‘What will we do?’ A father cries Glancing back at his house with tears in his eyes ‘it’s not my fault I don’t have a job They’ve laid us all off, even old Bob’ His children are young, too young to know Why their mother looks at them so She keeps a brave face when she takes them to school Then cries and hits the hostel wall In the street people moan about inflation Say a recession is heading for the nation Worry only about the price of bread Not the families barely fed He goes to the job centre every day Anger in his eyes as they turn him away ‘can’t you see your not the only one? Go on the dole and leave, be gone!’ With rumbling stomachs the children wait For their Mother to put food on their plate Instead she drinks a liquid lunch And raises a toast to the credit crunch Mr. Brown and Mr. Darling listen here We’re not heading for a crisis, it’s already here Are you cosy behind that big black door? Away from the cries of ‘we need more!’ It’s happened before, it’s happening again So please don’t look surprised when The people protest, stand up and be counted This is to what your country has amounted. I think it needs a bit of work, comments please
Metre definitely needs a bit of work (is metre the word Im looking for?) and theres a bit of awkard rhyming, but I enjoyed it. I found the last line didnt flow so well but that could be me and my silly brain. It has the right message to end on though. The image of them being behind a big black door was a good one to use as thats exactly how I imagine it, all tucked away from the reality and all that stuff What am I saying, Im waffling. Its good stuff but does need some touching up as you say No further advice though, as you can see Im not much of a languagey poety personNot anymore anyway
I need to work on the rhythm mainly, I'm thinking of changing the last lines to: The people protest, it won't just be a few Don't forget the country belongs to us, not you.
ny, i really like your poem, it needs a bit of fine tuning but its awesome. i like your sig more though ace.
The message of the poem is an angry one, it's accusatory and should be spat with vitriol. The rhyme scheme, however, makes it seem too jovial, almost like a nursery rhyme, which can work if you're William Blake, but here I think it's the wrong medium for the message. I agree the current rhyme seems slightly awkward, which is to do with the beat, how many syllables you have on each line. But rather than work on the syllables, I think you should break the rigid rhyme scheme, allow some here and there, perhaps, but don't let it interfere with your message. It's a problem I've had in the past writing political poetry. To emphasise the anger and the passion in this, try writing it free-form, abandon constraints of rhyme and let the power in the voice carry it....
‘What will we do?’ A father cries Glancing back at his house with tears in his eyes ‘It’s not my fault I don’t have a job They’ve laid us all off, even old Bob’ His children are young, too young to know Why their mother looks at them so She keeps a brave face when she takes them to school Then cries and feels the world is cruel. In the street people moan about inflation Say a recession is heading for the nation Worry only about the price of bread Not the families barely fed He goes to the job centre every day Anger in his eyes as they turn him away ‘Can’t you see you’re not the only one? Go on the dole, our job is done!’ With rumbling stomachs the children wait For their Mother to put food on their plate Instead she drinks a liquid lunch And raises a toast to the credit crunch Mr. Brown and Mr. Darling listen here We’re not heading for a crisis, it’s already here Are you cosy behind that big black door? Away from the cries of ‘we need more!’ It’s happened before, it’s happening again So don’t look too surprised when The people protest, and it won't be a few This country belongs to us, not you. That's the second rhyme scheme draft but I do prefer writing freeform so I'll have a stab at that now, I just know that will work better.
I'd like to see it free-form. You can still include rhymes here and there to add poignancy, the last lines for example, with the few and the accusatory you. By stripping away the rigid rhyme scheme, the inclusion of an infrequent rhyme, as with the above example, adds power, like a pointed finger. Its value comes in its scarcity....
A father looking back at what he lost His job, his house, his life Tries to stay strong for his family Cries silently in the dark The children are young and innocent They don’t understand Why their mummy’s never happy And daddy’s always home They talk about inflation in the streets A recession headed this way Complain when the price of bread goes up And when petrol’s over a pound The children wait for the smell of food Their stomach’s rumbling Their mother knocks back a liquid lunch And takes out some beans Mr. brown and Mr. darling, listen to us Poverty is rife all over People are losing their jobs and homes Losing the will to live Ten years ago it was just the same It’s happening again. The people will rise up, protest This is our country. I'm not really sure about the from of it but it's a start. I think if I'm going to freefrom it properly I need to read the Sun newspaper and get angry again
The new one seems less forced, but at the same time seems a bit flatter. Really go for the jugular! Punk it up!
I think I do prefer the newest less rhyme-y version, It feels like you're getting your words out much easier, and letting your feelings shape the poem, rather than the poem shape your feelings
