SO long and short of my life, seven years ago I was involved with two women, one locally, and one who was a long distance pen pal. the local woman was my high school sweetie, we were kind of fuck buddies but we always had a very deep very intimate personal relationship. we could lie in each others arms and talk for hours, and in many ways we did , and do have a very deep love for each other. The long distance relationship was a woman who I spoke to daily, we were always phoning, visiting flirting and we realized we had many of the same goals and were very into each other. Before I left to be with the person a long ways away I spend two days with the local woman. We visited in the park, rolled on the grass, hugged and said good bye. The second day we had a coffee, hung at my place and were intimate. I think what I was really looking for was a "Is this real?" or a "Do you want me as more than what we have?" . We'd only see each other once every two months or so but when we did there was intensity. Even now, after the fact, her scent drives me wild. I do very deeply love who this woman is. Thing with my other woman went well. We fell in love, married, and things went very well, until we returned to my homeland. After a time things became quite nasty, and mostly because of my emotions for and the way things had been with high school friend. My wife was very jealous of her. I did not act in any inappropriate way after returning home, I kept a distance. Suddenly after a year and a half I was being called a flirt, a dog, a liar. My heart broke. I had one indiscretion, and came out about it. These accusations were made not only about this friend, but any woman I spoke to, or was friends with. The point being? Now she was a long ways from home, with me, and treating me like shit. I think that is the most accurate word. Time ran on, and who understood my problems? My ex. Who cared about my welfare? my ex. Who continued to treat me like shit? my wife. As weeks became months I found myself pulled more toward my ex. She was dating someone and had been since about 6 months after i left. Their first date corresponds with my wedding. Months have become years. Until I lost it, and left for a time, my wife never heard (understood) me saying that her behavior was not acceptable. Or that my feelings have been killed by constant abuse and accusations. I felt nothing but sadness in my life for having failed someone else and for not being able to reconcile. there was a point where It was no longer about the thing I had done wrong, but it became the way of life. That is when I should have left. At any rate. I no longer trust my wife, and I doubt I ever will again. I don't tell her of my life, because I can't stand the idea of being hurt. This is when a partner becomes a roommate, and it's a very sad state. I spoke with my ex, told her of my feelings and asked, is there any going back. There is not. I was not surprised by the answer but I finally took the hint and have started to get over her. She was tragically the best that had been in my life, and she's gone. My wife, is gone. She's here as a physical entity, but as the a wife, a person I can love trust and be true to myself in front of, no she is no longer those things. We are starting the process of breaking up. This has all come to a head in the last week. My emotions have been all over the map, I haven't slept in days, and I have lost hope for the future.I need to burn my life down and start fresh. It's a fine thing to have been loved, but there is no warmth in my life now.
Do you think you may have built yourself up with false hopes about getting back with your ex (local) woman when your marriage started falling apart? AND in the process, naturally shut out your wife? I know some are irate and jealous with no real reason... but most aren't. Can you be honest with yourself to admit that there might have been instances where you DID flirt around with other women? I'm just very cynical about how your wife upped and called your shit for no reason at all. There usually is a reason. Where do your children fit into all this? Do you have any? What about their love? Maybe marriage/couple councelling may help. It sounds like you're so caught up in yourself that YOU can't open up anymore. And your wife is so harsh, perhaps because she's been trying desperately to get through to you while your whole mind and heart has been with thoughts of another woman. Is that fair? You gambled and burned your aces. Despite it taking two to tango, I definitely feel bad for your wife.
I think I started to the part that was expected of me. You want to see a villain, we'll see what villain I can be. What does it really matter, if I've fucked up once, and it does nothing but kick my head around It not longer mattered what I do. Am I a flirt, you should meet me, we'll find out. False expectations, yep. I failed to critically and logically analyze my situation. It;s cost me a lot, hopping for silver linings. Kids, none, I stopped desiring kids when I found out no one cared about me in this relationship. Myself included And finally was i too caught up in myself, the problem was there was not enough I could ever do to repay my error, and I can;t live with the idea of being called a waste of flesh every day of my life every day of the rest of my life by someone who is supposed to care about whop I am, and someone who I used to love. I don't need that I challenge you to find someone who deserves that. I may be a reprehensible and selfish man but no one is worthless. marriage counseling. we made a bit of a go about that, but the reality is we've both decided who the other person is.
I know it couldn't have been easy, and still isn't. It also sounds like you've both found a way to "agree to disagree", so to speak. I wasn't nitpicking at you personally, I do that anyway because people are quick to blame the other partner and villianize them in the hopes of receiving some sympathy. Maybe I'm wrong, but I sensed it strongly when you were describing how much things were at odds with your (to be ex-)wife. As you said, what's done is done and I'm glad there aren't any children. It's definitely heartbreaking (no matter how much a person wants to get out of a downward spiralling situation) to realize many dreams are shattered. But we also pick up the pieces and try to make the best of the rest of our lives as we can. Give yourself some time and that you can talk about it or be open about it, it's one step closer to acknowledging a break, and a new lease on life.
