confused, but not about orientation

Hi, all! I'm 18 and I sort of had a boyfriend who I met online after chatting for around a year. We met and everything, had fun, had my first sexual experience. He lives pretty far away, so I've only seen him 3 times. The last time I saw him though, I felt almost completely detached from him, i don't know why. I just felt like we weren't having fun together, he just wasn't giving me what I wanted emotionally. I haven't really spoken to him since the last visit. I've told two of my friends (both female) about my gay experiences. I'm going to tell the least amount of people as humanly possible, because I just can't handle everyone knowing, I'd have a panic attack. Since the last visit, I've sort of avoided relationships all together, and I've been using the substances to trick my brain into thinking I have what I want. But now I'm starting to feel the same way I did when I first started looking for a relationship with a guy. I just feel like I need someone who I can talk to without hiding anything, who genuinely will love just being around me without being motivated by sex(sometimes thats okay though ), someone who'll hold me, someone that gives me warmth and comfort, and makes me feel like everythings going to be just fine. The problem is that I'm way too shy to make an advance on anyone even when my mind has been altered in some way or another. Has anyone else been through this sort of insecurity? How did you handle it? This is something that has been deep seated in my mind for a while, and i just had to express it somehow. Sorry if this sounds kinda emotional, amphetamine comedown. Any thoughts/responses/advice/empathy are very much appreciated(except for drug addiction lectures). Thanks!!

 

I guess i won't do the drugs lecture (or someone would have to do the same for me with alcohol).
I can't say i have the same story, but i can still telll you what my starts were.
Came out (to myself and friends) around 15. 1st sex experience 16 or 17, 1st kiss 18 (yep, sounds puzling but really happened this way... 1st times ain't always what you want it to be... though prett cool actually... anyway).
I was, and i'm still a shy guy. I see plenty of people, go out, but for couple things, relationships, i just suck. I expect way too much of the person. When i was your age, i kept fantasizing on straight freshmen, knowing nothing would happen, but expecting conversations, good times together, and yeah, some sex in a lower measure. That's the time of your life when you don't want to be a slut and look for the perfect guy who's not a slut either. Well, good luck with that. I had my 100% non sexual activity time like that during like 3 years for those reasons. Do you realise what it's like, 3 years?! (well, i was always moving and into my studies quite hard, if that's any excuse).
Last year though, i finally realised that living like that was not worth it. I went to a bar, cool place. I had no expectations, i just sit in the corner, drinkin' a few beers, but then, hey, some hook-ups with random guys, random sex. That's not what i'm into. I've been there 3 times, did great things, but i won't go there anymore i guess. Backroom sex was the same effect for me as drugs for you. For a while, that helped me believe i had something.

My way to handle it is to live as a person, not as a gay man. Okay, i'm single, then what? I have plenty of mates, girls, even guys, almost all of them are straight and it's just fine. If i want a hook-up, i go cruising, and if i want a boyfriend, i keep looking for an opportunity...

 

Thanks for your input. I'm just glad that someone read my post and can relate. It makes me feel good to know that there are other people that feel the same way I do. Three years without sexual attention sounds rough, but I can understand where you're coming from. I want to have sex with someone who'll be there next to me when I wake up, yunno? On the other hand, it would be fun to just have a fun night with a guy at a bar, but you can't really do that all the time because you'll still be lonely. I want someone who'll, upon sight, will make my heart drop into my stomache, always be around to give me a hug and tell me it'll be alright. I don't know, I usually feel like I don't need a relationship, but now I feel as though I can't move forward, like I'm stuck right here. But I have a feeling that if I want it badly, I'll find a way to get it, or someday it'll come my way. Anyway, thanks for reply!