Permit me, good Sir, to let me to speak from my heart That which resides deep Blackened clouds cry crystal rain tears The people of the world rest in sleep Somewhere here yet nowhere at all A quiet voice calls to the night Wishing for peace for all the three worlds For all beings to be reflections of love and light In a place far within Untouched by human fears Lives a peace so beautiful It brings great warriors to tears Warm garden daytime Sails into purple twilight We're lost in a Cosmic Dream Searching for the way out The moon breaks through the clouds Moving swelling tides of truth There is no in or outside In the end there's only you
What if were not lost though? Untangling God's brain would leave us...? With everything? Or nothing? In the end there's only you, how true Svg.
kinda hard to follow I guess I'm not reading it right. It maybe just me but I think your rhyming is off. But I like it that way.
ur rhyming is not off at all...it reads very sing-songy which adds to the fact that it is a cosmic dream, and i like that the dream comes to a social realization...good piece
I think it only needs punctuation. Punctuation informs the reader where you expect us to pause (comma), end a thought (period) or pause longer or change the topic/rhythm (semi-colon) - pause even longer... (space break). A return to start a new line also creates a pause that's a little different then a comma. I took a few lines and placed punctuation in the places that seemed to ask for them... but ultimately only you know how this one sounds in your head so adding punctuation would help so I can feel and hear the rhythm you have in your head... here is what I came up with... In a place far within, untouched by human fears, lives a peace so beautiful it brings great warriors to tears. Warm garden daytime sails into purple twilight, we're lost in a Cosmic Dream.
I like this a lot. I found a beauty in the wording you have used. Some of the phrases really sound amazing when spoken aloud. Nice...
I think its great, I don't find it hard to follow at all and I definetly don't think you should add punctuation. It lets whoevers reading it read it in any way they choose, adding their own punctuation. The way I read it I would have put an extra space between some lines at the end, but others may have read it differently.
I have two big issues with this poem, but some of them are less to do with this poem specifically than with an entire breed of poems that eventually will be dismissed by their authors as childish and inane: 1. You're posting it in a place where everyone is into this kind of thing and either refuses or is unable to express anything with real insight. Either because they're really young or really polite, the feedback you get here may have value to a delicate ego, but is worthless to someone who takes their writing seriously. Also, because you are a young girl on the Internet, your peers probably harbor subconscious (or conscious) desires to connect with you socially, more than actually critique or provide insight into your poem. Therefore, the comments provide very little in terms of valid suggestions and resort to affected, unrealistic compliments in order to hopefully build your confidence so you will return again and hang out with your new internet friends, for which compliments are easy but sincerity is basically impossible. 2. You seem to subscribe to the same notion that somehow the middle ages (and probabky earlier) hold more opportunities for honest expression than the world in front of your face. Exactly what do you know about warriors??? What are you, a Spartan? Have you ever seen a warrior's heart melt? Even better, have you heard him tell you that his heart melted because of gardens, purple skies and clouds? By 'great warriors' (btw, wars not make one great--Yoda, 1980) do you mean those guys who take down tents in the desert and push buttons to kill people? Or the guys (and girls) who raped those Muslims and took pictures? And exactly when was the last time you stopped to say 'permit me, good sir' to someone? My advice would be a complete rethink of your approach. If you're into Eastern mysticism, why not try to connect it to something contemporary?? Why dwell on something you don't know about, except for the Hollywood version? Being nostalgic for a time you never knew is one thing that endlessly irritates me, a lot of others, and especially the people who were actually there (not that there's anyone from the middle ages still around). Anyway, that's my rant. Have a nice day!
heywood, your issue is not with her writing, its with yourself, which comes to light in the sentence you wrote about taking your writing seriously. Seriously? Life is not serious, nor is writing. Nothing is serious, and the more you hold on to serious notions the less the ability to enjoy life is possible. The only serious moments is when a person is sick or in danger of pain/ dying, and then doubtful that much matters to that person other than holding on. The reason people gave her positive feedback without breaking apart her poem is because we enjoy it, and if you have some personal hangup that prevents the same emotion to be conjured up in your brain, perhaps you need to re evaluate yourself. Only you allow yourself to BE irritated.
1. You're posting it in a place where everyone is into this kind of thing and either refuses or is unable to express anything with real insight. Either because they're really young or really polite, the feedback you get here may have value to a delicate ego, but is worthless to someone who takes their writing seriously. Also, because you are a young girl on the Internet, your peers probably harbor subconscious (or conscious) desires to connect with you socially, more than actually critique or provide insight into your poem. Therefore, the comments provide very little in terms of valid suggestions and resort to affected, unrealistic compliments in order to hopefully build your confidence so you will return again and hang out with your new internet friends, for which compliments are easy but sincerity is basically impossible. I think just as many if not more people give compliments in person to "connect" with someone than online. Unless someone views "online friends" as close friends theyre probably not trying to connect when they have real people to hang out with. Talking online is not about building relationships with people, and if you really want to make friendes with someone talk in person. Not to say you can't meet someone that you originally "met" here, but its not likely to happen very often if at all. And Obviously not everyone can offer great insight or advice, but thats not to say they can't enjoy a poem. Is it really a huge deal?
I think there are valid points from both sides. Not all who give compliments harbor secret agendas and there is a lot of subjectivity involved, but I also don't think poetry should be disregarded as a serious art form. Personally, I think it must be taken seriously for the sake of growth of your craft. So in the nutshell I guess it all depends on your intention for writing. If it's just to express your immediate feelings, then yeah it probably doesn't really matter if you're serious about it or not.
Permit me, good sir, to tell you that your wisdom shines out like a star from the darkness within, such that great warriors would be forced to drop their axes and gasp at your brilliance. Tell me: Exactly how did my really not liking her poem lead to your sermonizing about the nature of life and death? I can't remember ever having said anything about anything being serious, especially not in my comments about this 'poem', but I do think it's pretentious and annoying for someone to write like they're some kind of mystical guru from the 8th century. Anyway I'd be hard-pressed to find anything that takes itself as seriously as this poem-- there's not a touch of humour in it. It all reads like someone has seen too many gladiator movies.
I'm sorry for having offended you and you should by no means like my poem if you do not want to. However, I see you have twice commented on the warrior line and I just wanted to tell you where it comes from. It is actually referencing the Bhagavad-Gita...when Sri Krishna shows his Universal Form to Arjuna during the philosophical and spiritual discourse before the battle of Kurukshetra in the Hindu epic, the Mahabharata. Seeing Krishna's universal form, Arjuna is reduced to amazement, awe, fear, and, in some versions, tears at the amazingness of Krishna's Cosmic form. With the idea that Krishna is God (or representing God)...it is said that when one realizes God within their hearts, that they are filled w/ the most beautiful inner peace...thus... when one recieves this peace within their hearts it could perhaps maybe (and I do not know...but I'd like to think) that it would have an effect on us quite like Arjuna's reaction to recieving a vision of Krishna. The peace of Self Realization is said to be expansive and the after effect of a direct experience of God in one's heart. It is just romanticing off the idea of what I wonder Self Realization would be like. I'm sorry if you did not enjoy it.
Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti Aum Dream on precious one, fill yourSelf with the beath of the Divine that your exhales may be as fragrant as roses and lilies. ... allows these reflections to pass, over and through, returning to the senders secret heart. Hari Om Tat Sat
