Boyfriend viewing escort sites

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by basedprncss, Jul 29, 2013.

  1. basedprncss

    basedprncss Member

    today my boyfriend and i were on his computer looking up craigslist for a kitten to adopt. then in URL bar, i typed in the name of my city, and before i could type in "cat adoption" the first result that showed was the name of my city + "escorts". it was unusual because why would that be the first thing that comes up when you google a city? so after denying it for 5 mins, my boyfriend admitted to going to those sites. i didn't know what to think about it. he said he fantasizes about them, like he reads the reviews and he gets off on that. apparently he doesnt only look for escort sites from our city, but other random places too. i told him i couldnt really understand that fantasy, because for me, it doesnt turn me on knowing that some girls dont choose or totally enjoy being paid for sex... it's actually sad for me to think about that. he said it turns him on knowing that they're willing to do whatever just to get paid. i dont oppose prostitution, and its great for the girls that enjoy doing it, but there are girls who do it under unfortunate circumstances.

    anyways i'm not really sure what to say to him right now, it's kind of awkward. i dont think he's doing anything behind my back in regards to actually meeting escorts, but do you guys think i have anything to worry about... like this becoming more than a fantasy? i dont want him to think he's fucked for having these fantasies just because i dont understand them, but are they "normal"? like is it okay that the thought of a girl being desperate for money turn him on?
  2. deleted

    deleted Visitor

    dump em..
  3. Heat

    Heat Smile, it's contagious! :) Lifetime Supporter

    Perhaps it is time for you to set an hourly rate? ;)

    Seems as he has violated a trust issue. That you will need to come to some agreement on regarding acceptable and expectations or this will damage your relationship.
  4. basedprncss

    basedprncss Member

    he said he would stop looking at those sites but i dont think thats the point. anyways it's easy to delete your history. i guess im not as concerned about what he fantasizes about, but rather what may become of those fantasies. like porn is one thing, but are escorts a totally diff situation?
  5. Heat

    Heat Smile, it's contagious! :) Lifetime Supporter

    Will he really do so? That is the issue. Very few people who start behaviours are really willing or able to just stop doing it. Often they just get better at hiding them.

    If he does not, then what do you really feel about it. Can you live with it and still feel there is trust there?

    Only you can work through what you feel and what is acceptable to you.
  6. *MAMA*

    *MAMA* Perfectly Imperfect

    If you honestly don't think he's acting on it, then I wouldn't worry about it. Men have some pretty twisted fantasies, and escorts is really a pretty tame one.

    I was going to suggest you role play with him about it, but it doesn't seem you'd be into the idea of that.
  7. Mike Suicide

    Mike Suicide Sweet and Tender Hooligan

    I think boyfriend needs to get his own computer.
  8. *MAMA*

    *MAMA* Perfectly Imperfect

    Or learn how to use the incognito window like a regular human being. lol
  9. SpacemanSpiff

    SpacemanSpiff Visitor

    youre just a girlfriend..

    he's free to roam until he marries you
  10. monkjr

    monkjr Senior Member

    As long as he hasn't cheated on you, and it hasn't become an addiction to where it's detracted from his relationship with you.

    Have you explained why that same fantasy/fetish that is a turn on for him is a turn off for you? Logically you seem to understand WHY it's a turn off for you?

    Also take this instance, and weigh it against other pros and cons he gives to the relationship. Usually I think giving a 3 strikes rule is reasonable, unless it's something major like super bad financial debt, or something that involves him being involved in a crime.

    Now speaking a guy, I theorize here that he likes this fetish, because mentally it implies that the leverage women have over men (the ability to grant or deny sex) is flipped and it gives the guy more control over his own life. He might not even consider that the girls aren't in a willing exchange in this trade.

    And to be honest, I think most of those forced into a sex work job, tend to be underground criminal organizations, not so much official escort service websites.
  11. TheGhost

    TheGhost Auuhhhhmm ...

    Really nice thought there. Congrats.
  12. enhancer13

    enhancer13 Senior Member

    Personally I would have issues with the doing shit behind your back and lying about it myself! I like to be able to trust the person I am with though and I don't trust people that lie to me.
  13. drumminmama

    drumminmama Super Moderator Staff Member Super Moderator

    Quote in case of dirty delete.

    Two issues here- looking at escort sites, (seems to be his porn of choice)
    And you worrying about his fantasies.

    Fantasies are funny things. They sort of exist not to be fulfilled. They are that unreal, disconnected source of stimulation that you really don't ever want to experience. Think women's forced sex fantasies.

    Many a man has fantasies of being in full control over a woman, in some situation.

    I'd say as long as he is respectful toward women in general and especially you, there isn't a lot of need for worry.

    Now, if he's treating you like a paid piece of meat, and you aren't on board with this as role play, then you have a reason to walk away.

    As for it being his porn of choice, I used to tease my ex husband when I'd find porn sites in the browser history.
    Only once did I feel I needed to bring any of it up. It was some particularly unsavory material. Turned out some ex of a well known poker player was in them, and the link was passed around a poker forum as a joke.
  14. usedtobehoney

    usedtobehoney Senior Member

    I think the main problem is denying it 5 times. That's a blatant, lie to your face and frankly I think he got off for lying just because the escort topic is such a shock to you.

    And saying he's going to quit looking at the sites is more than likely just lip service.

    I don't know how long you've been together, but if you're at the adopting a kitten together stage, I'd think there'd be more of a necessity to be honest with each other.

    I'd care a lot more about that than what he fantasizes about. I wouldn't trust that he's not actually intending to see an escort...I mean...a liar is a liar, right?
  15. Irminsul

    Irminsul Valkyrie

    Lying isn't cool, yes.
  16. Like her lying he was with her when she was snooping around in his computer?
  17. basedprncss

    basedprncss Member

    shortly after i made this thread the other day i went back to talking to my boyfriend and typed in escorts in the url bar to see what links would drop down. he was with me as i did this. then there was a link to a forum where he'd started two threads seeking out escorts (this was two months ago)... he said nothing ended up happening because he felt guilty. i believe that, and i believe that he cares about me, but im not really sure if this is JUSt a fantasy... if you're taking time and effort to post on an escort forum seeking local escorts. and it really disgusted me that he was looking for an outcall someone to come to our apt. like the thought of bringing someone back into our apt that we share and pay for, and into our bed. gross.

    anyways hes been continually apologizing and im not sure what to do. ultimately i think it's a maturity issue in regards to our relationship.... we're both in our early 20s and despite on both of us agreeing to a monogamous relationship, i don't know if he is really ready or if he's just saying he is in order to keep me. im tired of people telling me that he's a guy as if his gender is any excuse, because it comes down to choice and respect. i have trust issues that stem back from having a psychotic/manipulative family so it hurts that my boyfriend, the one person whom ive opened up to and become closest with in years... is doing this. whether he went through with it or not, those intentions were there...

    he's been telling me that it was a stupid mistake and he wouldnt do it again. and he keeps calling me by the pet name we give to each other while he apologizes and it's getting annoying. i dont know what to believe. i told him if you need to go fuck around and get that out of your system then go do it but not with me around. and he keeps telling me theres no one like me and that he wouldn't want to lose me etc.

  18. desert-rat

    desert-rat Senior Member

    To me searching escort sites is not cheating . Now if he hires a girl for escort / sex then that is cheating .
  19. PhotoDude

    PhotoDude Member

    I would talk it out with him. Maybe you can role play and be his hired "escort" for the evening. That may make him stop looking at those sites.
  20. enhancer13

    enhancer13 Senior Member

    The issue here is trust and I don't really see why you have any reason to trust him anymore! He is throwing one lie after another at you. Also no being a guy is not an excuse to look for escorts.

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