damaged goods

Discussion in 'Love and Sex' started by kitty fabulous, Jun 1, 2004.

  1. kitty fabulous

    kitty fabulous smoked tofu

    i already posted on the relationships forum about this, but i'm still depressed so i'm posting it here, too.

    ok well i finally told my might-have-been how i felt, and it did not go well. he's leaving for school in a few months, far away. but the reason why he rejected me hurt even worse than the news of his leaving. i've felt incredibly hurt about this all week, actually, and now i question whether we truly had a friendship.

    i talked to him i told him my experiences, good and bad, and i thought that he was listening to me as a friend. he was judging me. furthermore, when i told him of the rough times - yeah, i've failed in marriage, i've been on welfare in the past, and some of my family relationships leave much to be desired...well, that's all he saw. someone to pretend to listen to and feel sorry for so that he could feel all noble. he wanted to see me as a victim. he wouldn't even see my strengths. he wouldn't even see what i carried myself through, what i'm carrying myself through now. he wasn't even seeing me.

    and this is the worst part: he does not, cannot, will not see me as a whole person. i have children, therefore i am one-third of a unit. i am my children. we have no separate friendship, no separate relationship. he feels a woman cannot be separated in his perception from her children. not that he has a problem with children - he actually wants them, but either his own, or else adopted with no remaining trace of birth parents. he wants a blank page he can paint on, his way, with no pre-existing, outside influences. in other words, i am damaged goods.

    my children are separate, whole and unique people. as am i. should i find another relationship, then any relationship between my man and each of my kids is going to have to be it's own relationship, and form its own way over time. the presumptions my friend was making about my kids and his imagined responsibility and relationship with them were insulting, both to me and my kids.

    it is disillusioning. i thought i had so many important things in common with this guy. but it still hurts - especially the judgement, because i hate being judged. it leaves me feeling that i am somehow flawed by my experience, that proving myself through childbirth and motherhood instead leaves me somehow stained in his eyes, that surviving the challenges has screwed me up rather than making me stronger. it makes me feel like damaged goods. and that really hurts.
  2. jamestowne

    jamestowne Member

    I'm so sorry to hear this! but on the other hand it may be for the better because, from what I've read, he doesn't sound like someone I would call a friend because friends accept who you are and don't judge you. He sounds like an ass.

  3. Earthy Mama

    Earthy Mama Feel my wrath... ;)

    *hugs* I'm so sorry you had to go through that. He doesn't seem worth your time. Screw him, your a mother which makes you a strong woman. You had struggles in your life that you bounced back from which makes you even more of a woman. Don't let one inconsiderate jerk ruin the pride you have in the accomplishments you've made by actually leavings those situations behind. Sometimes men(the ones without childern mainly) will never understand what its like to be left by someone and have kids from that relationship. Sometimes they act like it was all your fault, like the whole time you were in that relationship you had some idea that you would never stay with that person. If he is that immature then think of the millions of other things he will have no clue about and hurt your feelings over if you were in a relationship. Besides, would you want anyone to come in your life and not love your beautiful childern as much as you do? Men can come and go but for the 18 years your childern are growing up they will be there for you more than anyone else. I have the same problem when it comes to guys, having childern myself. I'm learning to not take things personally because some people just can't understand at this moment in their lives. At least you saw his true colors and didn't get hurt more by dating him. I hope you feel better soon... take a look at your kids, they love you! Thats a whole lot better than someone else love because its always pure and true! Maybe you just need a big cuddle session with the kiddies. I'm always here too if you'd like someone to talk to. We can swap war stories. hehehe :)
  4. Earthy Mama

    Earthy Mama Feel my wrath... ;)

    PS: I'm damaged goods too then, yay for all us damaged goods!
  5. torz

    torz Member

    i'm really sorry to hear what you've gone through and this bloke dosent sound like he's worth bothering about. my advise to you would be to post this on the old hippies forum. i'm not saying that this forum hasnt any people that would be able to give you good advise or anything, its just that every time i've had a problem big or small, they have always given me the best advise (probabley because they might have been through similar and are that little bit more mature).
  6. dawn_sky

    dawn_sky Senior Member

    As for his inability to see you as a stronger person for having made it thru your struggles in one piece, it sounds like he has some issues of his own to deal with before he will be ready for a solid, mature relationship. I don't know many adults who have not been thru some struggles, whether it is dealing with childhood abuse, an alocholic parent, or their own mistakes & misfortunes as adults. The only "perfect people" I've met are just the ones that I never got to know well enuf to find out about their flaws. If you're not damaged goods, you're not human.

    As for the children issue, I watched my single-father deal with both sides of the issue & been the one stuck in the middle. To this guy's credit, whether you like it or not, when considering a long-term relationship (particularly if you have any hope of living together before your kids are 30), you ARE part of a unit. Yes, you all have individual personalities, but he cannot consider moving in with you WITHOUT your children. You cannot consider running off for a week vacation with him WITHOUT the complications of finding someone to watch your kids & being able to check in regularly & possibly having to rush home if an emergency occurs. And these are just the extreme examples.

    From the child's point of view, please please do not ever consider getting involved with someone who does not want to be a part of someone else's kids' lives. I don't care what his reasons are or whether any of us would consider them valid or mature, don't put those kids thru that.

    To be fair, dealing with step-children is far more difficult than dealing with your own. I know that for right now, you were wanting a relationship, not marriage. However, if there is no hope of the relationship progressing, why get involved in the first place? If he is thinking along those lines, I can certainly see why he would hesitate. I certainly was not a joy to be around if I did not like the woman my dad was dating. Later, after my brother & I were out on our own, we watched my dad take the other role, that of living with a woman who still had children at home. Lets just say that they were a large part of the reason my dad and this woman broke up. The middle daughter was the worst... For example, my dad is very sensitive to perfumes, certain scents give him migraines... So the daughter would go into "mom's room" & douse herself in perfume, so that my dad couldn't go into the bedroom he shared with this woman for several hours. But, she didn't mean to do anything to my dad, she just wanted to borrow some perfume, right?

    Whether your kids would ever react this way, MANY do do things to run off the person who is trying to take their mom/dad away or trying to boss them around (whether this happens or not, if the kid thinks he influenced your decisions in ANY way, there is a decent chance they will take it this way, even if he just reminded you about a prior committment at the same time as when the kid wants to go play with a friend).

    Whether it's right or not, having kids WILL make it more difficult to find someone to be in a serious relationship with. The thing you have to remember, tho, is that you are screening out the ones who don't deserve you. Only those who are strong enuf & mature enuf to deal with these many issues & willing to put in the effort to build a healthy relationship with you AND your kids will get thru. Those who think life should be easy & who will run at the first sign of trouble won't get in your way. After all, any serious relationship takes work, would you really want to be with a man who is afraid to put that effort in? It may make things more lonely at times, but at the same time it will save you quite a bit of pain & disappointment as well.

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