Confused with how to deal w/ this issue...

If this doesn't belong in the relationships forum feel free to move it to love and sex...the reason I chose to put it here is that it involves the possibility of a relationship.

So I've been friends with this guy since we were teenagers, and we're in our late 20's now. Once when we were younger, we ended up having a makeout session out of nowhere on my couch and then nothing ever happened after that - we just stayed friends. We both got in serious relationships with our "first loves" at around the same time, and kind of dropped out of touch for the duration of those relationships. I think he and his ex broke up about 6 months before me and mine did. A mutual friend of ours was going to go away to grad school at around the time we both became single, and he had a going away cookout thing that we got reunited at. A few months after that, we ended up hanging out for Halloween with another mutual friend, and got really cuddly that night and ended up having a pretty long lasting makeout session. Then we didn't meet up for like a year after that. A mutual friend of ours was sadly in an accident that took his life. This brought me and my friend together again for the memorial, along with many other old friends. The mourning was intense and it has taken a lot out of me and all of us, but also taught me that life is so precious and to appreciate everyone and everything positive in your life.

So my personality type used to be that I was very into having a partner and being in relationships, and since my friend passed away I've been very focused on building a future for myself for once. I learned that my tendency to just want steady relationships always really limited me in building my own life and having my own identity. I was always someone's girlfriend, and now I'm just me (even before my "first love" I was with a high school boyfriend who I wasn't really "in love" with for a long time). And now for some reason I have almost no sex drive. I do feel sexual from time to time, but it's almost like I prefer to just take care of it myself. My reason for this is that I have a very fertile imagination and usually find my own fantasies and masturbation to be more satisfying than what people have offered me.

I can't really explain it - in theory sex with someone else sounds good to me, but in practice I just almost feel sick to my stomach if I'm about to maybe get some and just want to cop out. Case in point recently my friend came over again. We got cuddly again. I DO like cuddling, and kind of wanted to stick to platonic cuddling. But we ended up kissing again. I really didn't want to take it any further, though. And you can tell when someone wants to go further, and he very obviously did. He is a gentleman and has never pushed someone to go further from what I know, which I'm sure has left him frustrated in the past. I could tell when I thwarted further advances that he was, and wanted more, but he was nice about it.

This is a very sweet guy, with a lot to offer someone whether he just wants casual fun, dating, or to take a relationship further. He's always a gentleman, good looking, generous, easy going and laid back. I wouldn't say he's quite my match intellectually, though, and there's some issues with him resisting change in areas of life that I'm all about changing. I'll elaborate more on that in a sec. He's quite nice and like I said has a lot to offer someone, but right now I just can't even muster the desire to want anything more than maintaining what we already have - a trusting friendship. He has desirable qualities, I'm not denying, but I feel like getting involved with him too much might hinder my progress forward in life. Furthermore I enjoy being around him and have a nice, safe, warm feeling around him...but it's not a romantic feeling, it's just like being with an old friend I trust. I once did have romantic/passionate feelings for him when I was younger (around that very first makeout session that we never acted on I maintained a crush for a few months), but I can't make those come back in the present because I've changed a great deal since then. I'll explain more* after making a couple other points...

I could tell he at least wanted to spend the night with me and sleep over. I didn't want him to. I don't know why, maybe it would have been nice to be held while sleeping, but I just wanted to sleep alone in my own bed. I think he wanted more physical intimacy though and I felt that letting him sleep over might give him the signal that I was inviting such a thing. I sleep naked and almost can't sleep with clothes on, and I would have felt like being naked with him in bed would have sent a signal I didn't want to. I felt bad but I made excuses to send him home so I could be solitary when I went to sleep.

It's so strange because I used to be what I would consider now to be quite clingy. I didn't feel as much confidence in myself, so I guess I looked too much for validation in others. Now that I know how to validate myself I just don't feel like I need that, and I guess from years of always being in close quarters with a partner, I don't want to spend that much time cuddling and being in someone's arms. I enjoy it for awhile, then I want them to kind of go away for awhile. Not to sound callous or cold, but after he left last night I switched into me-time mode and enjoyed sleeping alone.

I think what it comes down to is that I crave more intellectual and emotional intimacy and less physical intimacy. Lately if I do like someone, I feel like I'm attracted to their mind first. I'm still visually-oriented enough to meld the two together - usually when I'm crushin' on someone these days it's because they have (in my eyes) a combination of traits I find very appealing. Maybe I'm kind of picky...I'm afraid of getting into a relationship I don't feel 100% about then later maybe having to hurt someone good by changing or ending it. I'd much rather be independent and work on my own life, perfect myself to be who I've always wanted to be, live out my dreams. My dreams no longer require a romance, although when I think long-range I would eventually like to start a family with a life partner. I just think I have more growing to do before I think about that.

*My friend has made it clear that he wants to stay here in our hometown. I feel like I need to move on after I finish my certification exam for my chosen line of work, and experience life in some different localities and do some traveling. A friend I just talked to about this was like, "well, maybe if you don't give it a chance to grow you can never know if you maybe missed out on a great partner." I can see what she means, but it's null and void to me when my plans involve eventually moving and he has set himself up so that if he did want to move he'd have to wait a number of years.

Also, I'm not bragging about being the smartest person ever or anything, I'm certainly not, but I require a great deal of mental stimulation in a relationship (whether the relationship is just a fuckbuddy thing or if it develops into something more serious) if I'm going to stay interested. He's certainly got a good head on his shoulders, but doesn't like getting too philosophical or going into long, rambling discussions. He's not very opinionated, either. I almost require that my partners be opinionated and have well-thought-out arguments to back them up. He's never challenged or stimulated my mind now that I think about it. We have a great friendship and lots of fun together. Things we do have in common are a love for nature, yummy food, good music, and outdoor sports like hiking and kayaking and the like. I think he's maybe a more physically oriented person than I am, even though I'm kind of an exercise addict - he's better at expressing himself physically and I'm better intellectually/emotionally. I think it would be a lot of me teaching him some brainy smartypants stuff. To me it's not interesting if I'm the one always being creative and coming up with ideas. That's another thing, I'm usually always the one coming up with things to do.

All that being said, a romantic partner is the last thing I really want right now, unless I could find someone on an even keel intellectually AND sexually so that they'd indulge some of my weirder kinks (mostly nerdy roleplay stuff, if you have to know) without thinking it's too much work or effort. I think part of my problem too is that my sexuality is largely borne out of intellect instead of just down and dirty sex that I just don't get as turned on by regular play and therefore avoid it because it bores me. My fetish stuff is certainly not depraved by any standards, but I think it requires creativity and a vivid imagination to really work, and no one I've come across recently is compatible with those desires anyway. So yeah, if I could find someone who is A: sexually compatible or at least open minded and creative, and B: independent enough to respect my boundaries of space, and C: can accept that the relationship might not be permanent unless they're open to relocating at some point (and I would never ask someone to uproot their life to follow me if they really wanted to stay)...then I'd maybe form some kind of relationship. But right now it's the last thing I really want.

I feel content at present with the emotional and mental intimacy I receive via my friendships, and the companionship of my closer family members. I require what some may consider too much alone time, but I'm always busy. I'm trying to get so that I can make some extra money freelancing with my artistic and creative talents. I've never used those talents for monetary gain, but with the internet as a tool one can put themselves out there quite easily - I'm not looking to make a whole living, but a few extra bucks on the side here and there from being creative would be amazing. So that takes up time. I'm also working on becoming a personal trainer so I spend a great deal of time working out. And then when I'm just vegging out I read, or write, or listen to music, or dance...it's just so amazingly free to be single right now, and infinitely easier.

So that's my long, rambling rant about feeling somewhat guilty about having a potentially nice partner interested in me, and me not being able to muster my old feelings for him back but still having a great deal of platonic love and caring for him. I guess I feel guilty because I'd be accused of being picky, but to me relationships aren't the only good thing in life, and it's not a priority to me at this point in time. I think being picky is usually a good thing. I just suppose I feel anxiety because I'm "supposed to" want sex, or a partner, and right now unless he's AMAZZZZING to me, I just don't...Another facet is that I think it would possibly be one of those relationships that everyone else loved and approved of (I know for a fact some mutual friends have been vying for it since the original makeout session so long ago - sort of a "How Harry Met Sally" fantasy), but I just wouldn't be satisfied. I've seen far too many friends of mine stay in relationships they were no longer into or hot on just for the sake of not upsetting their mutual friends or families. I just refuse to do that.

 

P.S. Hipforums has been far more useful therapy than my actual therapist. And it's free! whoohoo

 

Wow Lots to read and take in O o.. Very well written I might add. Probably will think on a better response down the line to realy View what you giveing for a better response but for now here some things that have crossed my mind.

atm you sound very independant with yourself. I would defenetly express and make sure the guy knows this as easy as you can think on presenting it to him. The other thing would be, Is he open minded ? or try to totally negate the things you realy want to do, especially on your off time.

I would express in anyone, that there should be no reasoning for someone not to be able to do what they want to do. Though in a Relationship sense I would say to divide the times up, on what you like and what he likes, If both can effectively work with this, I highly doubt there will be as many non independant issues.

On the sexual sense, I cannot say to much on.. Since I cannot fully know lol, But I do know people are creatures of habit. The more you do something, The more you get used to just doing that, and keep the same habit will only make it worse. It sucks, and the habits are never hard to break. But if to ever progress back out of it, you will need to work on doing it. Unfortunetly No amazing guy is going to come along with all the needs you desire and fix everthing =/. There will always be give and takes.

Well this is longer then i though i could think on lol, Hope its anybit usefull and just some ideas. Sorry if any typos I am missing in advance, doing that nowadays O o. /Gets old

 

It sounds like you know what you want hon
Don't question yourself and don't settle for less
It's awesome to hear a woman feel empowered and not feel like she NEEDS a man to validate her
Keep it up and you'll eventually find what you're looking for

 

Thank you MissBHave, you get it! yay! And to Istar you make some valid points. Believe it or not I'm not looking for someone magical - I know it doesn't exist. But at the same time to just be with him because he has certain qualities, or because others think we'd be a good match, would be a limitation to myself. Part of it too is that he's reciprocating feelings for me that I once had for him in the past but no longer have in the present. A lot of it is bad timing. Also, I'm not going to follow your advice re: the sex. I don't feel like it would benefit me to make myself have sex when I don't feel like it. I don't buy the "oh, you'll get used to it" thing. If I'm not into it in the first place, forcing myself to do it isn't going to make me "learn to like it." But I know you were just making a suggestion, so no worries. I just don't feel right about approaching it that way, at least at this time. My hope honestly is that the sex drive will return once I've both had a chance to get to know myself better, and perhaps open myself up to meeting someone AFTER I allow myself to try and live out those dreams (schooling, travel, relocation, etc.). I've pretty much decided I'm not going to date this guy, and I do realize I'll have to make it clear to him what my plans and intentions are, and never give him any false hope out of fear of hurting his feelings. It really helped to vent this out to people who are impartial to the situation at hand, too. Thanks for reading and listening! And I appreciate the compliments on my writing, too. Peace!

 

Just keep trusting your own instincts
Never doubt them and you will find your way

 

Yeah do not do or force yourself into doing something you clearly do not want. Sorry if it sounded to do that, but it was more to take it as an understanding of probably why you perfer one thing over the other.

I'm kinda on the same situation in that regard. I'm very well used to me and nothing else, in which I have to work on getting myself out of, Cause I know its not anyone else's fault how I am but Me lol :tongue: Though as I said only means she gets more pleasure out of it so realy not a bad thing lol.

Quite Unsure on a guy stand point of view on what you two mean on, you need a guy to "validate" what you want so you can have it? Kinda sounding Slavish to me lol. The only thing I meant by letting him know, Is so that its not like he is wondering around in the dark, letting his own mind think of what the situation is. This is never good. There's not a need to ask permission at all, its just so everyone understands each other clearly.

Only asked the questions about him, if maybe you wanted second thoughts on still being with the guy and keeping most the of the same independance. But you have decided on a clear path and thats what you should focus on then . Its not to stop you but more into looking at things in different perspectives at the time.

 

i just meant that alot of women feel like they NEED someone in their lives to validate them
i think its sad and very unhealthy
it makes me happy to hear someone vocalize her inner strength
i guess alot of guys are that way too, needy i mean
either way its not good

 

Yeah I was more talking about how I used to feel as though I needed to be with someone. After spending the last few years single it's taken me this long to actually appreciate and enjoy it instead of having the desire to fall into my old habits (always being attached to someone). No offense Istar, but I have a hard time understanding your typing...but I think I get one thing you were suggesting which is to try and be with him anyway while asserting my independence. Sounds like a nice idea IF I liked him the right way. If I did, I wouldn't have typed what I typed. I don't have romantic feelings for him AT ALL. Believe me, if I did I wouldn't be having this dilemma and I'd just date the guy. But I can't. I have affection for him as a friend, someone I've known for a long time. I do have trust in the guy too, he's a trustworthy person. He's a good listener, but he's not a good talker. He doesn't form much of his own opinions and he doesn't have much intellectual curiosity or creativity.

I was also trying to communicate that I pretty much have to be stimulated and challenged intellectually by a romantic partner or even a casual fuckbuddy if I'm to stay interested. I'm just wired that way. This guy is certainly a good guy, but he bores me to death after too long. When I was younger and had a crush on him then, I didn't know him as well as I do now. I overlooked the things about him that now, in hindsight, I couldn't deal with in a partner, even just a sex partner. Also I hate having to always be the one leading our activities together. You'd think it would be nice to always pick what we do together, but it's not. I want someone who can make a decision and has a definite opinion on stuff!!!

My point about the sex is that I'd just much rather not have any if I can't find a partner who's interesting and creative about our play. I pretty much want a total brainiac who's creative enough to come up with fun stories w/ me for us to play to. That's pretty specific, but I don't feel like I'm missing out by abstaining from "normal sex". My imagination is fertile on its own and I will play alone until someone compatible for me is in my life. Sure that could be a long time from now, but I LOVE BEING SINGLE now. And I fully plan to grow as a human being and enjoy it. Remember, I spent 8 years of a crucial development part of most people's lives being in one steady relationship after another. Now I've been single for 3 years and spent a good year and a half of that time missing my ex and wanting him back. Now that I've FINALLY been over my ex for awhile, and over the notion that a relationship will complete me (only I can complete me in the end) I'm ready to really work on my life and future - alone for awhile. Sounds selfish, and it is, but it's the healthy kind of selfish. As far as companionship goes I have some great friends and family, and I feel content with the emotional and intellectual intimacy I share with those people, so I really don't feel any void whatsoever from choosing to be single.

Also, I've changed a great deal. I used to be too clingy (in my opinion) requiring almost constant physical affection from my sig. others over the years. Now I feel like a new person, and something that's changed about me is that I simply don't enjoy as much physical affection. I feel like my personal space is invaded if there's too much. I like cuddling, I enjoy it, but only for so long. I wish our society was more into the idea of platonic cuddling that doesn't lead to sex, if you ask me. Cuddling is very comforting and nice. But it seems like if you cuddle with someone they just feel like kissing, then sex, is the natural progression. If I'm not interested in the person romantically I usually don't want sex with them. Usually. (I have been known to make exceptions).

MissBHave - thanks for cheering me on. It is very empowering to feel this way for the first time in my adult life. It's nice to know I can create a fulfilling life for myself with no help from a man. I feel like also, should I be ready for a mate later on, I'll be a more complete person myself and therefore will better contribute to a working, adult relationship. My relationships before consisted of two people who were immature and didn't know what they wanted. After allowing myself to grow and develop, I can possibly look forward to a possible relationship later that involves two mature people who DO know what they want.

 

Another level to all this (and the reason I feel guilt in the first place) is that mutual friends of ours have been watching too many movies a la "How Harry Met Sally" and think we'd be such a great couple. But real life isn't the movies. People change over the years, and I've changed a LOT. He really hasn't changed much at all, although he is more docile than he used to be. *yawn* But I still get the pressure a bit from outside people being like, "you guys would be cute together," and "he's so nice," etc. ugh. Friends should never get in a friend's business about relationships, period.