Control Problems.

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by SpreadingFlowers, Jun 11, 2006.

  1. Alright, I've been with this girl for about 10 months. And She's begining to develop somewhat of a 'control' problem. She wants me to cut my hair, and change how I act for her grandpa. I can't grow my hair past my shoulders, no big bushy beard. I cant just ditch friends if I dont wanna hang out with them, and one of the worst things is, no drugs :( We have some intense differences. Im vegetarian, shes a meat-eater. Im pagan, she's christian, I want to talk to her about our relationship, and how I've been worried. How should I go about doing that, any suggestions? Any ideas?
  2. Brand New Soul

    Brand New Soul Senior Member

    Wait your 13 and she wants you to do all that. Fuck man... that is controlling. I'd dump her...thats wow. BUt thats just my opinion.

    If you really want to make it work and talk about it. Invite her over and tell her flat out what you feel, and about the situation you find your self in. I mean if you can't even tell the girl how you feel about what shes trying to do to you and its as seriosue to say that she wants you to do all these things just for her. What kind of relationship is it?

    Good luck
  3. Yeah, Im trying to get by without dumping her. But it is pretty wild. Im trying to figure out how it is from her perspective but I mean, It's crazy o_O; She's always complaining that I don't like her friends.. But thats because they assume I'm a stoner because of the bright clothing I wear, and I hang out with stoners. Painted with the same brush I suppose, though. When people assume Im a stoner, it typically pisses me off. :(
  4. Brand New Soul

    Brand New Soul Senior Member

    But aren;t you? You said in the original post no more durgs..

    Thats really nice of you to look at her from her prespective. Just ask her why she wants you to do all these things? I mean I don't even understand it....

    Maybe theres someone out there who will except you fro who you are.

    Good Luck man!!!
  5. But its the fact that they ASSUME I am. I'm actually not, but if I was gonna pick up drugs in the future..
    And thanks :)
  6. moon_flower

    moon_flower Banned

    You're only 13....can you even grow a big bushy beard?
    When I was 13....I never really got to 'hang out' with my friends. Just at sleepovers and whatnot.
    And, you have the rest of your life for long, serious relationships. Shouldn't you still be playing with GI Joes and mud?
  7. moon_flower

    moon_flower Banned

    ....You know everything. I forgot, you're the only person here that can give advice and have an opinion.
    And, my reply was to the OP....not you. So, kindly fuck off.
  8. ihmurria

    ihmurria fini

    change how you act for her grandpa how? I mean, treat him with more respect, don't swear around him etc? Or in terms of things when he isn't around?

    I'd talk to her about it first, let her know that you want her to love/date you for who you are, that change shouldn't be necessary. Meals can be worked around, ditto for religion. Wanting you to be someone other than who you are, it just doesn't work out
  9. moon_flower

    moon_flower Banned

    No one said anything about 13 not being mature. So, shove that bit out of the way.
    My opinion is good.
    13 year olds shouldn't be worrying about girls....they should be playing with GI Joes. That's the problem today....people grow up all too fast.
    But,'re the only one with a good opinion, so just don't read anything else I have to say, and your life will be alright. ;)
  10. Brand New Soul

    Brand New Soul Senior Member

    Oh okay sorry I misunderstood. Well yah that would piss me off to. But yah...don';t grow up to fast! HAve fun and what ever you chose to do... good luck. Geeze im still 15 and Im a little kid at heart...I still go easter egg hunting and act like a silly fool. :)...
  11. Yeah, yeah, totally, the big bushy beard thing was a joke (he-haw) And in the world today, people hit puberty around the age of 10. They START to look at the opposite sex. And mud no longer interests me. GI Joes never did. Am I supposed to wait until 18 before I start a relationship? :)
    Assuming because I'm thirteen, that I'm stupid, IS stupid.
    BNS - Once again, thanks for the advice. :)
  12. Christos104

    Christos104 Member

    wow, this one's interesting, not for the original post so much, although it does have merit, but with the following posts. We all need to remember that the old saying does hold true, opinions are like arseholes, we all got one lol And more importantly, our opinions only really matter to ourselves (and to whomever happens to agree at the time lol). I will admit that i was originally confused by the references to the "not being able to take drugs even though i don't take them" and "not being able to grow a big bushy beard", but it seems we've cleared those up :)
    Here's my tuppence worth, i may as well join the party, the more the merrier lol. Moon Flower, i understood where you were going with the GI Joe and mud thing, in our current society the new generation is growing up very early on, it's something that concerns me when i'm feeling philosophical and maudlin lol - the reference to GI Joe's and playing in the mud was a little patronising, although i understand it wasn't intended that way - ps insane jester, this isn't a case of evolution, girls were expected to be married and popping kids out by the age of 14 in the middle ages, this is a result of social climates - you might want to make sure you have your facts straight b4 you start accusing others of ignorance :)
    Now,to the matter at hand - spreading flowers, you are young to be dealing with this sort of intense relationship pressure, but as i'm an old fart and a little ignorant with the current generation, i won't assume you're too young to deal with it, you're just looking for a little advice right? Just as an aside, confusion over relationships isn't something that will go away with time or expeience, it just gets a little less confusing each time (ha)
    I'll let you in on a little secret, women are attracted to us for different qualities we possess (and for looks, although chicks aren't quite as shallow as us in this department lol). They will then hook up with you and proceed to try and mould you into their perception of their perfect guy, even though this normally means subduing the very qualities that originally attracted them to you. If you give in to this character reshaping, you will eventually be dumped because "you aren't the same guy that i fell in love with" - we will put aside the fact that she was the one that wanted you to change lol - confused? of course you are, we all are, brother :). Now,no offence to you girls, you can't help it, it's in the genes, i'm sure. Call me a cynic or just a student of human nature, i've seen this a thousand times, i assure you i am not making this up. Sounds crazy? Sure it is, you are now a part of the wonderful world of relationships, get used to it lol.
    My advice to you in this situation? Part of her is testing you, part of her wants you to change a little - do what you'll learn to do really well in life, compromise. List down what she wants you to change, decide what is reasonable to you and what is unreasonable, then sit down with her and talk about it. Let her know your decisions on what you are prepared to work on and what you think is unreasonable, and why. Stay calm. Do not let the conversation turn into an argument, if things look like they're headed that way just say that you are willing to discuss the matter, but only in a calm and relaxed atmosphere - when things get emotional, people say hurtful things that they don't really mean, and that means a whole lot of trouble, probably for you lol. Stick to your guns on things you feel she is being unreasonable about, not being able to hangout with your friends is normally a condition that causes resentment from yourself sooner or later, and is a pretty unfair request to make, but you decide on what you think is reasonable and what is not. If she pushes you on things that you're not willing to compromise on, best to let her go, or at least tell her that that scenario will not work for you, if it's going to be a deal breaker she's going to have to be the one to compromise or it's just not gonna work out - put the ball in her court, if you guys cannot get past this the relationship will bust at some stage, as it will if you just give in to her demands.

    Sorry this was so long winded, i've just re-read it, god i'm boring lol
    Good luck with whichever way you go on this
    Moonflower and insanejester,are you two gonna behave? lol
  13. moon_flower

    moon_flower Banned

    No, jester. I didn't misunderstand. You're not that complex.
    And, OP, I never said you were stupid. What does that have to do with ANYTHING I said? ;)
    Most people do hit puberty about 10 or 11....still, I don't see any beards sprouting out until about 15 or 16....even then it's an uneven mess.
  14. Christos104

    Christos104 Member

    jester, i'll agree with one and disagree with other - moonflower is a damn good lookin gal (that was a compliment, by the way, moonflower) - of course spreading flowers is being tested (where did you get your handle, spreading flowers? - Dances With Wolves? lol), guys are always being tested. Should they be? Maybe not, but it does make life kinda interesting. If you think this is not the case then i'm afraid you have less relationship experience than our 13 year old spreading flowers - peace out :)
  15. back to your question man, i'd probly get out now. it's my experiance, that as soon as a woman starts trying to change you, it's only going to get worse. ok, you'll change for her grandpa, and you'll cut your hair. great. but that will only encourage her. she will then try to make you eat meat, or convert to her religion. it will always be something. talk to her. if she can't just accept you for who you are, then tell her goodbye. find yourself an awesome hippy girlfriend who loves you for who you are.
  16. mamaboogie

    mamaboogie anarchist

    believe it or not, I agree with Jester.
    Life's too short to be sucked into a relationship with a manipulative insecure immature girl. You're 13, go have fun!! and yes, I do remember what kind of fun I was having at 13, it wasn't sleepovers and playing with dolls... ;)
  17. Christos - Yeah, I feel like I'm being tested. Don't like it. I don't want to be tested, and I'm going to tell her that. (And no, I was just feeling 'creative' one night.)
    moon_flower - Maybe stupid was a bad way to put it, I mean, too young, or immature.
    mamaboogie - Right, it didnt used to be like this. She was never this controlling until lately. I'm definately not gonna stay in the relationship if its gonna go down like this.
  18. Christos104

    Christos104 Member

    good on yer, spreading flowers, and good luck, it may turn out to be a lot of ado about nothing. ps wasn't taking the piss with your handle, when i typed it for some reason i thought of Dances With Wolves, which i haven't seen for years, man :)
  19. moon_flower

    moon_flower Banned

    Don't worry about me not catching on, Jester. Maybe you need to keep it slow and simple so you'll know what you're talking about.
    And, thanks, guys. :p
  20. moon_flower

    moon_flower Banned

    Young....yes. I never said you are immature.
    I guess I'm like this because my boyfriends little brother is going to be 13 in September....and I don't like to think of him getting into girls. But....he hasn't hit puberty yet (I guess he's a late bloomer), I'm not that worried. He still seems little to me, though.

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