I wrote this is October, and recently unearthed it; the subject matter is fairly implicit, I think Autumn as I walk, kicking at leaves I hold the shiny brown conker fat as a tear Thinking of you there and me, here Thinking, fall is not a season Just something I do That I do out of love, and then only with you I am not sure whether the word 'just' (third stanza, second line, first word) fits appropriately...other words I have toyed with include 'but' 'rather' 'merely' or 'only' (although I have already used the word 'only' within that stanza). Any comments would help! X
i think "just" fits very nicely in there. the whole poem makes me think of loving someone for no other reason than "because"...because they are who they are, much like you would love a season for all that it represents. maybe i sound ridiculous right now. im tired. sorry.
All smiles here. Thank you for sharing this gem. [Thinking of you there and me, here] Aint that the truth... [Thinking, fall is not a season Just something I do That I do out of love, and then only with you ] This reads like lyrics out of a some moving song...
Nice one, well done. And yes, I like the "just," it works. The bold part seems awkward to me though, especially when I say it out loud. It's the double usage of "I do" throws me off, and it doesn't seem to flow or fit. If I were to rewrite it, i'd do something like this: Just something I do Done always out of love, and then only with you Or maybe not even use the word "always". Whatever. I know no one here seems to like constructive criticism, so I hope you don't take this as a slam on your poem. I really liked it, just thought it could be slightly improved in that one area.
~* Really loved it Firebell. I think "just" is just fine. If it bugs you merely would work nicely to, but I wouldn't change that.*~
Oh Trippin, you haven't met me yet have you! I LOVE constructive criticism, I could listen to other people re-working my words for hours, and when they dissect my poems I feel as though I am having a slow, sensual massage of the mind! But I know most usually have better things to do than tell me how to write! Bhaskar, for you to say that this is my best poem means an awful lot...I definately won't throw this poem away, I'll file it under 'Bhaskar Says It's My Best Poem!' Thankyou Browney - interesting perspective, I like the idea you have - also Kitten, Momchild ('merely' was the word I was most considering, besides 'just') you are all lovely! And Amanda...I'm not sad, I'm very happy! But I was sad when I wrote this...I'm better now Love in a box XxX
lol. it's perfect. Just, and that, could be it's and 'what, i do' what seems a bit strange with the other 'th's' in there but it sounds quite ' oh what i do out of love ! ' shakespeare if u get my drift? love in a box with poetic ribbons! xxx
Haha, what an awesome way to put it. That's a good attitude to have, but don't take it as me telling you how to write. It was just a suggestion. I haven't read your other poems (I don't think) but based on this one, keep posting!
Keramptha, I know what you mean, I am a bit of a drama queen! Oh woe, what am I to do? *Puts hand to forehead in tragic pose* Love in a box with poetic ribbons on top...and sweet curly string to wrap my love in! Trippin, I didn't think you were trying to tell me how to write, I never think that, and besides anyone can tell that you meant it constructively, the people who often like to criticise but who don't do it constructively are the ones who just put 'this is shit' or something and that's not helpful whatsoever, SO...I don't think badly of you. And Eagle, you're a sweety Don't change anything...if only I could be so satisfied as to not want to change anything, then I would be the world's most contented person and also poet!
TrippinBTM, what Firebell said, most people don't mind constructive critism at all around here. I know I sure don't. I don't just come to hear only good things and unfortunately there only seems to be a few that are good at figuring out wtf the problem may be and giving advice on it.
flip flip flip, i have delete this post threee times.... so i was saying.. that exessive shaksprearian, tradgedy words are my idea of a good idea.. i LIKE that part! Thus, indian like, Religius in mine error, I adore The sun that looks upon his worshipper But knows of him no more.
Said just right, momchild...I often cannot think of something negative to say about someone's work, and there will nearly always be an aspect of it that appeals...whether it is the use of words or imagery, or even just a feeling the piece provokes. And what one likes, another probably won't! However if a poem could be improved I will add my two cents, it's just an opinion but it could really help add direction to a piece someone is trying to re-work. Keramptha, did you write those four lines at the bottom of your post, or are they an exmaple of Shakespeare? Sorry if that sounds stupid! I'm just rambling now, really...it's a little past my bedtime here in England! X
Oh and Rafaela, is that picture of you? If it is you're very pretty; a bit like Chrissie Hynde (sp?) I know I've spelt that wrong, but she's the long haired member of the Pretenders
So far, I've mostly gotten the impression that critiques are not welcome. I've been "yelled" at by some people for offering advice on their poem, they didn't seem to want anyone saying anything "bad" about it. Kind of irritates me. I know people are sensitive about their work, I am too, but if someone is polite, not saying "your poem sucks, you should fix it this way..." then it's all good. Anyways, it's not like I go around telling people their faults. Just once in a while I might suggest something.
pfft~! I always thought that was part of the point of the forum. If they don't take it well, you know who to avoid in the future. Funny too, because we all seem to get accused of being nothing but a load of ass kissers. There are times I don't comment because I'm not fond and can't say so in a constructive manner. Sometimes its just not my cuppa and a good poem also. I appreciate it because I'm too close to my work to see things alotta times. So take heart and keep doing what you do. I catch hell for pointing out their lack of participation other than posting their poems. It would be a very boring forum indeed if nobody responded to others as well as post poems.
I enjoyed this, firebelle! The last stanza seems fine to me as well, though I think you should include the word "It's" in your future options of replacement words, because it's nice and blunt. The only other constructive thing I can offer is that if something doesn't seem to fit right, let it sit and come back to it later. I do this all the time; pretty much any time writers block hits I go on a revision rampage.
