Branches on the crimson sky

Discussion in 'Poetry' started by JohnnyATL, Jan 19, 2005.

  1. JohnnyATL

    JohnnyATL Banned

    Tick - Tick - TIck
    The hands turn clockwise in a perpetual motion.
    A motion that never changes - that never stops
    similar to the world in a thousand ways
    many of which will never be explained.
    Like the rumble of a bass rift, I shake
    I quiver in the wake of you - that girl
    that girl that wants to talk but thinks no one listens
    the girl I want to love but wont help the situation
    like a man without a dream
    a heart without a beat - its not the same
    trust me
    'cause you will understand one day
    but maybe it will be to late for that, to late for me and you
    and you will get older as will I
    but our lifes will grow apart like the old oak branches
    the branches in the yard.
    But have hope
    although the branches streach out
    and seamingly touch the crimson sky
    there still connected at the base - and they never forget that
    and neither will I
     
  2. gdhmomchild

    gdhmomchild Duct tape abuser

    ~* not bad at all, I like the sentiment behind it. You may in the future want to use spell check though, There's three in the 2nd, 3rd, and 4th lines to the bottom. It just breaks my attention from the poem to the misspelled words. *~
     
  3. fulmah

    fulmah Chaser of Muses

    I really like the way this opens up. Good use of repetition thoughout, and a nice flow even though some of the lines could be broken up a little more, imo. I agree with gdhmomchild, the sentiment here is wonderful, and the execution was nice. A great offering, thanks for sharing! :)
     

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