contacting the ex (we are still friends)

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by Carlfloydfan, Jan 8, 2005.

  1. Carlfloydfan

    Carlfloydfan Travel lover

    I really clicked with this girl at the beginning of 1st semester in college this year. She is wicked cute, funny, outgoing, smart and chill which made me feel very lucky. But the fact that she felt lucky and safe around me made me feel even more lucky plus she was developing strong feelings. There was a bond, most def.! We had at least 3 aim conversations each over three hours and over the span of four nights talked on the phone for a total of almost 7.5 hours which is great for someone (me) who dislikes the phone. But we kept things slow and I was fine, I wanted to get to know her so we kissed/made out and would sleep over each others dorm and cuddle for the night, the thought of sex never crossed my mind, just getting to know her was what I wanted (I think she was a virgin). But maybe the downfall was our inexperience. As pretty and nice as she was, she had never had a bf and she was a freshman in college. Her and her twin were inseperable pretty much, which is why I think she never dated. I had only had one serious gf before this. But all our friends saw us being together. Her twin sister even helped me out. overall, we had a great relationship, although it was short, people said we looked good together and we complimented each other a lot and had a lot in common.

    The thing she liked most about me as soon as we met was how chill I was. We dated for a month and things ended dec.6...Cause I kinda yelled at her for encouraging this kid...she laughed at him when he held a knife up to us...I guess she saw the humour where as I wanted to show I cared and I did not laugh, bear in mind I do usually have a great sense of humor (which is another thing she had liked)...and I pissed off her twin sister by waking her up than telling her to shut up when I was venting...bad move for a guy who is usually easy going...plus I didn't apologize...so I lost my gf the next night after and I was totally heartbroken and she was holding back tears..I talked to her the next day on aim and than the next day after that for an hour and a half on aim...We had agreed during the breakup to remain friends and it seemed like we were making good strides and I wanted that. You know I made a few mistakes while dating cause I am human, not that I am trying to downplay anything. like not accompying her into a gas station (in maine) late at night when she was lost cause I had fallin asleep after a long date. but I did what a lot of guys wouldn't, I admitted, apologized and tried to fix my mistakes for the future. a lot of guys in my situation would deny the mistake or throw another mistake in their partners face or downplay the situation. I didn't do any of that.

    Anywho, I realized I had feelings after she slept over and we cuddled one night, granted we were buzzed. And than another night she flirted a lot and people were telling me there was still something there. and we hugged for a long time and as I held her close I realized it was my nirvana. So I told her how I felt. Again, we were both buzzed, if not drunk. I don't think she appreciated that and after some long thinking said "as of right now I have no feelings" despite what her actions were saying. even her best friend who i am friend with was confused a little by her choosing to sleep over. i didn't tell her to, she did it under her own free will. but we parted the 22nd after she told me she felt bad but did not want to get back together.

    I left her an x-mas message on the 24th. than gave it some time and finally called and talked to her the 29th. She seemed excited to hear from me and we talked for 10 minutes before she asked me to call back cause recption was bad on my side. and she texted me on the 31st. we exchanged texts before she sent me, literally, 3-4 texts, finally asking me to call her. So I did and she was already 5 or 6 beers in. so we talked for 5 minutes before crap reception made us decide to talk another day. She called back a while later, around 11 and as soon as I picked up, she was convinced I had called her. but we ended up talking for 10-12 minutes despite her being hammered and not admitting she was drunk. so I sent her text wishing her a good night and her friend called on her phone with a message telling me not to call...weird....than I got a call from a guy who was like "I'm chilling with your girl, we've been talking about you" and I said, "we are just friends, we broke up". but she musta said something to him if he thought she was my girl...as I talked to him I started to feel weird. once I hung up I started to get this really bad feeling in my stomach and I felt this intution like never before, like this worryness or something. so I walked to the beach (great relaxer) and thought "maybe she needs to make a mistake or have something bad happen at the hands of a real asshole to make her realize how much i cared and loved her." so than I get a text from him at 3:30, saying "I fucked ur girl". but she was a virgin but I was still confused and just felt 100% awful and sick to my stomache and thought she had done something bad and felt remorseful for having thought the way I had on the beach. So I sent my ex a text telling her about the text but not what it said. no response so i waited a few hours and sent another one asking her to do me a favor. her twin sister ended up calling asking what the favor was. me and my exs sister have been on good terms since the 16th or so btw. I told her to tell my ex not to give out my number and that I had received a nasty text, but did not say what it was. Well, my exs twin said she was sober which made me feel a little better but my ex was drunk. but on the 4th I talked to my ex online and she said she didn't remember a thing. But now its the 9th and besides talking on the 31st and a few texts she never responded to early on in the 1st, I haven't talked to her since the 4th. she said two or three times how bored she was on the 4th. I told her it was to bad she wasn't coming up cause i was having a party and that they (my ex and her twin) are always welcome.

    to make a long story short, how often should I contact her from now on, now that you guys know some of the story. We will be going back to school the 18th. she leaves for florida the 11th. I was thinking of sending her text wishing her safe travels. I think she still cares for me as some of her actions speak louder than her words. Keep in mind she is an old fashioned girl. I made most of the calls, even when we were dating during thanksgiving, I made all four calls during break. so what should i do about the text? I want to show her in person and say "I don't deserve this". I can be really intense when it comes to how i feel and care for people and sometimes it sets me up for a huge hurt.
     
  2. Phsh Melt

    Phsh Melt Member

    Well if you desire such great happiness, forget about it....true 'nirvana' does not include stress! If you are desperate to maintain some sort of contact w/ her, wait until you see her, or she calls you, or something. If she contacts you, it means she wants to either be friends or if she is as immature as I think she is(not to mention a typical freshman drinker) and wants to just drag you along for the attention. You need to figure out what's going on in her head but truthfully buddy....you seem to have a really good heart and I dont think any of this is worth it. You're yet to even convince me through reading this entire story that shes a good person at all....makes it sort of seem like you liked her because she liked you. Let it go and move on. Hope I was helpful.
     
  3. Carlfloydfan

    Carlfloydfan Travel lover

    Well, in some ways she is immature. She still talks about her HS a lot, especially when her Best Freind is around and she laughs at pretty dumb things sometimes, like kids being obnoxious and yelling down the hall at random people. But she has her faults and I accepted them and she was a sweet heart to me before and during our relationship. But in other ways, she is mature, she is very studious in her work and knows what she wants to do already and works her butt off, especially in the summer. It isn't that she is a drunkard, its that she gets out of control occasionally. She usually goes to bed early in fact and I was the one staying up late and chillin with friends. I have dramatically cut back on my drinking from last year, first semester.

    But she is a genuine sweet heart for the most part. Its just, I don't think she knows what she wants right now. I was sweet to her, after really getting to know her and knowing she hated pot, I gave it up so I would never make a dumb mistake for her. I threw my piece in the ocean!

    I do agree that what she is doing right now, especially new years, is not right. You are right man, I will just wait things out, as hard as it is, and see if she contacts me, granted she is old fashioned and usually has the guys contact her. although she does send texts.

    But she said she wanted to be freinds and keep in touch over break (she said that herself, 2-3 times). But if I ever ended up with her, this pain may have been worth it cause we were def. into each other and she is a good person overall, just a little confused. I would love to grow myself and give her time to grow as a person. I think with a little time, she could mature into the person that would be the girl of my dreams...maybe not, destiny will tell. But I do want to chill with other girls too, and my friend who also lost a girl of one year, wants to meet girls.
     
  4. Phsh Melt

    Phsh Melt Member

    first of all...everything you've dscribed mentions thing you did for her. Why do you change? If you need to significantly change a life style you were happy with before meeting this chick, then she never liked the real you anyway. Be real and see what happens. And why is all this on her terms? Make a few demsands yourself. Maybe she'll like you more if you show some balls though I stick by my previous opinion of just letting it go. Even with all these drawn out paragraphs your writing I dont see one good thing about her and tons of good things about you. Move on and find a girl more like you.
     
  5. Carlfloydfan

    Carlfloydfan Travel lover

    Yes, what you've been saying has helped. I have also been talking to friends who know her too. They say what she is doing now and the past few weeks is not fair, regardless of how sweet she was in the past. I know the best thing to do right now is meet other people and have a good time. I don't want to flaunt anything if I do meet another girl, that isn't me. But she'll figure it out soon enough if I do meet another girl. I decided that I'd send her a short text message to wish her a safe flight to Florida. Than I will get away from the situation until the 18th. If I bump into her at school (pop. 2000), I'll show her the text, and act like a friend would in showing her. But besides that, you are right, I will meet other people and just get away.

    I wouldn't say I made huge changes for her, just stopped smoking pot. I really didn't smoke when I was getting to know her/with her cause I wanted to respect her. But I totally miss getting stoned now, heh.
     
  6. Phsh Melt

    Phsh Melt Member

    why would u show her the text if u bumped into her? I dont have any friends who woudl do that. Kinda creepy dude. Just let it go. If she contacts you, be cool, if she doesn't, be even cooler. :) It's freshman year and you have something to learn from every person on this planet....meet them all!
     
  7. Carlfloydfan

    Carlfloydfan Travel lover

    hey I like your quote phish melt...and I could go for a turkey melt sandwich, if such a thing exists, which I think it does, its hot and the cheese is melted.

    anywho, I would show her the text cause she dosen't remember that night and she had told me about this kid who takes advantage of girls and I am not sure if he is the one, I am worried about her. and also to say, "I don't deserve this." why is it creepy to show her a message that some random guy sent me? my friends all said - show her but don't ask to many questions. but just curious, sorry if I come off as thick headed, I don't mean it that way.

    and I will find a girl to treat like a sweet heart despite the fact that I am a broke college student, heh.

    thanks phish melt for all your advice. sometimes I do not listen to all of peoples advice but I do appreciate it. its just at the same time, I guess I gotta learn this stuff on my own, yea know?
     
  8. Phsh Melt

    Phsh Melt Member

    Well the truth is, it sounds like uv asked a lot of people what u should do and i have a feeling she probably already knows you've been talking about her....SOME ONE had to have told her. Girls aren't that stupid, we're intuitive. If she hasn't come up to you by now, it may mean she doesnt want you. And why are you worrying about the text? why bother asking about it if it wont change anything? Shes not going to be like "Thank you for showing me the light, this guys a loser, take me now!" We know guys are losers and sometimes date them anyways, she knew who he was and what he does, you wont be the first to tell her. It just looks a little desperate for contact to me and you seem like too nice of a guy to stoop to that. She's moved on for now and though it may change later, let her be moved on.
     
  9. Carlfloydfan

    Carlfloydfan Travel lover

    Yeah, you are right, I have asked a lot of people, but they are my friends, not hers. But I should stop worrying and just NOT show her anyways.

    We've had 4 weeks of being at least 5, to as many as 30 hours away from each other, so it should be interesting to see what happens when we eventually see each other, since the school is small. But I am just gonna meet other people and have a blast and be worry free like I was last year.

    Thanks
     
  10. Phsh Melt

    Phsh Melt Member

    keep me posted darlin
     
  11. Carlfloydfan

    Carlfloydfan Travel lover

    yeah so I saw her today at dinner and ate with her and some of her friends. I am friends/know every single person that was there at the table. We didn't talk to each other to much at dinner but she had noticed me as I walked in to the cafe and flashed me a smile. She is just so pretty...sighhh...and her laugh...wow....and we talked a little bit on the way back to our respected dorms, which are 50 feet apart...she asked a few questions on the way back and seemed fairly interested, I suppose....its gonna be tough though cause the feelings are still there...I did meet some new people last night however and met some other people on the 17th too. all of which were cool. They were some wicked cool people, a lot of em' stoners too, haha! But I dunno, when I asked her if she wanted to chill on aim she was like, "sure, sometime" so I dunno if that is to vauge or what but I just want things to turn out fine. I guess I just jump into things to soon with people and than something like this happens where I am hung up for a long time. And it's weird cause I didn't talk to her for 2 and a half weeks (besides that one text) and was feeling better. but since shes been back (18th) I have been getting butterflies in my stomache and the feelings are there and its just this strong feeling....I just wish there was something really sweet I could do to show her how I feel, I would give her the moon if I could, or go to hell and back, anything! And if I could do something big and she didn't respond than I would know to move on...the poem I wrote for her may be published actually, but that was in the works before and during our time together...I had written it the 1st time I met her, she was so amazing.

    Even though I don't like Will Smith I liked one of his quotes he had in a movie that is coming out, "any man has a chance to sweep any woman off her feet"....that is what I want, even though I am a poor college student and have little to no money...for this girl.

    But I guess some girl may come about and if she makes me forget about this girl than she may be the one I am looking for...But thanks phishmelt, for your help.
     
  12. Phsh Melt

    Phsh Melt Member

    Well I feel as a female I need to offer some more advice. If a guy asked me to hang out and I said "sure sometimes\"...that means I DONT want to hang out w/ them or like some girls I know, trying to see how far the guy will go for them. This girl is not quality and clearly has nothing interesting to say b/c you would be naming specific things she says if she were. MOVE ON. She's not worth your time and it may eb too late to sweep her off her feet. Seems like she's trying to see how far she can make you fetch (excuse the dog reference) or just blatently not interested. Go hang out w/ the new cool folks you met. It seems like your mad cool, so share your coolness w/ some one who will appreciate it.
     
  13. Carlfloydfan

    Carlfloydfan Travel lover

    why would you say sure if you didn't want to phishmelt?

    She had also said "def." when I asked her if she could help me out and give me advice with this situation I am in. It invloves two of my friends who use to date but totally dislike each other and are not getting me into the middle of the situation. so she at least wants to help and shes not annoyed with me, I asked her last night.

    But yeah, I chilled with some new friends last night, probably again tonight.
     
  14. Phsh Melt

    Phsh Melt Member

    so she said 'def' whe it came to discussing other peoples business (YOURS) meaning she enjoys gossip....like most girls. I find it humerous that she wasn't so enthusiastic when it came to you asking to hang out. Trust me...if a guy asked me to hang out that I actually wanted to spend time with, I wouldn't say "sure sometime."....I'd say "when?". She would have made plans right them and there if she truly wanted to hang out. Why are you still bothering w/ this girl? So far she's caddy, manipulative, and a gossip and that's JUST from what's YOU'VE described.
     
  15. Carlfloydfan

    Carlfloydfan Travel lover

    I met another girl, great girl, got to know her tonight. Not sure if she has a bf but she seems cool and sorta different, but chill...didn't think of the ex to much. But as I've been writing this post and been alone with my thoughts, she has crept back a little.

    I can't remember if I mentioned but my IM is pinkfloydmeddle5 on aim, feel free to get in touch.
     

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