Cheating.... Can a person love you even though ..

He admitted to cheating ... so he says he loves me and wants to be with me and not her ..

Everything was so perfect,so I dont get it.

Do I trust his words or is he giving himself "wiggle" room in case something doesnt work out ?

... still healing.

 

You're virtually asking if everybody cheats for the same reason...

If he's still cheating after after admitting to cheating, then I suspect he is looking for "dirty sex" and nothing more when he strays.. And sure enough, I'd believe him when he says he loves you..

There's the "grass is always greener" syndrome.. And he may feel the need to try to spice up HIS OWN sex life, and no matter what you try between you, it won't satisfy his need to test his own virility..

.....

I would allow him to be as open about his confession as you both can handle.. Your answers are there.. Ask him all those indirect questions that let him talk about what made/makes him do it.. Often, but not always, the more words and better explanation you have, the more you will understand and believe..

 

He admited, that is a big thing, he is honest with you. I think that he really loves you, if he doesn't he woulden't told you about the cheating and he would continued the relationship.
Give him a chanse, but at this point try to control your feelings.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

 

Of course he can still love you if he fucked someone else
Love isn't inherently limited to one and only one person
Nor does loving someone mean you can't hurt them. Hell, it gives you better weapons to hurt them with.

Whether or not you should trust him again is up to you really. I have no patience for cheaters, but I've never actually been cheated on, so that's purel theoretical to me.

 

This is my first post

Well, look, the honesty thing doesn't really matter, he CHEATED on you. The fact that he admitted it, does not exonerate him from the cheating, of course (just wanted to make that clear). Secondly, think about this, if he REALLY loved you, would he have cheated on you? I mean, if i really love a girl, and i'm completely crazy about her, i wouldn't need another woman, especially sex with another woman.
Everybody makes mistakes, just don't let him take you for granted, but i'll have to agree with L.A.Matthews.

 

Well, I've wanted to fuck other guys while I was steady with someone. I did not do it though, because I do have zero tolerance for cheating.

Why is everyone blaming the guy for his "virility" or his shitty way of "loving"? What made YOU let go of him for some reason? Was your sex life that boring? Did you refuse him sex many times? Sure, you have every right to. But if someone (in this case, him) is not getting satisfied, I would think it's logical and even justifiable in some cases that he screw someone else.

I'm really sorry to hear of this and it's heartbreaking. I've been in your position however he was not man enough to admit to it (he just lashed out violently). It was very bizarre behaviour, until I found out something wasn't right. Even then.. there's that forgiveness part where you think you can do it and things between the both of you will be the same again. It never was. I guess that was my learning curve before I got to "zero tolerance". Even so I think in some situations, forgiveness and continuation of a relationship can happen. In my case, he was just as, if not more screwed up after it happened and he couldn't let go of it. The violent behaviour got worse until one day I just never saw him again. There in the afternoon, gone in the evening. It took me a LONG LONG time to heal with no answers, or no note. We hadn't been together for more than a year so there wasn't much "life" invested in it, if one could measure that by time but I've carried the experience ever since, particularly since I was younger and more innocent at the time. That was a weird time in my life. Anyway, enough about that.

However to answer your question - can a person love you even if they cheat on you... Looking back, I don't really have anything to say. I know I didn't do anything wrong and I was always there for him. Yet I may have lacked in some things I was not aware of. He never told me. I don't have any more anger or hurt but his memory and what happened comes back sometimes, and there were MANY times where I replayed what happened in my mind, trying to search for answers, after it happened (not so much now.. it's been years since and I've dated two other men since then). Though it comes to the point where you just have to smile at the end of the day and take their word for it. If they ever said they loved you, what is the point of refuting it? You can either forgive or not, separate or stay together.

Hang in there, and try talking to good friends and family if they're there. If you're not ready to talk about it, don't. Take it easy. It WILL get better.

 

Maybe but not necessarily. That's part of the cycle for some cheaters -- that whole sin, confession, penance, sin again thing. Not to mention the fact that, if he knows he can get away with it by just confessing and acting contrite for a week or two, that's a green light to do it again. On the other hand, there are a rare few who really are sorry and never do it again. Only you know enough of the details to decide how you feel about this.

As I've said in other posts, cheating has NOTHING to do with sex. Cheating is all about betrayal, destruction of trust, lies, etc. Having sex with another woman only counts as cheating because he agreed to be in a monogamous relationship with you. If he wants to have sex with other people, he needs to find someone willing to be in an open relationship so that he can have all the sex he wants without it being cheating (as long as he stays within whatever boundaries he and his partner agree on, such as always use a condom).

With that said, I don't believe that any cheater really truly loves the person they cheat on. Yes, loving someone doesn't mean you can't hurt them... But loving someone means you want to do everything you can to avoid hurting them. And cheating is something that causes a lot of pain but is easy to avoid doing to another person.

 

Because the cheating was 110% his fault. If he was not happy, if he was not satisfied, if the OP was doing anything that upset him (such as repeatedly turning down sex), then it was HIS responsibiltiy to SAY SOMETHING. Talk to her. Talk through the problem. If they can't find a solution, he should have either broken up with her or asked for an open relationship (and if she turned that down, break up).

There is absolutely positively no excuse for cheating, no matter what the cheated upon did. If you're not satisfied in the relationship, work on it or get out of it, but at least have the basic decency to wait until AFTER the break up before doing anything outside of the agreed upon terms of the relationship.

 

I like your post. But this "easy" part is a little naive. Sometimes it's not so easy. Sometimes nothing gets through to your partner like hurtful information. NO, I'm not condoning it. But what I mean is that there are three sides to every coin. Please don't assume anything is easy. I can even accept that it's easier to cheat - when one is trapped in an unfulfilling marriage with children, and a slew of other scenarios.

 

What agreed terms? Yours? Not everyone is explicit with their partners. And see above ^ ; life is not as cut and dry as you think. I do agree with you however that he should have spoken up. She can't read his mind. YET, you are assuming that she would listen. Some don't. I know I have overlooked things in the past or taken things forgranted along the way.

 

The quick answer is; who knows. No one knows what he is thinking or feeling. He may never cheat again or he may already have started back up. Just decide if you want to take the chance. The bad thing is that the relationship is never the same. You won't trust him to do anything and then he will start resenting you for it. So you feel bad you can't let it go. It is possible to get past such things but you have to get at why he did it in the first place. That can only come for him.

 

Given the society we find ourselves in (assuming you also are from a western, predominantly Catholic or Protestant country), if terms are not explicitly discussed, it is safe to assume that your partner expects a strictly monogamous relationship. Like it or not, that is the norm, at least in the US, so if you want other terms you need to be explicit.

I would disagree with your comment in the post above this that it is naive to think it easy to not cheat. It is not so easy to stop oneself from flinging a very hurtful insult, one that only you know will cut the other person to the very core of their being, in the heat of a passionate argument. Cheating, however, is a much lenthier process, making it much easier to catch yourself before you go too far. Maybe in the balance of deciding what to do when trapped in a loveless/unfulfilling marriage with children, cheating is the easier option as opposed to divorce. But that is a conscious, rational decision, calculated as the easier option due to the balancing of the pain it would cause vs. the difficulties both parties would face if they divorced right then. If that partner really loved their spouse (which the whole "trapped" bit implies a lack of), then it is easy to make an equally conscious decision to not put him/herself into a tempting situation.

If the relationship is worth maintaining, the answer is to talk, not to cheat. If the other partner is not willing to listen, then the answer is to break up, not to cheat (unless you are admitting that you no longer care whether you hurt the other person, that you are only staying because economic conditions are trapping you).

I think anyone who has been in a long-term relationship has had some experience of not listening, not being listened too, or taking things for granted. I've been in the position of not being listened to, being taken completely for granted. I talked and talked as long as I could stand it. Did I lower myself to a piece of scum cheater just to get his attention? No, I'm better than that. I left. It's bad enough to be ignored and taken for granted. But at least I walked away with my self-respect in tact.

 

Yes a person can love you and still cheat on you. I think respect would be more of an issue than love. People have varying definitions of love, and within his definition he still loves you, but his definition of love is unlikely to be the same as yours. Since you asked the question I would assume that in your definition of love their is a cheating clause, or "he won't cheat on me if he loves me."

Cheating happens for many reasons, and only the person that cheated can tell you why they did it. The rest of us can guess, but that is about it. As for forgiving him, there is no one that can decide that but you. I will however suggest that if you decide to forgive him the two of you need to talk. Figure out why he cheated and go from there.