I was socially awkward throughout my childhood and adolescence. In my earlier adulthood I realized the behavior I was exhibiting and expressing. I've made massive changes to my life since then. This was more disorientation then a personality disorder. So, change came as quickly as understanding the choices I was making. This truth naturally led to a withdrawn social experience with a small collection of friends. The closest was a male whom eventually realized he was homosexual. I was accepting of everyone and this didn't change anything about our relationship as good friends. I didn't attend a university and wasn't going to experience much of the college life. Except, one of my other guy friends welcomed me into his experience. He was in the dorms of a university and one of his dorm mates became a good friend. They were friends with a group of girls a few doors down. Over the next year, I would come by for weekends and party with them. Eventually, my guy friend and his dorm mate decided to get a house the next summer. I was floating around and decided I would join them and get residency for a college discount. One of the women they were friends with was a local and offered to rent a room to me for a few months. Over the course of those months we became very close friends. I was staying with her family and she was in a pseudo-relationship with my guy friend. I respected that. Over the course of those months, things got more intimate. For me a sense of attachment that I had another friend who I could relate too(which wasn't common). The farthest we went was massaging and I wouldn't dare go further out of respect. But, I thought innocent touching wasn't out of line because I was the one holding back. It eventually "fizzled" to sugar coat what happened. I lost contact with this group after a falling out a few month after leaving her house and living in the beach house. Then I reach adulthood and realized my behavior was different than others in a social inhibiting way. And then I realized... The girl was the close male childhood friend in drag. That the guy had been interested in me and that everyone I was friends with and everyone he was friends with collectively organized themselves to make this happen. The family was his family. They were his aunt and cousins. I have come to realized that my family was inline with this as well. I think it was "what was best" because of my social dissonance and a safe way to "handle" the situation. No one mentioned "her", not my family or my friends after it happened. I mentioned it once to my sister who tried to lead me in the direction that I was "in love". Since then I don't talk to any of those friends. About 3 years now. I'm humiliated and I can't seem to find any way around what has happened. It's been hard to find a safe social place because no one will talk about it to me. They are hoping that I will revive that relationship unwittingly. I live in a small town and I know everyone is more on the side of my childhood friend. He has far more social prowess than I have ever had. I'm walking on a social tight rope. I hope I find a way to establish myself socially outside of this control. I feel weak and manipulated. And I know, people are looking out for their own interests which counter mine. It needed to be said.
Too clever makes it even more complicated than ever before... Enough said, wish I had a better way like the need.
I'm not sure what you are trying to express....are you in love with a transexual or are you ashamed you once were? or what?
