Being with a guy has heavily been on my mind lately

The biggest regret I have about college is I never got curious enough then about guys to do anything with one. My first inklings came closer to the end of my college time, and even then I was not ready to accept myself as a guy who likes guys. I never thought it was wrong per se, but at first I couldn't admit guys turn me on, and it's fine and natural.

I really wish I was open enough to admit I might enjoy something like that when I was 18. In a school with lots of dormage I'm sure I'd find my queer tribe. So many young adults with certain freedom could now get together and explore new ideas. How many roommates or friends get drunk and start talking intelligently (or as intelligently as you can drunk) about the LGBT community? Then the conversation leads to a hypothetical "why not?" to chip at the dominance of heteronormativity. You see each other in a different light. The direction of the conversation, alcohol's easing of inhibitions, and the horniness of that age makes you look at that roommate in a way you would never think and dared not think. A nervous kiss or quick grab between the other person's legs seems like a good idea. Sometimes it stops there and is never mentioned or implied again. It might progress to some sexual activity in some state of undress. It might go all the way. And if I had to be a freshman again, I would keep my eyes open for opportunities to explore the same sex to whatever degree. Maybe it wouldn't go past giving each other handjobs with one guy, but maybe some night would end with my legs on another guy's shoulders. It could've happened, if I were interested. But determination and chance were not working with me towards that goal.

But I don't want to let what happened, or didn't happen, in the past affect my present. I know there are plenty of single and divorced guys out there who would want something to do with me. Lately I've been thinking about younger guys. Maybe I vicariously want to right something from when I was their age. Still, I'm attracted and I know I have the right to be. But then I have a desire to submit to a guy my age or older, and have him treat me roughly. That probably comes from decades of suppression of my desires and not getting any of them met. Overall though, I want to have sex with a man. And not just have sex, but to use that sex to lead to a new level of closeness with one. A friendship where sexual intimacy is an organic part of it. A friendship where opening up that vulnerability to each other is normalized, meaningful, and just plain fun!

And in the recent past I've realized I've crossed the line of plain sexual attraction and recognized some kind of romantic context. So be it. The line between sex and romance is blurry. To stop at some arbitrary point in that range needlessly denies some potential. It could be sex winds up being just another thing that me and a guy do, along with going to bars and watching football. Or a guy and I might fall in love with each other and decide to get married...which better happen fast if it's meant to happen, before the current US Supreme Court fucks that up lol. (I do have to admit sometimes I do fantasize about "I do"ing with a guy and living our days together in wedded bliss. It's an exciting and liberating fantasy.)

But one step at a time. Right now this craving consumes most of my thoughts periodically. Right now is one of those periods. I do not plan on starting to figure out how bachelor parties work when both people to be married are guys. But I want to be able to say I felt an attraction, it was not bad to have it despite all the homophobic societal bullshit, and I honored that attraction by pursuing it with the right people...and tried to have a pleasant time.

I'll end by urging all young people to go for it. You might have been feed crap about how it's evil to sleep with members of the same sex, or it's emasculating for a man to do it with a man. Those are all lies. If you feel the urge, feel free to have that urge and to go for it. Don't feel bad and don't feel you have any valid reason to deny those urges. And especially if you're in college, that is a potential queer goldmine! You define yourself. Don't let antiquated dogma, which should've never had a place in history to begin with, dictate your happiness. Of course keep in mind there are consequences to everything. But there's nothing specific about the combination of genders in a relationship or a one night stand that makes one right and one wrong. If two people have an attraction to each other, they should generally let things happen no matter the gender.

 

For me I'm glad my attraction for cock came after having enjoyed the sexual pleasures a woman provides. Now at 57 I enjoy both with my wife's support, consent, and participation.