Bi married...secret

Discussion in 'Love and Sex' started by p2jslam, Mar 10, 2008.

  1. p2jslam

    p2jslam Member

    Hello to anyone who might read this...

    I didn't see a thread discussing this, so here I go. I'm a married man in nyc who's had plenty of sex with women and men. I didn't feel any sexual attraction towards men until college: high school and puberty was all about ladies. My college was an arts conservatory, so naturally I was exposed to a lot of different ideas...the most relavent to this being that sex with men was not just ok, but you didn't have to define yourself as a person based on what happens to turn you on.

    Easier said than accepted, of course; it took a really nasty break up before I decided, for real, that my attraction to men wasn't something to be ashamed of, but was something I could allow myself to enjoy. So since then I've had...less guilt...and have been honest about my past and present desires. In fact, if not in scope :& .

    Got married a couple of years ago, and still crave the cock. I think my wife thought that it was...whimsical, or passing, but I'm pretty sure it's as fundamental as my love of pussy. It's all just sex, and it all feels good. But she doesn't know about my hook ups (though she probably suspects from the occasional semen stain on my knees or shirt). Anyway, I'm interested to hear and talk with others in this situation.

    And please: no "you're either gay or straight", becasue that's just not true, whatever anecdotal "evidence" you may cite.

    If you read this, I hope you'll post whatever feelings you have about it, or experiences you want to talk about. If not, have a great day!
  2. sarahrei

    sarahrei ~Lover~

    Are you saying that you cheat on your wife with men? In which case thats pretty low, I understand needs but if you love your wife then you dont cheat on her. It's called self control.
  3. p2jslam

    p2jslam Member

    yes, that's what I'm saying, and while I respect that you feel strongly about cheating, I'm not really interested in being judged, especially by someone who's barely beyond their teenage years.
  4. sarahrei

    sarahrei ~Lover~

    Its funny you say you don't want to be judged, yet your judging me based on my age, hypocrite much.

    You said you want us to post our feelings about it, I did, I think your wrong.

    I hope you are at least honest with your wife. So she can pick if she wants to stay or go.
  5. Jordan20

    Jordan20 Member

    What she said. I'm not much of a fan of cheaters. And if you cheat on somebody who gives you their heart, you deserve judgment. Get over it.
  6. MollyBoston

    MollyBoston Fluffer

    I don't have any experience with this really, but I thought you could use some positivity here :) I've actually always wondered about how bisexual people manage to deal with being in marriages. I mean, the fact that you're bisexual means by definition that no one person can give you everything you need sexually all the time, right? That's a tough place for you to be in. And you're right, this isn't the "let's all judge each other" forum.

    Ideally, of course, your wife would be all about mmf threesomes :)

    It sounds like you discussed your bisexuality with her beforehand, right? What did she say about it at the time? Did you two acknowledge that you might have sex with guys occasionally for the rest of your life? How do you think she would react if you just sat down and told her everything?

    *internet hug* We all live in glass houses here. I won't judge.
  7. funtime08

    funtime08 Member

    I agree with these ladies. Tell the wife.
  8. Jordan20

    Jordan20 Member

    Not a lady, btw. Not trying to be a dick..just saying. I'm far from perfect and I've never claimed to be perfect, but I wouldn't cheat on my wife/girlfriend and pretend everything is fine. This guy should consider if the shoe was on the other foot and she was the one cheating. If he found out, he probably wouldn't be that forgiving. Why should we be? I'm not pretending to know him, but I know cheating is a low thing to do and I'm judging him based on his OWN words. Whether she (his wife) suspects it or not is irrelevant. If he wants a male-male-female threesome, he should consult his wife as opposed to doing this behind her back.
  9. sarahrei

    sarahrei ~Lover~

    I'm bi and I do just fine without being dishonest and mean to my spouse. If you feel like dick is something that you can't live without (which I agree with which is why I'm with a man) then you shouldn't have gotten married.

    Jordan20, it's nice to see a guy with morals! :)
  10. p2jslam

    p2jslam Member

    ok, sarahei, fair enough. With so little to go on, I understand why you see it as black and white. I don't...people go outside of their marraiges all the time, and it's often beneficial to the survival of the primary relationship. Sex with the same person gets old after awhile (and monogomy being a natural state is another thread)--my experience, in fact, is fairly common, except that I happen to fool around with guys because they have parts that my wife just doesn't. I think that's the only reason. Denial doesn't work, and is as destructive as it might be convenient. And Jordan20, same thing: I appreciate that it seems so simple to you. I hope your values remain as uncomplicated as you get older, it's probably a lot easier. But no, I don't deserve judgement by anyone just because I want to talk about it.

    Molly: exactly the point...figuring out how to manage everything in the most beneficial way possible (or the least destructive) for everyone involved. Primal desires--who knows how they get there, or why--don't just go away because you exchange rings.

    Yes, she knew beforehand that I'd been with guys (and loved it), and we did have a "special friend" that we had several mmf experiences with, and at first everyone was super turned on and it was great. She began to get jealous or defensive about me, though, so that ended that.

    We have talked about it at times, though not to the extent that I say "by the way, really craving some come on my face, mind if I hook up?" It is most certainly selfish not to include her. I think it's pretty easy to sit and say "complete honesty or nothing", but I really don't think many espousing that philosophy would hold up to it themselves under scrutiny.

    thanks for the post, and the hug! :)
  11. p2jslam

    p2jslam Member

    "...then you shouldn't have gotten married."

    There are millions of reasons beyond sex to get married or not. man, stupidly didn't realize this would be boiled down to cheating...isn't there a whole thread devoted to that elsewhere?
  12. Jordan20

    Jordan20 Member

    Well, that's sweet of you to say :) . Thanks a bunch. When it comes down to it, cheating never crosses my mind, relationship or no. I don't like cheating because it's immoral, but the MAIN reason I wouldn't consider it is because it's not worth it and it's hurtful to the victim. I don't wish to blatantly betray the trust of my lover for a simple night of screwing. If my woman wasn't making me happy anymore (and I'm not saying that's the case with the OP), I'd just break it off, not lead her on and end up hurting her.

    Edit: BTW, when I say not making me happy anymore, I mean emotionally and physically. The emotional part happened to me before. Not fun.
  13. Jordan20

    Jordan20 Member

    Because we should all be discussing your love for cock rather than the fact that you went out and fucked somebody (I don't give a fuck if they were male or female), unbeknownst to your wife? :rolleyes: If you didn't want the criticism, you should of shut your mouth. And if you can't take the heat, GTFO. When you get married, you make a vow to love somebody. You're not supposed to betray their trust. Cheating is called cheating for a reason, you know.....
  14. moonshyne

    moonshyne Approved by the FDA

    People can get into the technicalities of why people cheat, or why they think it's perfectly acceptable and natural to cheat....but the fact is, you are not some wild animal out to do as many others as possible. You chose to be married, you chose to link yourself with one single lifetime partner, and you should stick by that. Being bi is not an excuse for being a liar and a sneak. If you planned to go get with other men or women, your should have made those intentions known.

    At the very least, if this is the life that you desire, you OWE it to your partner to tell her the truth, and let her decide if she wants to be part of this.

    Or else, you need to learn a little self control. There are alot of things that people give up to be with the one they love....whether its sex, social, are no exception.

    Call it judgement, I'm sure you'll just blow it off anyway, but all I see is a man who doesn't wanna hear an honest opinion, and wants people to tell him that his total lack of morals or consideration for his spouse's feelings is accaptable.

    Sure, I don't know anything else about you...I don't know what your favorite color is, or what kind of work you do....but can you honestly tell me that anything else you say/do makes up for you being a cheating asshole?
  15. sarahrei

    sarahrei ~Lover~

    Well said moonshyne.

    I agree completely, you shouldnt have posted if you didnt want to hear opinions that differ from yours. The amazing thing about the internet is people wont say what you want to hear, they will tell you honest opinions.

    If you miss the dick so fucking much why dont you use a strap on with your wife.
  16. standingseated

    standingseated A Back Scrubber

    Being human means by definition that no one person can give you everything you need-- sexually, or in any other way, all the time. Bisexuality is no excuse for dishonesty and selfishness. Such acts and feelings do have very real and unavoidable consequences for both partners, whether someone gets caught or not.

    Marriage requires not only compromise, but sacrifice to work. A person unwilling to make significant sacrifices cannot have a happy marriage.

    This points to a nearly universal flaw in the way most couples today view marriage. Marriage is not a process of giving the other person what you can tolerate giving them so that they'll give you what you want. It's not 50-50. There's no keeping score. It's 100-100. You have to give all.
    Marriage is a process of creation. A loving relationship is like a plant, which both partners must gradually sacrifice all selfish desire to make thrive. It is a spiritual process of overcoming ego and building a sense of identity that goes beyond personhood. It is even more so with children in the family.
    Of course, this is a gradual process that is never finished in one lifetime. But any time a partner approaches any situation in life with the thought, "This is what I want" or, "This is what I need" as the primary focus in their mind, they will damage or stunt the growth of their relationship.

    It's hard teaching, I know. It takes real love to even try to follow it.
  17. sarahrei

    sarahrei ~Lover~

    standingseated, that was very very well
  18. p2jslam

    p2jslam Member

    hilarious. Jordan, I missed you when we took our vows, can you tell me what they were? No? Didn't realize that we were subject to your interpretation of marriage and partnership. Also, didn't see you in the room each time we discussed sex and desire. You were hurt? Aw, join the parade...what has that to do with this conversation? It'd be much easier to credit your idealist emo crap if you weren't so eager to judge based on a post or two. Assuming whatever you assume about my wife and I without even trying to understand any nuance, without at least trying to dig a litle deeper before passing judgement, renders that judgement worthless. Except of course to your online buddies who don't know any better because they, like you, believe you know absolutely that you'd do different in my situation, despite never having been in it. Whatever.

    Yes, sarahei, you're right too, your observation that people may not agree with me online is pointed and cutting. Gee, why didn't I consider that my post might provoke an avalanche of righteous holier-than-thou bullshit? Being new here to the "hip" forums, I guess I foolishly thought discussion was possible, or at least plausible, with others who might have some insight or relation to the situation, who'd perhaps have some perspective aside from disney movies. Again: were you there at our wedding? did you bother to ask if, after agreeing to one set of rules, then playing by another, if I was justified in going outside? If someone represents who they are as one thing, then changes their mind, how do you resolve that? If something's ok, then it's not, what's acceptable? I'm sure you have all the answers, so please, what are you waiting for? Write a book, make a fortune, let us all know! Also, I have used a strap on with my wife, and it's great.

    Moonshyne, same as the rest: pile on, don't ask, it's easy!

    standingseated: baloney. marriage is a compromise in order to acheive something greater than self, not a surrender of self. "Sacrafice all selfish desire"? Whose life are you living, yours or somone else's? That reads well, but is disingenuous. Describing needs is the only way to partner...the point of this post (originally) was a(n apparently vain) hope to discuss with others who'd experienced something similar methods of resolving/evolving the conversation. Naive of me, to expect open-mindedness on the net.
  19. sarahrei

    sarahrei ~Lover~

    IMHO if your wife said that it was ok for you to sleep with someone else and then said that it wasnt...then it isnt....and it's cheating....and LOSERS cheat.

    Yes this is the Hip Forums, but alot of people here still call a lie as they see it, and you sir are a liar.

    If this was ok in your books, let me ask you this...why havent you told your wife? And who can you even live with yourself letting her clean your clothes after you go off and fuck someone else?

    In all honesty, if I had a husband like you I'd kick his ass out so fucking fast and divorce him the next damn day.

    I've been cheated on...plenty of damn times and it sucks, and it hurts big time, you always remember the pricks who cheated on you, and normally punish everyone else for it. It stays with you for life.

    And if your wife was getting upset because of the MMF then chances are she isnt gonna take to kindly to you going behind her back to fuck around.

    I'm a private investigator, I see guys like you all the time, and I also see what happens to the wife when I give them the proof that the man (or woman, seeing as women cheat more then men) that they have built a life with lies to them. It's bullshit.
  20. p2jslam

    p2jslam Member

    Uh huh, I must surrender to your morality. Right.

    Uh huh, I'm a liar, though she said she accepted how I was then changed her mind.

    Uh huh, you'd divorce him so fast after finding so much in common and, after living 15 more years, found after sifting through the rest that you'd found someone that you had a great shot at partnership.

    Yes, that you've been cheated on--like all of us--justifies your judgement of me, despite knowing the barest facts.

    Ya think? Maybe why I posted the thread to begin with? So I could hear from others who might have something insightful to say about being in a similar situation?

    Shit, if you're a PI, then maybe I shouldn't discount your shallow bullshit as specious crap!

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