cheating

Hi, Ive been with my partner for 10 years in a monogamous relationship. He recently dropped a massive bomb shell on me when he told me not only that he has cheated by having casual anonymous sex with 3 different people over a 2 week period but that he has contracted syphilis!!! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I thought I would awaken from a nightmare at any moment.
So I had to go have various tests done and also have shots for syphilis just in case.
He has admitted that he fucked up and is deeply remorseful however I have no idea how to move forward. If he had told me immediately after he cheated so that I could make decisions about whether I wanted to have sex again or about taking precautions I would have had a lot more respect for his honesty but he didn't. Instead he kept it secret for 3 months and continued having "unprotected" sex with me! I told him from the very beginning that if he slips up its ok but he must tell me. I feel that the only reason he told me is because he had to because of the syphilis.
I haven't left as I only found out 2 days ago. I have decided to stay for the time being but to not have sex. We are seeking counselling also. He has said that he doesn't want it to end and I don't either. I love him very much but I have no idea how I will ever trust him or anyone for that matter ever again. Im kind of numb at the moment like when someone dies and you feel like you should feel something but you don't. Maybe I'm in shock. Im glad that it wasn't an actual affair with emotional involvement but even still I feel deeply betrayed. What if he had contracted HIV!! This is all so fucked and I feel so naive.

 

Never go raw again. If it was me I would stay but start cheating till I found someone else to be with then ide dip

 

I've been in a fairly steady relationship with someone for going on 6 years. But we've both had our flings but he was more successful. Though they were shots at hetereosexuality since we are young and want experience I still couldn't help but feel jealousy. Well we split up a couple times for short periods like a month maybe two and it gave me time to reflect on how much I care about us and get him back. Lately things feel better than ever. Hopefully you can get through without splitting up, but only time can reveal your true feelings.

 

But did you tell each other about the flings? Its not the infidelity Im worried about its the dishonesty. Its just so selfish, I cant believe that he would put me at risk in this way.

 

Not helpful

 

That's horrible, what nightmares are made of! I used to tell my partner, "I CAN'T AFFORD IT (getting sick)..." And HIV is not the only disease to ruin your life.

 

Exactly.

 

did you ask him if he only told you because he contracted an STD?

 

Yes I did and he basically said yes but he was going to tell me at some stage. This is the hardest part for me to cope with.

 

yeah it would be for me too. especially since you had told him in the beginning of the relationship that you would understand a slip but you just wanted him to be honest with you. and still he wasn't. this is the twisted part of it. and honestly, i don't know how you can ever trust someone like that not to go behind your back in hopes of never getting caught again. the fact that he admits he fucked up doesn't translate into him never pulling this shit again in the future. and him having sex without a condom is just moronic, not to mention completely uncaring of what happens to you.

i know guys like this guy, (never had a 1st hand experience like this though, so i'm not talking from experience), and a lot of them are not capable of being faithful, and most of them are flat out insincere about their cheating. they will look plain in the eye of their partner and lie about it. when the partner finds out they act all remorseful (and for all intents and purposes they are) and feeling sorry, but they are highly unlikely to change their behavior and will continue to lie about it. i don't know if your partner is like that, you're the one to assess him from that angle. if this thing continues though, mainly if LYING continues like this, i would say he's not worth the trouble. but it's your relationship, and you have to make your own decisions.

maybe give him another chance this time, but if it happens again, don't let yourself be led on by situational honesty.

 

bukulu, i am kind of a hardass about things like this, but i'll give you my two cents anyway...

something like you describe is the same thing to me as someone pointing a pistol at me, not knowing if it's loaded, and pulling the trigger. for that matter, if they knew it was unloaded...gone. done...i'd shove it up their rear....or smoking next to an open gas can in the summer. i have never seen pussy that was so great i'd die for it. i cannot imagine a woman seeing dick so great she would die for it. just does not compute.

 

If your post didn't include the word "maybe," the tone of my reply would be different. At this point in my life I wouldn't be generous, especially after finding out that he contracted syphilis. Disease is a very serious reality. It's costly on many levels. A future with a guy like that could only mean more trouble; however, I've met a man who really atoned for his mistake, and the mistake was not about disease, but about relationship. Ten years seem to be the magic number because his atonement lasted that long, and it was a very tough one. Bukulu's ten year relationship is nothing to sneeze at, and that would be the reason why there might be room in my heart to forgive a guy like that cad in a very distant future, but the lover status would definitely be over. Thing is, it only takes one slip to ex your existence. I value my life, first and foremost.

 

I feel this way too, that cheating is a deception, not a sex act.

It really struck me that you said you thought he only told you b/c of the syph

I'm not one to give relationship advice cuz mine is a hot mess, but when you don't trust someone... it can be hard to even be around them, much less be close to them.

If you want to stay together, I hope you feel good about it, if not... run like the wind...

 

Its fucken unforgivable! How dare he! u need to get the hell out of there this man does not care about you. What if this had been hiv! I personally feel u would be fool for staying, ur health he put ur health in jeopardy. Your man is supposed to love u and make u feel good not get u sick. How long would this have gone on if he didn't have an std?

 

Yes we did mention the flings, we we both agreed that sex and relationships with women just wasn't any fun for us. I just like him so much that no-one else compares.

 

Hi all, thanks for your responses. Some of you will no doubt think Im crazy when I tell you that I'm staying. Although Im heartbroken I don't feel any anger. I actually feel sorry for him which is weird as Im the one who is supposed to be hurt. If he fucks it all up and throws everything away he is really only hurting himself. I'll be leaving with a clear conscience.
I'm giving him another chance as I love him so much. We have been best friends for 10 years, we own a house together, I cant just up and leave. If i made a horrible selfish mistake I would hope to be given a second chance. I think everyone deserves a second chance. However I have made it clear that their will be no sex for at least 3 months till I see his test results and even then there will be no unprotected ever again.
So we are basically living together as friends. Only time will tell if this will work. I have made it clear that he only gets one chance as far as being deceptive goes. If he had sex again and told me upfront we would need to renegotiate but if he lied to me again that would be it.
We are also going to counselling together and he is going separately.
I kind of have faith that we can make it work but Im scared at the same time. I think I need to get some money together just in case.

 

hope this works out for you, bukulu.

i have always told friends-of either sex or whatever-to have some money put away the other person doesn't know about. best of luck.

 

Bukulu, I wish you and your partner well.

 

Not helpfull

 

Horrible? Selfish? Mistake? .....Because he played with someone elses genitals?

So to discipline him for having sex with others the thing to do is cut him out from having sex with you

You should never, ever, ever have unprotected when doing high risk stuff with anyone, no matter who it is. You remember sex ed, and the adds on TV, it only takes one slip with someone else thats been with hundreds and you are basically exposed to all of them. Such a risk for what? Cos either of you are having trouble with condoms, then just dont do it, use toys or find some other replacement. Unprotected EVER is just friggin stupid


Lastly, how does he, or we know you have never cheated on him? Can you 100% prove this, no of course not. You're carrying on like this whilst the whole time he's thinking "Well he's probably cheated on me, just wasnt silly enough to catch anything". What you say how you act doesnt get interpreted by him the way you think it does.

You've been best friends for 10 years, own a house together, may even be each others soulmate......and you are ready to throw that all away because he fiddled with someone elses genitals??? Just because the majority may react the same way and tell you to dump him, doesnt mean its right, doesnt mean its not selfish, doesnt mean its not childish, certainly doesnt mean its the smart thing to do.



Postscript: My story; my other half is a rabbit, been together 6 years now,couldnt get him to stick to just me if I wanted too, he'd probably end up humping the furniture. And I always thought that jealousy thing was stupid anyway, no good ever comes from it, especially just over sex.

I have never done unprotected with anyone, again always thought it was stupid, such a risk for what? Because you may have a bit of trouble getting a condom on? Admittedly a bit easier for me as never been into the anal thing anyway.

Whether its with us or the heteros, if sex / monogamy is the main binding force, without it the relationship ends. Then there is something wrong, it should be friends / the connection first. Again, just because the majority may do it one way, doesnt make it smart