Confrontation - Help or hinder?

Okay,

SO here's the million dollar question. I have a LOVELY friend, but really he's more of a friend of a friend so we're not super close. Anyway, he is EXTREMELY camp. When you introduce people to him you have to explain to them that he's either just VERY camp and hetero or screaming to get out the closet.

He comes from a relatively religious family and I imagine coming out for him may be somewhat traumatic. BUT yet, he does things which are OBVIOUSLY either him playing up on the fact that he knows everyone thinks he's gay (which he's denied being to a close family member) or he's just simply "crying for help".

I'm straight and female and my question is this. If I know or feel I know he's gay. Should I confront him? Or should I leave well alone?

I knew a lesbian once who said that when she came out to her family and her mother said she knew all along she felt betrayed somewhat in that she had been going through the difficult process of coming out and if her mother had come and asked he sympatheticaally it would have been easier for her.

Also a gay friend of mine only came out because someone asked him and he's been eternally grateful.

I doubt I'll listen to your advice (hah hah) but a hearty debate would help me decide what the "right" thing to do would be.

The consequences are as such if I do ask:
If he's Gay he'll either deny it or admit it.
If he denies it end of story.
If he admits it maybe he'll feel relieved but then maybe he'll feel pressure to come out to his family?

If he's straight he'll just get offended at worse or find it humourous that yet another person thinks he's gay. (no one has asked him straight out except the family member.)

Strange thing is, the gay friend I mentioned earleir, came out at Uni and before he came out he said because he was so paranoid he would act SUPER macho homophobic if he thought anyone suspected he was gay.

Whereas this guy who has denied being gay (to the family member) seemingly does everything in his capability to act as camp as possible.

I hope you're not on here and if you are please know I just want you to be happy!

Sorry for the essay and thanks in advance.

SO opinions on whether I should confront or not confront?

 

ok well camp may not make him gay, the best thing you can do is if the subject comes up on tv or between the two of you of being gay, make it very clear that you don't have a problem with it, so if he does come out at some point, he'll know he'll have your support, beyond that to be blunt his sexuality is nothing to do with you
S

 

Indeed, it doesn't and having known this guy for maybe five or six years this is the first time I have ever considered approaching him. Because he's sending me texts. Which are kind of humourous but also SCREAM campness. Which I'm sure is on purpose. He knows I'm totally cool with it becasue he's met that other gay guy I mentioned and knows we're really close. Which is why I keep feeling like he might be trying to tell me something. I was considering responding with a "are you trying to tell me something? if so all good" type text in response.

As for your blunt BS. I'm not a do goody nosey neighbour type and I'm not searching for some project. So please get over yourself and have a little prerequisite respect before judging someone's intentions. I'm one of those people who generally doesn't feel sex or sexuality is a topic of discussion. But societal issues make it so. And if I'm getting these texts I thought I'd try and see what other gay people think as it's obviously a potentially traumatic time. And I know camp doesn't make someone gay. Wan ting to have sex witrh men makes someone gay (if they're male) and there is obviously a degree of circumstantial evidence to suggest this could be the case.

If someone is trying to "reach out" whatever the case may be I imagine that some part of a human would be moved into thinking maybe they should try and reach back.

 

I was not disrespectful in my advice to you, just very honest, please don't ask for advice on these forums if you only wish to hear certain responses from people
S

 

I fully agree with Samhain. If you do ask him outright, then make sure to say that you're completely fine with it.

A little story about me. All quotes are not verbatim. About two years ago I purchased a couple of tickets to a beer festival. I invited my best friend along and gave him one of the tickets. My mother asked, "so is he paying you back for his ticket?" I told her, "no, I invited him had no intention of asking him to pay for his ticket." And then she bluntly asked me in a scowling voice, "are you gay?!" "No.", I said... Blah blah blah.

Anyway, I was scared shitless what she would think if she knew the real me. I guess that is still why I haven't told her and probably won't until I have my own place (I'm working on it). All and all it was just another brick in the Wall.

Story 2. One of my co-workers (seemingly out of the blue) asked me if I was gay and reassured me that she was completely okay with it. I still lied to her and told her "no." A few years passed and we were joking around and I said "Hey, I betcha I could deepthroat this bottle" (I work in a Liquor Store). She chuckled and then the question came up a second time. The first time I lied because I wasn't really comfortable about being open with my sexuality. The second time she asked I had already told a few others and was becoming more open about it. So I told her the truth and it wasn't very hard.

Judging from your situation it looks like you've already established the fact that you're okay with it from your other close gay friend. I don't think it would hurt to reiterate it though. He still say he's straight. He may very well just be a very camp straight guy or he may not be ready inside to start openly admitting it but may be more open about it when he feels ready inside. That has been my experience at least.

You said he has a very religious family. It might be a good idea to let him know that you will keep his secret private. My mom has a friend who I've also known all my life. She seems like a very good open person and someone I would normally be comfortable telling that I'm gay but the problem is that she gossips a lot. My mom and her talk about everything under the sun. If I tell her something then I invariably hear about it from my mom.

So yeah... Letting him know that you're okay with him whichever team he plays for and that you'll keep it between the two of you should help a lot. Even if he is still not comfortable telling you then at least you've layed the groundwork so that when he does start becoming more comfortable about it then he knows that you're someone who'll accept him. Of course that's assuming he's gay. He could very likely be straight, and good for him for not trying to conform to the macho-straight-guy stereotype. It's good to see people just be themselves.

I also think it is easier to come out if someone bluntly asks you rather than trying to tell someone. There's always the awkward moment where you say something like "Can I talk to you about something, it's important." Maybe it's some subconcious thing in the mind but it seems to me that if they ask then they're probably ready to hear the answer and it won't be so shocking to them.

Oh, and would I be offended if someone I told already kind of figured I was gay? No. That's just me though because about a year or so I thought about my life. I thought about it from someone else's perspective and I realized that never having a girlfriend or even any remote interest in women was kind of a red flag. The family reunions every two years with the same question. "Do you have a girlfriend?" The same answer, "no." Some people have asked me, "when are you going to get a girlfriend?" to which I replied, "I dunno, I'm just not ready right now." All red flags. I can't forget the time when a wonderful, beatiful girl at school told me she like me. I told her that I just wasn't ready for a relationship. Nah, that wasn't gay at all I thought at the time. I laugh now because I realize that it is probably obvious to most people that I'm gay and when I tell them I am, I wouldn't be surprised if they said they already knew.
My best friend figured I was by these same reasons. He and I both suspect that my mother thinks we're both gay and in a relationship. He told me he doesn't care what other's think, that we are friends and nothing will change that.

Anyways, sorry to drag on and on. I actually only intended this post to be a few short paragraphs but then I thought about my experiences and it started to unravel into something that I hope is not to cumbersome to read.

I hope this helps.

 

Sorry if I bit your head off and rode my high horse there for a bit. I know sexuality is personal and as stated earlier, the ONLY reason it feels like it MAY be my business is because I feel he might be trying to make it so.

 

Thanks for your response. I think I'll leave it with a big ol' "i'm fine with it and am the type of person who would take a secret to the grave" signal/comments and leave it at that. If he is trying to tell me, then I'm sure a few such declarations would be the tipping point he needs.

 

apology accepted and your right if he is hinting to you then he is trying to make it your business, just be careful you are reading the signals right, so it doesn't create an uncomfortable situation between the two of you
S

 

So, redpoppy, how this this situation work out?
Is he gay?
Is he still talking to you?

 

Not to be mean or anything, but I understand why you made a thread. I suggest you NOT ask him. People go through phases, just remember that. Eventually he'll probably scream for help because he's tired of living a lie; pretending he's straight when he obviously isn't. And on the other hand, religious families raise children in a different environment. Imagine growing up not having your opinion on anything because GOD SAID THIS, GOD SAID THAT, CONFESS YOUR SINS EVERY SUNDAY, blah blah. So he probably comes off gay because maybe he didn't have much of a father figure? It's just not something for you to stick your nose in. Especially how you mentioned you both aren't that close. Just let him find himself? You don't need to draw him a map because he should know what he wants.

 

And if you found my post above offensive, I really don't know why you ask for opinions. Don't expect us to sugar coat what we have to say.

I'm just saying. I only mean that if you did take it offensively.

 

Yeah, well I got mixed feelings on asking folks. At different times, people have asked in an OK way or circumstance and I told them I was gay. Other folks have asked and managed to piss me off in the way they asked, my response has been less cordial. As a counselor I have asked people and usually gotten a great response. People have often said they were glad I asked because they wanted to talk about issues but were too afraid to bring it up. The relationship with the person you're asking and the way you ask makes all the difference in the wor.ld

 

I've let it go. i figure just being around and being nice will have to do. I actually figured that it really shoudl be his move considering teh amount of repurcussions that could potentially arise due to his religious background.

thanks for teh input people.