Confused And Need Support/Advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out and Confused!' started by Lfc21, Jan 28, 2009.

  1. Lfc21

    Lfc21 Member

    Right this is surprisigly difficult for me even with the luxury of anonymity behind a computer screen.

    I'm a 21 year old male and confused to whether I'm gay or Bi and a seperate issue of coming out/accepting my sexuality.

    When I was 13 myself and a male friend experimented and continued to have full gay sex for just over a year. We never kissed and it was never particually intimate so to speak, if that makes sense. :confused:

    This was my only sexual experience, before this I'd always fancied and had feelings for girls and I still do, I like watching both gay and straight porn and even lesbian porn. I predominately find woman attractive but find myself emotionally attracted to men and not so much physically, you could say I prefer the look of a woman and the touch of a man. I have told one of my close male friends about this, which he took very well and made me feel easy about it and didn't judge me. I haven't told my parents, partly down to the fact that my dad is homophobic but I'm pretty sure they know about my sexuality.

    I have a pretty low self-esteem partly due to been bullied at school constantly for years. I just don't have the confidence to attempt to meet/have sex with a woman or other gay men.

    I'm sorry if this post isn't very well constructed but any advice/opinions would be gratefully recieved.

    Thanks for having the time to read.:D
     
  2. meridianwest

    meridianwest Senior Member

    well as far as sexuality goes --- if u are turned on by both men and women u're bisexual. i wouldn't worry too much about labeling it if i were u. sexuality is one of the most natural things in the world, just go with what feels right.

    coming out is something u should do only if u're comfortable with it. telling friends is one thing, telling your parents another. if u depend on your parents for food and home i would think twice about it. and what makes u think they know?

    low self-esteem... my advice would be to start thinking about things u like about yourself. personality traits, maybe things you like to do, etc.... and just gradually develop more confidence and start appreciating yourself. you're not going to get out of this shell overnight but it will happen one step at a time as you go.
     
  3. Lfc21

    Lfc21 Member

    Well firstly cheers for the reply, I can only talk about my sexuality with my friend to a certain point and had nowhere else to turn to tbh.

    The reason I suspect that my parents know about my sexuality, is just the odd little comment/hint I get from them. I think my mum would be pretty accepting of it if I told her but my dad is pretty homophobic and a christian to boot, he also has some really ignorant views and I don't think he'd would be so understanding.

    I've had some really bad thoughts in the past that I'd rather be dead than gay and to a point feel ashamed of myself and unable to accept or know who I really I am.

    I'm not really feminine and more like your 'typical straight man' likes football, drinking and socialising ect. Although the last year of so I've been reasonably isolated and go out very rarely.

    I live quite near the gay capital of europe(Brighton) so getting to a gay club ect wouldn't be too difficult, would it be a good idea to go to a gay club one night? I'm not sure I'd like a one night stand, I'd prefer to get to know someone, but this is hard due to me not fully knowing my sexuality.

    Cheers for having the time to read, any more advice would be very helpfull :cool:
     
  4. meridianwest

    meridianwest Senior Member

    it can't hurt, going to a gay bar. i mean u never have to do anything you don't want to do. it can help u socialize, and just meet new people. i think it would do good to communicate and try to connect with other gay guys, u never know. u can check it out, if u don't like it u can always leave.

    well parents can make any kinds of comments... also they may be suspecting but until they walk in on you with another guy there's always a way out for them to convince themselves u are not gay. i don't know what they are like. chances are, that if they are able to joke about being gay (and laugh about it) they can't be the most homophobic people on this planet though.

    u said in the past u had thoughts about rather being dead than gay. i hope u don't think like that anymore. the society we live in is if far from perfect and there are a lot of really stupid people out there who think they're some kind of moral police for the rest of us. but there are also a lot of cool open-minded people who understand and don't judge. in any case --- it's not worth to die for. u just have to learn not to take those muckheads seriously man.

    =)
     
  5. Lfc21

    Lfc21 Member

    It's hard to explain, I've had very depressive thoughts about it in the past. I'm not really bothered what people think it's just it feels like I'd lose something about myself if I come out, if this makes sense? :confused:

    It's almost like I'm afraid of happiness?

    Any tips for my possible first trip to a gay club? I sound really niave here I know.
     
  6. meridianwest

    meridianwest Senior Member

    hmmm....lose how? as in lose something private about yourself by revealing your sexuality? losing the ambiguity?

    about happiness...i don't know. do you think that if you found a guy you'd want to be with you'd ruin it or something?

    ah, but i haven't been to a gay club myself yet. you'll likely get there before me. so, you're the one that'll be giving tips here=)
     
  7. Lfc21

    Lfc21 Member

    Yeah in a way, like it's I'm losing my own deluded indentidy and how I have portrayed myself. I've gone years since my first gay experiences in denial of the truth of who I really am.

    The second point I should've phrased better. I'm afraid of being happy, pretty much just comes down to self pity and comes down to the low self esteem I suffer from.

    I'm just finding it really hard to come to terms with my sexuality. I can only see myself in a relationship with a man, I've never really felt any chemistry between myself and a woman, but find woman very attractive even more so than men. I'm just so confused and have been for the last few years. I also don't have the confidence to go and find out my true feelings/sexual preference. :(
     
  8. meridianwest

    meridianwest Senior Member

    yeah i can understand that. it can feel a lot like all those years spent in denial are being thrown away now, like it was all a waste. but to me, it would be greatly worse to live a life of lie. i just couldn't do that. because, you can spend years in blissful denial but it will eventually catch up with you no matter what you do. and it's better to deal with things like this when you're young. waking up at 40 to realize you've actually been gay all your life is worse than having a hard time accepting it at 20.

    well, all i know to say is to cope with it a day at a time. you're a human being like any other. just be honest with yourself. we all have our positive and negative traits. accept that what u can't change about yourself and change the things u want to be different.
     
  9. Being gay/bi and coming out as such won't change who you are. It doesn't define you, make you less of a man, or any of that other bullshit. Just keep being you and do what makes you happy. If you're not ready to come out yet, then don't. Some people are never ready to come out to their parents. And that's okay. I mean, even if you are straight, it's still none of their business who you fuck.
     
  10. Lfc21

    Lfc21 Member

    Cheers for advice guys it's really appreciated. It's got to the time that I really need to do something, but in a way this might sound very ignorant but I dislike the gay culture it seems very sex orientated to me. Please stop me if I'm wrong and give me any tips for meeting any like minded individuals like myself.
     
  11. TheWhoRocks

    TheWhoRocks Member

    dude...
    you are very young.
    you don't need to fly through life.
    enjoy every sandwich like it's your last.

    be comfortable with who you are what ever that might be
    and don't worry about what others think.

    you are right about not wanting to jump in bed with every dick you meet.
    or every woman you meet. you will find that like minded person.
    just take it easy, enjoy the company of others, learn as much as you can along the way
    and you will find that special person.

    most importantly have fun... enjoy life.
    everything happens for a reason. you will most certainly find your way.
    even with your dad. when the time comes that you can talk man to man with him, you might be surprised on how well he takes it. if he takes it badly then that is on him, not you.

    i can tell from your writings that you are a smart intelligent person.
    You just need to be comfortable in your own skin.

    Btw… I am a heterosexual male … 30 years older than you… I’ve experienced marriage,
    Kids, divorce (after 25yrs of marriage), etc … now, I’m just enjoying life, doing what I want and enjoying ever minute. I am having the time of my life.

    You are young …. You have many many great years ahead of you.
    You well be fine… you’ll see.

    Good luck to you,
    Peace
     
  12. Lfc21

    Lfc21 Member


    Thing is I'm 21 but feel alot older, from the age of 14-15 I've always socialized with people that were like 20-25. I feel like I need to sort my issues out now and get on and enjoy my life, no matter who I might be.

    Update:

    I told another one of my best mates the other night about my sexuality and he took it very well, it was his 21st birthday funnily enough. It felt good to tell someone else and get it off my chest. I'm seriously considering heading down to a gay club/pub but I'm pretty nervous at the thought. Has anyone got any tips on how to meet other gay people?
     

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