hey all just need some help here. i am 20 years old and the man i have been with for three yearsis 27. i have been with an incredible man ("andy") he has helped me do a complete 360 on my life and he and i were so in love for the first couple months then i got pregnant and our relationship went to shit from there. At first we had little petty fights and i never took them seriously because i knew i was hormonal. but then as i got further along things got much more serious he would spend his time on the computer or he wasnt home and he was trying to think up knew ways to con his friend (who is very wealthy and rubs it in "andy's" face all the time. since Andy was using his time thinking up new schemes and of course supporting me cuz i wasnt working i was trying to finish high school I started to talk to my ex Bf (also the love of my life) and at first we were just talking as friends when i was 8 months pregnant i wanted to leave andy but i had nothing and no one to go to. So i just stayed with him thinking that he was better than being alone. I was so naive he didnt beleive taht my son was his, he refused to hold him until he got the paternity test saying that he was the father. I cheated on him once and that was when we split up. I becam a stay at home mom and i love it andy started his company and we were making money and to keep his company afloat he had to leave everynight and stay out until 6 or 7 am and sleep all day so i was doing everything on my own. It's been 18 months after my son was born and now andy is still scamming his friend and stays on the computer playing video games until 8 in the morning and sleeps all day and i still do everything (house work, raising my son, yardwork, and i am in the process of getting my ged.) i keep asking myself why am i with andy and i keep trying to figure out how me and my son could leave andy and go live with my family. I am just so emotionally attached andy was there for me at the lowest point of my life and turned it around he taught me to be a better person how could i just throw that all away i cant i would feel like such a bitch. in the beginning of our relationship i didnt give a rats ass about what anyone thought about me and andy said that is what made him fall in love with me and further into our relationship i relized how much i changed because of him i lost all of the good qualities of me because of what he would say or do. (example: i used to wear sexy little like a tight dress that came down just above my knees clothing but he took me shopping and said that i would look much better in something more covered up like jeans and a baggy t-shirt the result of this is now i am very insecure about how i look which give me anxiety and depression). I feel taht i am stuck in this relationship i cant do nothing and go no wheres without him or my son i havent had a day by myself since my son was born hell i dont even get to take a shit without bringing my son into the bathroom. andy just wont watch my son even if they ar in the same room andy will be on the computer playing games or watching t.v sure andy will stop what hes doing for a couple minutes and come play with my son but thats very rarely. I just feel that i have hit rock bottom and yet i keep on digging for what i dont know. So my ex and i we have talked on a regular basis and when i go up to see my family ( wis) i also go see him. I honestly have fallen for my ex and he absolutely has fallen in love with my son and of course he is still in love with me. He andi had an incredible relationship but due to some stupid actions i took i ended up in florida. my ex is a wonderful man and unlike andy he is very caring and emotionally supportive and he is everything i look for in a person he is a wonderful friend and gives great advice and in my eyes he is jujst perfect. Andy and i have just grown apart and there is nothing left in our relationship. I just dont know how to go about telling andy this and i am frightened because we have talked about if i left he would file for custody and tell the court all these lies about how i do drugs and that he would get full custody of my son. I just cant bring myself to leave andy becase of the fear of not knowing what will happen and that i am still emotionally attached to him How can i get over my emotions and fear. anyone with any advice would be so helpful.
finish getting your ged and leave his lazy ass He's not gonna be a good rolemodel for your kid, he's making you feel like shit about your body, he's just not worth your time. Finishing getting the ged so you have some edumication (helps with teh job thing) and go be on your own
IrishFairy, We all make mistakes and often find ourselves outgrowing places, things.. and even people in our lives. It also hurts most when we did (or do still) love them but they are holding us back from really flourishing and growing into something better. It honestly sounds like you've done so much thinking that it's driving you insane - the frustration, the caged feeling, feeling of obligation, built and worst of all, fear. Understandably you don't like where you are right now because you feel stifled, but there is something else you mentioned that was a bit alarming. You feel fear because 1) you don't trust yourself and 2) you don't trust Andy. You've told us all about how horrible and neglectful Andy is, his good sides and the wonderful thing he has done for you at the time that you needed it. But what is this deal about drugs? You obviously don't have to elaborate about it but I think if you're thinking of Andy for filing custody of the child, why do you fear it? Have you been involved with drugs (hard drugs and other shit) in the past? What about right now? If the answer is yes, how can you honestly say that your son is better off with you? Congratulations on getting up to your GED. For the immediate time, I would say finish off your GED without rocking the boat, keep your son out of the drama for now and as much as possible, and if you have a plan on where to go next or what to do, then leave Andy if it becomes unbearable. Whether he makes you feel like shit or not, it's YOUR choice to overcome. It's easy to say "dump his ass", but call me a bitch or whatever it is - think of your son first and foremost even if it means slightly making use of the stability in your life you have now. No use packing up and then running like a chicken with your head cut off.
Move in with your family. File for full custody. If he says you're on drugs....they will test you. So long as you haven't done any recently, you'll be alright. Get a job. Get your GED. Make a life for you and your son.
yes i was into drugs when i was younger but i quit all of that and left it behind me in the past i refuse to do any type of drug. i refuse to even take tylenol for a headache its not that i get addicted easily its taht i have been there and done that and really dont want to go through all the bullshit again. also my father was and still is heavy into drugs and he was never there my mom and dad split up and well my dad spent his entire life in and out of jail/prison for doing stupid shit. I dont want to be like that I dont want to not be there for my son i dont want to live my life like taht. The whole reason i fear filing for custody is that andy knows the system he sat me down several times and said taht if this were to ever happen taht he would go ahead and tell the courts how bad of a mother i am and taht i did and stil do use drugs and basically lie so that he would get full custody of my son. so i have just given up on any hope of being happy and living a normal life.
he's emotionally abusive fuck him, leave, the courts will take your side if you genuinely haven't done any drugs since your son's been around tell them about how he's trying to control, about how he's been emotionally abusive. It's not a good environment for your son to grow up in. If nothing else, do it for your son. You don't want him turning out like his father now do you?
contact your local women's shelter and tell them what you just told us, all of it, don't leave anything out (even the things you aren't telling us). They can help you, but you have to ask for their help. Find a counsellor skilled in dealing with domestic violence. He doesn't have to hit you for his abusive behavior to be DV. But be very careful to protect yourself and your child. Abused women are at most risk when they try to leave, even if he has never been physically violent towards you before.
