Dating a transexual, need advice

Discussion in 'Transexual and Transgender' started by Flanagan, Jan 18, 2009.

  1. Flanagan

    Flanagan Member

    Hi, I met a girl a few weeks ago and we have gone out a few times. I am 95% sure she is MTF trans but I have not been able to broach the subject. I would feel really stupid saying something if it turned out I was wrong. I have never dated a transexual before but I don't really care either way; I just want us to get it on and let the bits fall where they may. Problem is, I think she is very self-conscious about this and afraid that I am going to dump her if I "find out". She has tried to drop me a number of hints but I didn't really know how to respond so I think I am coming off as really dense to her. I need to let her know that I don't mind what kind of parts she has without offending her in either case. So far she is either taking it really slow, or isn't as attracted to me as I think, or she's afraid of my reaction (which I think is the case).
     
  2. BigGirlGuy

    BigGirlGuy Member

    In normal conversation, just say you are an open minded guy and you don't judge anyone. Usually a T will tell you around the 3rd or 4th date, so if you are ok with it cool. She may tell you later when she is really comfortable with you. At least you won't be surprised.

    You have to look at it from her side, imagine all the horrible break-ups with other guys. Hopefully you two can get it on.:cheers2:
     



  3. hey thats pretty fucked up if you know say you guys made out on the 2nd date.....
    nothing aginst transgenders but i'd be pissed if that happened...
     
  4. Invisible Soul

    Invisible Soul Burning Angel

    Not everyone is as narrow minded as you, though unfortunately, most are.

    It's hardly fair that just because you're born in the wrong body, (and heterosexual) that should mean you have to live the rest of your life not having a relationship, or not knowing what it's like to feel affection, or be loved. We have as much right to that as anyone else. Just being born like this means finding anyone decent to have a relationship with is nigh on impossible. Do i think i'll ever find love? No i dont, and i accepted that a long time ago. Its just part of the curse of being born like this. Im fully aware most decent men would not want a relationship with me purely because of the way i was born. Its not really fair, but i dont blame them either really. Most heterosexual guys see women who were born with the wrong bits as simply men in drag, and not real women at all. (Even the ones who actually do look female) Therefore, finding a man to have a relationship with is nigh on impossible without hiding your past.
     
  5. chubeebabe

    chubeebabe Guest

    You and her go watch a show such as Jerry Springer or Maury with TG/TS people on it and then make a comment like ("WOW! shes really pretty, it would not really matter to me if she was born male or female as long as i am attracted to her and she is attracted to me").

    In other words sweetie...... DROP A FEW HINTS YOURSELF!!!

    PS: Sorry for shouting. Hugs!
     
  6. shewolfyn

    shewolfyn Member

    Rent 'The Crying Game', watch it with her, then mention how you could totally understand why the guy stayed after he found out the chick was really a dude - you know, something along the lines of "he was already in love with her before he found out", I'm pretty sure that that would clear the air between the two of you, and (s)he would tell you if (s)he is. Also, look for an Adam's apple, that's a dead giveaway.
     
  7. Invisible Soul

    Invisible Soul Burning Angel

    Some natal women also have an Adam's apple. (though usually it is less prominent than in men) And its also a fact that things like thyroid problems can give natal woman who never had one before, what appears to be an Adam's apple in their throat. It is also possible to have the Adam's apple surgically removed. (Ironically, I first found out about this from a natal woman who had developed one due to a thyroid condition posting for advice on a forum) Which is something I myself intend doing.
     
  8. ReiRei

    ReiRei Member

    Personally, I don't like when guys drop hints about me being trans. Although, I am extremely self conscious and have mistakenly assumed that people knew I was trans when they didn't because I obsess over every mannerism that may mean that they suspect something-_-'
    That probably isn't the issue here, but if by chance she is anything like me, letting her know that you can tell may cause issues that will stay with you throughout your entire relationship because she may never feel convinced that you view her as a female in the way that she wants.

    BTW, what makes you suspect that she's trans? Can you give some examples of some of the "hints" that she's dropped?
     
  9. springfling

    springfling Member

    Ditto. I've also came out to people when I thought they knew but really they didn't so I really am wondering how the original poster in this thread became aware that this new girlfriend is trans.

    Erin
     
  10. creedlespeek

    creedlespeek Member

    The best thing to do is wait. She'll tell you when she's ready.
     
  11. machinist

    machinist Banned Lifetime Supporter

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZ4x5rAz9Ic"]YouTube - I'm Ready!
     
  12. CrazyDreamer

    CrazyDreamer Member

    If you really like her, dont worry about when you'll end up hooking up. Just go at her pace and let her know you really like her without focusing on anything sexual. At if she's into you she wont run away, especially if you convey that you are openminded. At some point the two of you may get comfortable for you to say something like "I like you for who you are as a person not as a gender." If she is not MTF trans she'll just be like 'what the hell' and you can tell her that you like her so much it wouldnt make a difference (even if that's not an issue).
     
  13. Justin_Hale

    Justin_Hale ( •_•)⌐■-■ ...(⌐■_■)

    I could just see this..

    "Hey babe, I really like you. But did you used to be a guy before?"

    *SLAP*
     
  14. The Imaginary Being

    The Imaginary Being PAIN IN ASS Lifetime Supporter

    If you don't mind the parts, why even mention it??
     
  15. creedlespeek

    creedlespeek Member

    The thing is, it CAN be hard to tell if someone is stealth. We tend to only know on obvious transfolk. I dated a transguy a few times, and it was honestly shocking. He was really cute and a regular guy.

    It wouldn't bother me to date an FTM again on the condition he's had top surgery and been on testosterone shots for awhile. I like to feel like a normal heterosexual woman during sex. Fondling a boyfriend's decidedly feminine breasts makes me really uncomfortable. When we're talking about oral sex and dealing with genitals, it doesn't phase me, but female breasts on a guy would leave me uncomfortable.
     
  16. The Imaginary Being

    The Imaginary Being PAIN IN ASS Lifetime Supporter

    I think it's easier for women to pull off transsexualism, if i'm honest. No on questions a 'cute guy' half as much as what looks like a man with a wig on- regardless of whether a person has gone under the knife or not.

    Maybe it's just me.
     
  17. creedlespeek

    creedlespeek Member

    I don't know. Doesn't everyone have a crazy aunt that looks exactly like Amanda Lepore?

    I've known some lovely ladies who weren't born female. There's a lot of great facial surgery to help with the nuances of feminine appearance.
     
  18. Invisible Soul

    Invisible Soul Burning Angel

    I don't really like the word "stealth" being used in this instance. It wrongly implies that transsexuals are "lying" about their genders to people.

    It is. (though this to me means men can better resemble their true genders than the female equivelant) Also, most of the effects of the female puberty are more easily reversed/disguised, than is the case for the male puberty. When a man who has gone through the female puberty takes testosterone, their voice breaks, they grow facial hair, get a more prominent adam's apple, periods stop, plus the female skull can take on a more masculine appearance. Once the breasts are removed, most transmen can pass easily as a cis-gendered man. Particularly if they choose to grow a beard.

    Of course, taking testosterone before puberty would make them look like even more convincing men, but definitely, its far easier for transmen to "pass" if they start their treatment post-puberty, than it is for transwomen. I think for transwomen in particular, early treatment to stop the unwanted secondary sex characteristics is vital, if they want any realistic chance of being able to live a normal life as a female. The male puberty is far more aggressive and unforgiving than the female equivelant. Taking female hormones and testosterone blockers post-puberty does not stop facial hair, cant reverse the voice breaking, does nothing about the Adam's apple, makes absolutely no difference to skull/skeletal structure. Apart from a small amount of breast tissue growth, and very limited fat re--distribution, the effect of female hormones on a male body that has undergone the full effects of puberty is minimal. Only those who are very lucky will not have to undergo any facial feminization surgery to able to physically resemble a woman. At least in the facial features.

    Definitely, I think the process of just fitting into society as your true gender is generally far easier for transmen than it is for transwomen.
     
  19. MM18

    MM18 Member

    I say just treat her as a human, because basically that is what she is, do you call people with lazy eyes "lazy eye people"? Or any other person that was born with an unwanted condition by their condition? No exactly :p
    If someone looks, sounds, smells and acts female then they are female!!! If they haven't had surgery then most wouldn't be out dating but most of the few that do know they are obligated to let you know. If she doesn't say anything about genital abnormalities and you end up in the bedroom together then awesome! Have fun! ^_________^

    I'd say the majority of transsexuals don't stand out in public so it is wrong to judge the few that do, no individual is responsible for being a spokesperson for an entire group of people that have an unfortunate medical history. Just like all people that are born with polio are different. It is wrong to label them by their condition. I wish you the best of luck with your current female partner! ^__^
     

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