendship" with her. And it doesn't matter how much you try to justify your stance now, because now you've told her you want to cut off ties with her. THAT, as far as I'm concerned, is NOT something that would happen between two BEST FRIENDS.

That's my take. Sorry if you're offended.

 

You put your foot down. It was important to you, that she took your feelings for her seriously. I think you did nothing wrong. Don't listen to the haters, good luck with your future. Perhaps let this be a lesson not to remain in the friendzone with a chic for so long if you have feelings. Open up about them in a more punctual manner, to avoid having to cut off a long-term friendship.

 

where did he say any of that?

 

I have a few female friends I would fantasise about having sex with.
They have different things I love about them. Some of them I could fall in love with easily.