Being honest even if the truth is none too flattering.

A while ago I posted a thread entitled 'gf lied about her sexual past' where my girlfriend had lied about the number of men she had been with before me by a fair margin. At the time the fact that she lied and lied so consistently is what bothered me. Eventually I realized that it's not uncommon for girls to lie about their number of partners and that I shouldn't even have concerned myself with the question to begin with.

Now here is the none too flattering and somewhat pathetic truth; the fact that she has slept with so many guys and so many more people than me makes me feel like shit. I'm not stupid and I'm not a beta male, I understand full well that whats past is past and that I shouldn't concern myself with these things anyway (believe me I will never ask this question in a relationship again). I literally can't help how I feel. I've felt inadequate with women before always sabotaging myself when it came to the opposite sex (I'm not bad looking and I'm fairly confident in other areas). With women their was always a weird thing stopping me from getting what I wanted and it was only in the last few years that I really worked on this issue and solved it for the most part (hence the great girlfriend). I suspect that this is just my old insecure self rearing it's ugly head and I don't know what to do about it, even as I type this I realize it's stupidity.

Now the reason I'm writing this here is that my problem with a lot of relationships I've seen is a lack of honesty. People I've spoken to always feel they have to come across a certain way to their partner, can't show weakness or insecurity and in my mind if you're hiding enough from your partner then they really aren't going to know the real you. So just today I told my gf pretty much what I just typed, I told her that my ego must be a bit fragile and it's something I hate but its there all the same. I told her that the fact that she's been with more people than me is something that upsets me just because it's something I feel like I should have done at some point but never did.

I want a female opinion on this; if you had a boyfriend who confessed to you insecurities like this in the same manner that I have. How would you take it? I've made it very clear that I don't judge her for who she's been with and it's obviously 100% my issue but the insecurity is still there. Thoughts/opinions? Again I wish to re iterate that I know very well that it comes from insecurity and that it's illogical. In fact I even whole heatedly accept that every experience my gf has had in the past has made her the amazing girl she is today,

 

Im going through the EXACT same thing.

Please girls..we need answers!

 

How many did she say she slept with?

 

^exact same thing huh?
Also not that it matters what the number is but it's 12 with me being lucky 13 and she is 21.

Although I'll re iterate that I'm well aware of what I'm experiencing and why I'd just like to know how much understanding women in general have for that sort of thing? Honestly i think being able to admit to shortcomings can show strength of character, as opposed to denying that it's a short coming and asking the world to change for you.

 

1.

Good Luck with that

2.

Ask anyone what their number is you pretty much never get the truth

3.

Suck it up Princess, 12 isnt really that big of a deal. And if she's talking to you about it and its gets you mad and jealous. It will make her feel better if she drives you crazy. If your response was blaze she'd think that means you arent all that into her

 

Just go to a bunch of knock out hookers, already. It`s obvious you envy your girlfriend`s sexual experience. And, if you don`t do that, it tells me you`re torn between controlling your girlfriend as a priority, and the sexual experience you want to have.

But, I do realize that`s not the best scenario. Paying for sex is precarious, at best, yet almost every man does it in dating and marriage unless they date/marry an uggo.

The ideal scenario would be if your girlfriend liked girls and brought you her friends to fuck with. They are called unicorns for a reason, though. :biggrin:

Or, just experiment with men. Would it kill ya?

 

i know you asked for a female opinion specifically but i just want to set the record straight here, it is not 100% your issue and it's not you who is insecure in this whole thing. it was her who was insecure, otherwise she wouldn't have lied.

you are right. some people do exactly what you described. when meeting with a new potential bf/gf they make themselves look something they are not, they bend the truth to look better and more attractive to the other party. this happens only if they happen to really like the other party and are afraid that if they don't conform to some social ideal of the representative of their sex they will get rejected. and this behavior makes these people weak and fake. if this is something that is a recurring behavior, then the relationship will never be healthy.

in my opinion, you need to directly confront your girlfriend exactly about why she lied. maybe you can work this out. but this isn't something you can just let slide. if you do that you will relinquish your own credibility and she could start lying even more to you.

 

I can't stand lying. It is better to be honest, I would just move on.

 

Either find someone else, or get the whooooole story.

If she will lie once about that, it probably means she's a liar in general, and you should steer clear.

If, when you explain yourself, she won't talk about it or refuses to see the problem, or won't let you explain yourself in the first place, or talks you down for being concerned, you need to get the hell out of there.

 

I would just try to get over it. 12 isn't really that big of a number in modern days.

The bigger issue is finding a good quality girl, that is loyal to you and matches well with what you've always wanted.

I think a good question to ask yourself is what do you gain, by sleeping with a lot of women to get your sexual experience level to be on par with her sexual history?

I've known a guy or two, who went through a similar kinda of situation, and ended up breaking up with his girl to do this, and at the end, he wanted her back but she had moved on. He's still single, and unhappy so unless her not being honest with you is a continuing trend in the relationship.

Enjoy her company while she's here with you.

How would you feel if she was suddenly gone from your life (left, died in a car accident)? Cherish her while you can, it's what I say in my head and it's never failed to reestablish my standing with a girl I'm with.

 

Bro, you said you ain't beta but all I'm detecting in that paragraph is a lot of beta. If she slept with 12 guys who only had a 1" penis, that's basically only like 2 average guys anyway. So relax.

 

I’m confused, what’s the whole story? She’s a girl who obviously enjoys sex but apparently can’t show it because that will gain a negative reaction from most people (i.e., slut-shaming). So one reaction is unfavourable to her and she decides to hide it and lie about it and oh! Looks like that garners another unfavourable reaction! Now she’s just a liar in general.

Good grief she must be feeling really worse for wear then if this is what you’ve been making her eat and attempt to process. Which one is it? And more importantly is this something you can even see yourself actually getting over at all? Everyone values honesty in a relationship but the cold hard truth right now is that everybody is also going to lie during. Put it this way—we’ve all lied, the main example is during a job interview. You’ll edit or exaggerate some details on your resume to make it more appealing. You’ll talk up or hide things when they ask you questions. The only difference here is that no one makes you feel insanely guilty for it.

She’s clearly ashamed that she’ll be judged (you say you don’t judge her, but really, you are), which has me thinking it’s likely happened to her before. And yet she’d feel guilt because now she’s also being judged for lying. You’ve set it up so now she’s going to be conflicted with herself and the things she was raised to believe by society and/or family and whatnot. Maybe she should just keep her mouth shut as it would be a safer choice? Because you must realise that by asking her for more details/explaining why and so means going into detail about the things you’re currently conflicted with. And then you’ve got the gall to ream her out for being a liar.

A good friend of mine had a similar story (except during a long-term committed relationship, they lived together and were planning on kids etc), and he told her that he thought he could deal with it. He suppressed his feelings to try and be happy with her because she’s the first girl he has ever opened up to, the first girl he has ever truly loved, and the first girl who has made his heart skip beats. And yet he ended up verbally abusing her.

The point here is that you’ve pretty much made it quite abundantly clear to her that you feel you haven’t been with enough women. By saying that, you’ve essentially also put her own ‘female-ego’ to work. I know that if someone said that to me, my first thought would be a variety of things ranging from, “do you feel trapped by being with me?”, “is he considering either cheating or just ending it now?” “He doesn’t see himself with me in future” etc, obviously I doubt all those would apply to you or your situation but maybe that gives you a bit of an understanding now. You’ve clearly considered cheating or at least pictured it (and I hope to god you haven’t told your girlfriend that!), let me ask you though, what would it actually achieve? And even so, how many is ‘enough’? What’s the magic number here that will make you feel better?

How would you react if she were the one who was feeling what you are and you were her I wonder? Probably not as considerate. Boom! Double-standard.

My other concern is also that if this silly issue affects you so badly, then how would you be if a real problem arose?

You need to re-evaluate yourself right now and deal with this or otherwise ask, where do you even see this going? Because let me tell you right now. If this was my issue, my husband would have left me without even wanting to work through it. I’ve noticed that men seem to be quick to find cause to say ‘take off’ to themselves and each other.
She’s bothering to hear you out and not judge you for it. Why are you trying to create drama? Maybe you like it and are grabbing onto anything that can be used to cause it? I don’t know, if this is so, then it might be better to end. Finding things to cause dramas over will put a wedge through your relationship, it’s a game. And I’ve come to get the impression you don’t even realise that you may even be doing so… :/

Good luck, keep us updated will you?

 

Just wanted to add, that you ask/have asked what you want to know and then you need to let go. It's very possible that if your girlfriend or partner has a sexual history she is ashamed of, she is being haunted by it enough. You making her safe to "come out" then “hate” her for trusting you is like being stabbed with a double edged sword.

 

The responses in this thread have misunderstood both myself, my girlfriend and my situation so grossly I'm not sure I can even begin to respond to it all but here it goes;

1. My gf and I have a fantastic relationship and we are highly compatible, I'm not even considering cheating on her or breaking up with her because I value what we have. She has given every indication that she feels the same and we have great sex everyday.

2. I do not, and have not given off the impression that I think she's a slut or even that I think it was bad for her to have slept around a bit. I've always hated the double standard that guys can have a lot of sex and girls can't without being judged. She has given every indication that she understands this

3. The lying is an issue that I've since come to terms with and I accept that everyone lies and that this in particular is something a lot of girls lie about. In fact it seems by the way I've ultimately reacted that she was probably right not to tell me the truth.

All I wanted to know is was actually bringing it up a bad idea? I wanted to hear from guys and girls who are in similar situations and how to eventually overcome this insecurity.

 

^ Now that it's out, and believe me I wish it wasn't. What do you think I should do to make it better and make her feel more secure? I will not cheat on her nor will I leave her you can be sure of that. Is it at all possible that maybe she just sees it for what it is? a bit of insecurity that I will eventually overcome or get over? Furthermore I'd like to assure you that I don't judge her for having a sexual history no matter what you think.

 

Me & my G/F grew up in a different time--- we both had many partners
Nice that you both got honest-- but its about trust now-- let it go
We have been together 19 yrs--- -we've been thru a lot together , good and bad, and enjoy each others company still
We are only here for a short time- -no room for suspicion ,it can only lead to the bad*

Think -before you do anything that you,ll regret
jjack

 

i'm not a damn mindreader, i have no idea what your girlfriend thinks of one thing or another.

first you post about dishonesty in relationship and when you get relevant reactions you complain about people not getting what you posted. all of what was posted was on topic.

you feel insecure. the thing you need to figure out for yourself now is why you feel insecure. that's it. and again, i'm not a mindreader. you have to figure it out yourself.

 

I'd take it well. Everyone is insecure on some level, and being in a happy relationship doesn't magically erase people's insecurities.

 

Well that certainly clarifies a lot!

Kind of rushed right now but I’ll do my best!

Okay firstly I’m going to link to you this article I saw: http://www.thefrisky.com/2011-10-05/why-does-it-matter-how-many-partners-shes-had/

It seemed to fit your current situation but whether you take anything from it or not doesn’t matter. It might put your own mind into perspective.

Now. I don’t think that bringing it up with her was a bad idea at all. I can’t tell you how to overcome your insecurity (as only you yourself can do that, however you figure it out). All I can say is that if she’s heard you out when you’ve told her this, then ultimately she does understand and sees it for what it is…it’s not a pathetic thing, we’ve all been there.
It’s just something you must come to terms with alone and not allow it to affect anything.

 

While i would have preferred to have 'won' the race to my girlfriends vagina, i find this so infuriating and I hope i'm not the only one reading between the lines....

If she's been with 10+ guys by 21 i would have to question how much effort she is willing to put into the relationship.

You don't sound like you want the same deal the 10+ guys had where apparently all she did was spread her legs. And if that's all she's doing with you, i would panic.