Canada Bound!

I'm leaving for Hamilton, ON in the morning. Ten hours in the car! Yay me!

 

I have always liked driving through the outskirts of Hamilton on the expressway en route to Toronto, seeing all the steel factories and all their flaming stacks.

 

You are aware of the fact that Canada doesn't exist, right?

People from Wisconsin just say that they are from Canada because they are ashamed of their state because it reeks of cheese.

 

I know people from northern Mishigan claim they aren't Canadian but they talk just like them (and sit around the bar playing cribbage).

 

OK so I'm back. I made the following observations:

Canadian women are generally rather hot (even the lesbians whom I witnessed getting married this morning). Of course I think hairy legs on women will eventually catch on as a fashion statement. So don't give up.

Canadian recycling programs are amazing, Good for you. 1,2,5,6 on Thursdays!

I appreciate that you don't want to be known as "North Americans" because you find the word "Americans" offensive. That's actually pretty cool. Now go fuck yourselves.

Tim Horton coffee is basically warm water straight out of Lake Erie. Work on that, eh? Double double my ass, try adding double the coffee grounds. I piss stronger coffee. But the fruit explosion muffins are bombastic. And I love the way the pimply faced cashier at TH took my $5US and gave me a 1/1 exchange rate. That can't possibly be correct. Thief.

Every country has a cute little coloquialism. The Irish say "Safe Home" and the Aussies say "No Worries". Hey Canadians. Stop saying "It's all good". Old Dirty Bastard is dead. That was way 1999. Go back to sounding like Red Green, Eh? How about that Alanna Myles, eh? Oh for cute, pass me one o' them gluten-free beers, eh?

Hamilton, ON, as someone on HF pointed out before I left, is a sphincter constructed of smokestacks. All the recycling in the world won't offset that. What are you trying to do, compete with West Bend, IN for the shithole of the earth award?

If you are a 60 year old hippy who only speaks French, and you were trying to back into traffic on Kenilworth Ave a block from the Tim Horton in Hamilton, and traffic is moving 10KPH faster than the posted speed limit, don't pick a fight with the red-haired French speaking hippy from Maryland because you think he's going too slow. Someone had to stop me from getting my hockey stick out of the back seat to beat your old, foul-mouthed, Quebecoise reject ass.

Some of you people are just fucking RUDE. Do I smell like an American? What does an American smell like? Hot dogs and desperation? Please, I want to know how you spotted me. It was the Gretzsy jersey wasn't it? Or the Orioles bucket hat? I mean seriously, I was in front of The Barn wearing 5 year old cargo shorts and last years Tevas, I should have fit right in with what was in most store windows. Seriously. Is it necessary to swear in French? News flash, you live in ONTARIO, not QUEBEC you poser.

Even if there hadn't been a two hour eastbound backup at Queenstown/Lewiston (most of whom were Canadians trying to get into the US) I won't ever go back to Canada. Partly because I will never give the US government enough info about myself to get a passport, but also because Canadians come into the US and smuggle everything from tobacco to illicit narcotics to ammunition back into Canada, while I almost had to undergo a body cavity search because I forgot to declare the nicotine patch I was wearing as I entered the country.

Fuckers.

 

your own fault for going to hamilton
i know many people there but still manage to stay away from it

ps. the exchange rate is 1/1 now :tongue:

 

Yeah that place really blows. But my friends were getting married.

 

canadian women are hot though

 

yup yup yup. There was even a cute chunky girl at the OLB store. I wanted to drink Stolys out of her cleavage.

Funny thing was I think she would have let me.

But I'm off the hard shit. Gave it up with cigarettes this weekend.

 

you mean LCBO
get it right damn it
the LCBO is my home away from home
whenever i'm feeling blue or down i go to the LCBO and turn my frown upsidedown

and yeah canadian women are easy she'd prolly let you do it

 

Gimme a break, I went two days calling "Tim Horton" "Tim Burton". Another reason I cut out all alcohol but Guinness. A lot of Guinness.

 

They have Tim Hortons all across the northeast. Many people think it's just in Canada.

 

I know, I saw one on the Thruway.

Hey Matt, why did Rochester smell like cowshit this trip? I was a fraid to come into town so I just turned south on 390. It was pretty bad.

 

if you ever said that to me i'd kick you in the shin

 

You trying to pick me up?

 

no, but now that you mention it thats how i go about picking guys up...

 

Depends exactly where in Rochester you were. If you were driving on the thruway, that is actually south of the city, and there are a lot of farms out that way, so it makes sense you smelled cowshit. I quite frankly enjoy the smell. It beats smelling Kodak chemicals and car exhaust.

 

the coffee is fuckin good a hole!

 

Come to Baltimore and I'll introduce you to good coffee. That shit was weak.

Matt, I do too but today it was overpowering. And I know where Rochester is in relation to 90, I was born there. Rhe closer I got to 390 the stronger the smell was.

 

It is so not weak. It's awesome.

(I'm an addict, i call it crack-horton's)