Black Life Night like no other the deepness brings tears to my throat as I sit, here on the old wooden porch not even crickets are up to their routine dance and the moon and stars have found some other sky and the black is a stifling mud, a melted crayon poured in thick layers across the world my heart has moved to the wrong side of my chest to reflect the world I know where a father takes scissors to the throat of his children’s mother where a mother puts her children into a closet with a doused blanket in flames no wonder I close my eyes between heartbeats and tears catch in my throat because if they flowed, they would drown those around me. Poets are told to look out the window and write what they see but this world is so ugly to me. There is a poet who wrote about hanging fresh washed clothes as a young girl, in the sun and the wind, on a clothesline alongside her mother. Can I too be a firefly in this blackness? Perhaps someday I will grow wings but for now, I can’t even get up and walk. poem in first draft I wrote this a.m., not fully baked yet, but I thought it was good for a first draft. thank you for any comments, all are welcome.
Hey Vetty, I'm not much good at editing but I suppose I can tell you what I do like. I particularly like the last three lines but maybe I would change it a little.. I wish I could be.... It sounds a little more plaintiff and distressed like this and sort of matches the mood of the poem. I also really like these three lines... simple but to the point. Poets are told to look out the window and write what they see but this world is so ugly to me. Closing your eyes between heartbeats is a great expression. One thing I would change or remove are the lines of hope about the little girl. Let the poem wallow in the blackness. I think it's more affecting like that. Anyway, hope you keep us updated about future edits. Peace, A.
Aidan, thank you, thank you. Your suggestions make total sense. I will drop the two liner about the other poem/girl part... I tried it in my head and it works for me, that part was a little disjointed somehow. Then I will change the firefly part too although not sure about saying "I wish" but slight change here now that I dropped the other makes sense. I will keep you updated on the edits if you like. Although sometimes I change it back and forth! The title was hard for me on this one. I finally ended up with Black Life... that may change later too. Take care, good to see you on the forums, have to go, but hope you add a new poem or two to your series!
