I am a very confused person, I just don't know if I am gay. I would like to ask about repression / denial - I've always thought of myself as a no nonesense person, and can't get my head around this, Anyway here goes the facts..... I had a bad experience when I was young with a much older guy - ie abused. I had a few fumbled gay experiences when I was in my late teens. I got married, and it lasted for just over twenty years, I had psychological sexual issues I could not identify. I often cross dress - and as such I have had a few gay encounters - never as a man. In my childhood if I had been identified as gay I would have been ridiculed, and have had the shit kicked out of me, and I am ashamed to admit that I did not do anything, if I had intervened I would have been a victim too. The adults were not much better either, even some of the teachers --- well that was ages ago in a small town. I have absolutely no problem identifying myself as openly trans, there is no sense of shame in it at all, everyone significant to me knows, I go out often, but I'm not transsexual. I do have gay fantasies, usually of being forced against my will, I find the idea exciting. Yet - I very rarely find a man attractive, can't imagine ever living with a man, I can have sex, but I can't hold hands. I have been to a shrink, the verdict seems to be that I am repressing my gay nature because of my childhood, the trans persona is how my subconcious desires have been expressed --- and that does sound like a good theory, I have to admit. Yet - I still can't see myself as gay, still feel an attraction for women, still want another marriage etc. I don't understand, there is a load of stuff about the difference between gender identity, and sexual identity, and frankly it's confusing. Can denial go this deep? Has anyone else ever experienced a similar life crisis? My shrink suggests I will only be happy if I accept I'm gay, be the man I am, and find love instead of casual sex with a male partner. I find myself resisting this, looking into myself, and I don't understand.
Well, for me the hardest thing I have ever done was admiting to myself that I am Bisexual. It was even hard to say out loud the first time, even though i was alone. I'm attracted to a guy in one of my classes right now, but I'm afraid. I not out to everybody, and even some of the people I am out to. i'm scared of my roommates reaction to me bringing a guy back to my house. Even the guy whose dad is gay and is completely cool with gay people. Its irrational, but thats how much I fear it. But I've come to realize, that I'm only hurting myself and holding myself back. I need a more 'fuck you' attitude towards what other people think about me, and what I think people might think about me. Also, it took me a while to come around to the idea of romantic love with a man. I had to be open to the idea of it before I thought I might like it. hope this helps...
