constructive critisicm needed

Discussion in 'Stoners Lounge' started by freerun, May 13, 2007.

  1. freerun

    freerun Member

    its the end of a good weekend and im chillin with some mates havin a blaze, then i suddenly feel like pickin up a pad and a pen, this is after like a half ounce of white widow.
    all ctritisicm is welcome.
    keep in mind this is the first time ive ever tried to write poems before and ive lost the poems so these are as close as i can remember
    enjoy:

    im sat here smokin, now u know i aint jokin, so once i start tokin,
    it feels like my soul has awoken.
    as my vision starts to glaze,
    so in my mind i can see past the haze,
    for my kind,
    The human race must discover how to face,
    the problems inherant with this place,
    but through this drug smoked across the nation,
    i hear the roar of a new generation,
    ready, waitin, in preparation

    tonight i will take some ecstasy,
    tonight i will fulfil the prophecy,
    that was once told to me.
    that with pure mdma my mind will be set free, [​IMG]
    my inhibitions will leave me,
    and il forget the daily grind,
    the trap which is societies bind,
    so do me no wrong,
    just pass round the bong,
    let us join as if we were a tribe,
    and lets spread this good vibe.

    Yo ollie i know you aint no wollie,
    now i aint gonna say please,
    or get down and beg on my knees,
    just pass me the bong,
    quick as a breeze.

    i look forward to hearing your thoughts on these ryhmes.
     
  2. gaum

    gaum Elephant Orgy

    i like it [​IMG]
     
  3. freerun

    freerun Member

    cheers man, aint your tag from the song "the joker" by fatboyslim
     
  4. pianoperson60

    pianoperson60 Senior Member

    pretty damn cool actually! i like it :) wha ti like most is the rhythm of the poem
     
  5. freerun

    freerun Member

    hey bin doin a bit of smokin and writin again, and got inspired to try a bit of a rap when my mate was doin sum mcing, im not gonna say its any good, but i'd be interested to see what you guys think of it

    Go to the bank, stick my card in the wall, take out my pay think to my self "it begins the nights under way" i type the digits for speedy cause my mates feel the need to unleash their minds from the daily grind. So now I have the power to find the key to unlock the door. the clue to unravel this god damned mystery. Time to live in the present, forget about my history!

    hey its my first one its not expected to compair with with the likes of Skinny Man but every1's gotta start some where. Oh and stick on some fat beats whilst listenin to it.
     
  6. gaum

    gaum Elephant Orgy

    steve miller band
     
  7. 40oz and chronic

    40oz and chronic 'Nuff Said

    keep writing man that's not bad at all
     
  8. freerun

    freerun Member

    i was thinking of the cover by fatboyslim, you should check it out its pretty good.

    Anyway; hey all, as i smoke i get my inspiration, its not unique its felt round the nation, so without any more exageration i give you my latest creation:


    see what i say, is nothing but the reflection on the times,
    you think you speak but all you do is mime.
    You think you understand me but all you know is my rhyme;
    for my words shoot through your mind like the smoke through your bong
     
  9. digitalldj

    digitalldj Canucks ftw!

    imo those are more like "freestyles" then poems

    they dont consist of any structure besides free verse, which is just pretty much writing words
     

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