Dark but important discussion

Have you ever been the victim of an unsuccessful or completed sexual assault?

Did you report it? If not why?

Did you tell your significant other (boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife)?

What kinds of support do you need from your friends and family if you're dealing with something like this?

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I ask these questions not to pry, but to spread awareness of how best to handle these situations.

 

Yes

No

The assailant said he would kill my dad and rape my mother and I believed him. I was in fourth grade at the time.

No

In my opinion, the best thing you could do is make everything known. The assailant wants you to keep quiet.

You are a victim. You should not to feel ashamed. You are not alone. Educate yourself. Click here

 

But that's, telling I mean, is easier said than done, especially when you're quite young. Did you eventually tell someone as an adult?

And do you think parents can do anything or say anything to their children, to help them brace for this god forbidden scenarios that DO happen. Would it have helped at all?

 

I was sexually assaulted when I was young and did not report it as it was a (supposed) close family member. I did not have a partner to confide in nor did I tell my parents.

I would say I managed pretty well but anyone being in the situation you outline I suggest would truly benefit from talking to someone really trusted - even if then the person does not go on to report it.

For me the most important thing would be for the person who suffered the assault to recover from that and if that means talking/seeking advice from professional organisations re counselling etc then that is what I would encourage.

 

I was raped in my 20's ( in the mid 70's). At the time there was no such thing as the term "acquaintance rape". If a woman was raped she "asked for it" or did something stupid or was wearing the wrong clothes. She was in the wrong place at the wrong time. In essence, it was her own fault.

My "stupidity" was that I had just broken up with a partner and after an evening visiting and drinking with a friend, he left. I got ready for bed. He came back and said his car would not start. It was winter. I told him he could sleep on the couch and I went to bed. I woke to him raping me.

He was 65. The father of one of my friends. He never did understand why we could no longer be friends. He never believed he did anything wrong.

I did not have a partner. I only told a couple friends. It was not reported. I only started talking about it about 20 years after the fact in a "Women's Studies" class. Rape is not something that rolls off the tongue in the middle of normal conversation. My family never knew until fairly recently. Most of my family still does not know.

The experience left me with an inability to trust others. It certainly knocked naive out of me. Before this I would pick up hitch hikers. I totally stopped doing that.

We live in different times now with some more enlightened attitudes about the issue. I do think that I would be a different person now it I had received support then. I can't imagine what it would be like to be raped as a child.

 

Yes, about twenty years later.

It depends on your parents…

I felt it would be useless to tell my parents because my mother would just freak out (not at me) making the situation worse. I felt too ashamed to tell my dad.

Of course, my feelings were from the perspective of a child (as I was a child) so my feelings could have been way off.

I believe so. The sooner the victim gets counseling the sooner healing can take place.

Looking back on it I wish I had the balls to bring everything out in the open and in to the court room where I could confront my assailant. The ultimate would have been to see him dragged off to jail. Unfortunately, reality doesn’t usually work out like in the movies…

The sad truth is that the assailant probably continued victimizing others and is now living his life at ease.

That you are discussing it in this forum is therapeutic for you. You have a lot of confidential information at your fingertips with internet access. Get educated about your ordeal; go to the website I provided in my last post. It’s confidential…

 

I've never been raped, thank god, but I came terrifyingly close to it.

I had just moved into a converted garage on the same small property as a house. My neighbor (we shared a landlady who had insisted to my uncle before I moved in that she did background checks on all her tenants...which turned out to be bs) lived there with his girlfriend and started talking to me. Knowing he had a girlfriend, I just assumed he was being friendly. We exchanged numbers, as I figured it would make sense to have your neighbor's number. Well, after about a week he started calling me at 12, 1, 2 o'clock in the morning, first chit chatting, then he started telling me that I was beautiful and had a "well proportioned body."

It wasn't until then that I really got a creeper vibe from him, being only 21 and still pretty naive. I told my uncle when I was at work, who lived about 20 min away. He assured me that he would "nip this stuff right in the ass." He called me back 2 hours later and told me the guy was a registered sex offender. Turns out he had spent 12 years in prison for 1st degree sexual assault with a Caucasian minor (he was a black guy, I was a very young looking white girl, so I fit his "profile"). I burst into tears and needless to say freaked the fuck out. I didn't go home that night and moved in with my uncle. So much for living on my own...

If it hadn't have been for my uncle, I never would've thought to even do a check on him. I'm much more aware now. Considering that I knew where he lived, I'm not so sure he would've stopped at rape, since I could've easily had him arrested, and he probably would've murdered me. My uncle confronted him, called his probation officer, and did his best to legally scare the shit out of him. He told me that if he actually had raped me, he would've shot him and gladly gone to prison for it. I didn't know my uncle very well before I moved there--this was in Key West--and to this day I feel a debt of gratitude for him and all he stands for. He'll always be my hero. That being said, I'm very glad it didn't come to that since it meant he would've gone to jail.

The reason I'm sharing all this is that while I can't imagine how difficult it must be to report sexual assaults, it's very, VERY important. I in no way mean to guilt trip anyone who didn't report it, especially if it occurred when they were kids or a long time ago. But, had his previous victim not said anything, I never would've known what he was capable of. If you can find the strength to report it, do it. There's no such thing as a one-time rapist or child molester. You'll be saving future victims. I know I'll always be grateful to his victim, whoever she is, for having the strength to go through with it all.

Again, I'm not at all guilt tripping anyone, but remember: abuse, of any kind, thrives on secrecy.

 

Man!! Your uncle is definately a hero. Glad you averted that situation. My little grand daughter is now 9,so I'm looking forward to keeping a close eye on her. It's scary thinking of all the abused and missing children--it's very differant than when I was young. If anything happened to my little beauty--my job--my only job in life thereafter would be to send someone to hell.

 

I strongly suspect, I was almost a victim of abduction as a child at age 10-11. I remember a man approaching me and asking me if I wanted to go to his place to see his video game collection.

I said no, and luckily he I wasn't his type I guess because he didn't pursue me anymore. But at that age I didn't know what to do and didn't report anything because he didn't actually hurt me, but I was creeped out for sure.

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I also started this thread because a female friend of mine recently admitted to me that she was raped by a childhood friend and never reported it, and I as a friend didn't know how to respond to that news.

And unfortunately there are statue of limitations on these kinds of things >.<

 

I hitchhiked from south of Fresno to San Diego when I was 13. I was over 6' then and wasn't really worried about much. Guy picked me up somewhere in LA and told me he would give me a ride to some road or other that would make it easy to get out of town,but he said he had to go to his house first and change clothes. Invited me in and since this was the early 50s,I didn't think too much about it because crime,what there was of it,wasn't in the news at all. I sat down and the first thing he did was go somewhere and get some pictures of people screwing, which he handed to me as he put his hand on my leg. Said" Bet you got a big one". I was big alright--but 13 is 13--I jumped up ,hit the door and off I went!!!Who knows what he had in mind beyond a blowjob or ?????

 

Your friend needs to know that she is not to blame for the rape. Despite the length of time, she could benefit from help available, such as the link outthere recommended or perhaps there is help available in your area (local). I can tell you that rape changes who you are. It changes the fabric of your being. Bottling it up is not helpful.

You can tell her that you don't know what to say but that you are willing to listen and help if possible. Sometimes just being there for another is enough.

 

Well she is getting counseling so that's good. As her friend I just didn't know how to handle that bit of news is all. And of course I told her it's not her fault.

I've done a bit of reading, and I guess a big complex rape victims go through is that they often feel they brought it upon themselves, or blame themselves for their naivety, or feel confused if it was unwanted or not because they might have felt physical pleasure despite not mentally wanting it to occur; they feel betrayed by their own body.

 

I have heard other child victims of rape say similar things. In any case she is not to blame. She was a child. Many children are groomed by their rapists to believe they are willing participants. It is all smoke and mirrors. She was abused plain and simple. I am glad she is getting counseling.

What I forgot to say earlier is that she obviously trusts you to tell you these things. Remember to be trustworthy.

 

I am being trustworthy, I've stayed talking in generalities and don't plan on giving names.

Does 'grooming' imply the offending party is always older though? I don't think that's always the case.

 

In the case of children, yes, the offenders tend to be older and thus bigger and more powerful.

As to the issue of abuse victims feeling physical pleasure, that's very real, though of course it doesn't mean they like it or are asking for it. Your body is going to have a physical response to being stimulated whether or not you are psychologically ok with being stimulated. E.g women will still get "wet" while being raped, it's just a physical response to having something in there. It doesn't mean they subconsciously wanted it. The same response would occur if you were unconscious during the attack. This is why it's possible for men to be raped by women (or another man). You can still get an erection whether you want one or not.

And yes, little kids can have orgasms. That's part of what's so fucked up about that kind of abuse--the kid knows it feels good, but also knows it's wrong, and thinks there's something wrong with them if they get pleasure out of it. Of course, there's nothing wrong with them, it's just a normal physical response, but it's impossible for many adults to understand this, let alone a poor kid.

 

At the first paragraphs: yes this makes a lot of sense, and I guess the pop culture implication of rape being only painful is not helping the real life victims understand the trauma they've gone through and begin recovery.

@ 2nd paragraph: It's shocking you'd think adults would remember from their own childhood that orgasms during that age are possible. I guess many adults have this inner taboo about acknowledging this about their own children.

I think overall, it's best parents should explain to their children the difference between touch that feels good because it does and is welcomed by the child and touch that is not wanted by the child but gives pleasant physical sensation anyway. It's the lack of control and respect that is wrong.

I think parents should explain that dynamic to their kids more, perhaps the child would have some kind of mental defense if they find themselves in a situation with a bad person.

 

I didn't really say I expected adults to remember anything about kids and orgasms...I'm just saying it's possible, so no one should feel ashamed if they're abused and have that reaction. Too many people don't realize this and when they get physical pleasure out of it, they use that fact to blame themselves. It's the abusers fault, not theirs.

I don't mean anything creepy or weird by acknowledging that kids have orgasms, it's just a fact. I discovered masturbation at a very early age (around 5 or 6) so that fact is something I myself have always been aware of, I don't expect most people or parents to think about it. But I was never abused. It was something I did to myself, so I was always in control. Being abused is something else entirely since you have no control over it as a kid.

 

Actually, "balls" isn't the right word since I was greatly concerned for my parent's well-being. That's part of what kept me silent.

If I had talked with someone, parhaps that person would have convinced me that the abuser was lying; there was nothing he could have actually done to my parents. The outcome might have been much different.

 

Several times. Some as a child, but at 16 I was assaulted in the way we normally think of, by some random guy on the street down a dark alleyway.

I was walking home from school (what we call college here) in winter. As I'd had an evening class, it was dark. He was clearly drunk/drugged as he slurred his words when he approached. He told me to kiss him and hold his hand. When I refused and kept walking he grabbed me and pushed me against the wall. He had one hand is his pocket and said he had a knife. He was taking off my jacket and running his hands over me when another guy appeared and shouted. The attacker ran away, and I ran back to college having my first ever panic attack.

I did report him. I couldn't identify him on the police computer (they showed me hundreds of pictures of local sex offenders). I later heard that they'd had reports of a full rape by a man of the same description that night in the same alleyway, but they never caught the guy as far as I know.

As I ran away I never got chance to thank my hero. I sometimes wonder who he was.

 

I was molested repeatedly when I was 8 by my babysitters younger sister.

The girl's mother caught her and judging from her reaction, this had happened to before. I wouldn't be surprised that all of her daughters had been victims, perhaps of their father's abuse, who was allegedly in prison. I was humilated by the whole thing and never told anyone. Ironically enough, the girl who had molested me, later told some of her girlfriends about it and they teased me about it for the good part of a school year. I don't know exactly what she said to them, but I pretended that I had no idea what they were talking about and the teasing eventually subsided.

In highschool, I dated a girl who confided to me that her own grandfather had molested her. I felt compelled to tell her my story, but she said she didn't think it was a big deal - "like kids playing doctor". I guess if it's a boy being molested by a girl, a girl who used the very thing she was doing to me, to blackmail me by threatening to tell her mother
so that I would go along with whatever she wanted - I guess that's no big deal.

I've haven't made the mistake of confiding this to any subsequent girlfriends since.

What happened wasn't innocent curiousity, she was cruel, intimidating and she took delight in causing me physical pain and if I protested too much, she made sure I understood that it would get worse. I wish I could say definitely that it hasn't affected me, but the fact is, I definitely have some initial trust issues when it comes females.