Athiests and Christians, I need your help...

Sooner or later I'm going to be forced to tell my parents that I don't believe in god.



Over the past few years, I've been gradually backing away from church activities, so as not to raise any questions. But today my parents suggested getting involved in Youth again, particularly because it'd be something I could put on a college application, and it would give the pastor a reason to write a good recommendation. I vaguely expressed my opposition, saying that I was too busy, 'just didn't want to' and 'didn't find it necessary'. You'd think they'd take a hint.



As a freethinker, I don't want church to help me into college, for obvious reasons. But when application time roles around in about 6 months, they'll expect a real reason for my opposition. My parents aren't fanatics; that is, they wouldn't disown me or take away my funding (I don't think), but, needless to say, an uncomfortable situation will unfold. (the church is a member of the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship, if that tells you anything)



What should I do? What can I expect to happen? I don't know if they'd make me talk to the pastor, but if they do, how should I go about the meeting?



I'm generally on good terms with my parents, except for little things like this, when 'you can tell us anything' seems to have an unspoken disclaimer.

 

Why don't you sit them down in front of your computer and show them this post?

Honesty is the best policy here. Your parents must repect your growing independence from them as you age. You're going to have different ideas than with what you were raised with. Normal. Healthy.

But always a difficult subject to work into a conversation.

I say drop the bomb. The sooner you pass this pothole, the sooner you can all recover from it and adjust.



x

 

He is still a person and I am sure that he has come across this sort of thing many times. If you have to meet up with him, which I don't see why you would have to unless you wanted to, just explain things to him.

Are they expecting the pastor to change your mind? No one can change someone's mind just by talking to them, unless they feel it. It's like a book or poem may be said by many to be the best thing written, but you won't agree if you don't feel it is. Same with religion.

Well religion isn't a little thing. It's on of the biggest in the world, in most circumstances there is probably not one thing that wont be based around religion of some sort in some country or other. There are education systems, law etc - it's a pretty big thing.

Just tell them that it's not for you right now. You can't pretend to have faith - what's the point! Do what you want, religion is to tricky a situation to be forced into.

 

I beg to differ. For a great number of people and countries in this world it is no biggie. Despotic regimes (like the Saudis, Iran, the US) and fundamentalists constantly try to mess with educational systems and legislation under religious pretexts, but that's another story.

To the OP: Don't sweat it! As long as your parents aren't fanatics they should be able to come to terms with the fact that you don't feel comfortable in their religious community. You don't even have to go into any theological discussions about something you don't believe in. Just say that their church is not for you. If you want to be brutally honest, drop the bomb, otherwise give the impression that you see religion as something personal and individual and don't want to belong to any organization.

 

Religion is a big thing in the world, whether you agree with it or not. It probably will always have its place and will do good or harm depending on what way you look at it. Just as there are fundamentalists trying to force religion into everything, there are atheists who are trying to eradicate it. It works both ways regardless of how you feel about religion. That's all I am saying.

 

surely jirachi has learned kindness and does love easily . it is the same as knowing god . believing or not believing in god is just thought , that is , not so important . what if you get a brain injury and can't think of this god here or there that no god ? you smile and know in your bones what's important .

 

I wouldn't tell them that you don't believe in God, because they will probably be very upset and possibly insulted. If they have raised you in the church it is because they wanted you to have the same sort of "structure" in your life as they had.
Maybe you could tell them that you have been researching the differences in the way others view God in certain religions and you are not sure that the Baptist Fellowship has all the right answers.

I believe this Earth is our God, and all indications of reasonable thought and modern science agree that She is our Creator.

 

The voice of reason here.

You obviously respect and admire your parents. Therefore you believe they have intellect and can reason. I say you sit them down and in love show them where you have doubts regarding that religion. Ask them for their opinion on each point. Give them the respect they deserve as your parents and the chance to defend something they believe in.

You may find through the process, you or they may even learn from each other. If they cannot reasonably convince you on each point of concern then you can feel assured of saying "until I can explain this point, I don't feel comfortable practicing that religion."

By being honest with them and open about your fear of this time with them, you demonstrate care, maturity and bring honor to them. They will be proud of you and of a job well done as a parent.

Its going to make you all even closer.

 

If you want to come out as an atheist, that's your privilege, but I'm having a hard time understanding the situation. What is it about "No" your parents don't understand? If you say I don't want to get involved in Youth again because I don't like it, it doesn't appeal to me, I find it totally lame, and its something I really don't want to do, will they keep nagging you? If so, repeat previous line over again, and again, and again, like a broken record. If they keep nagging,what if you then ask them why they want you to do something you don't like and find totally lame? I don't think you should be disrespectful to your parents; you can say it all in a polite, respectful way, preceded by "Mom and Dad, I really love you, but..." By the way, how old are you?

 

I guess you should ask yourself, how strongly do I feel about this?

Is getting involved in Youth again going to make you feel you’ve compromised yourself. If that is so, you really do need to sit down with your parents and explain.

But if it’s not that big a deal for you, you could look at it as something you’re doing for your parents, like washing the car or taking the trash out. Then make the best of it, make friends with the 5% who feel like you do and then there’s that recommendation.

 

heh, sooner than I thought. XD
And much easier than I could have ever expected.

It started when I was asked about Obama's being sworn in on a Koran and me answering by asking what should be done if we had an atheist nominee.
basically they asked me about my faith, and when I replied with a reluctant 'yes' (that I still believe), it sparked a huge discussion. I began arguing that there was nothing wrong with an atheist president, and I guess my true stance was easier insinuated than stated plainly.
It amounted to them saying they're alright with my beliefs differing from theirs; their main concern was that they had somehow pushed me away from church by not doing something right. (they still had a tone of ‘anything but atheist’, but wouldn’t actually say it) I'm pretty sure I made it clear that I hold no contempt toward Christianity (in and of itself) thanks to the church I was raised in, and that I realize there are diverse beliefs among Christians—but, I am not a Christian because I don't share the most basic belief in Jesus. I also said that I generally dislike labels, because they tend to limit thought. The conversation ended with a tone of "We'll accept you for who you are, whatever you believe, but just don't forget to give Christianity a fair chance in your religious explorations".
Thanks again you guys-- A few months ago I probably would have insisted that I was completely devout and beat myself up over it later. I think discussing it before hand gave me the courage to go through with that conversation today (this will make several things a lot easier in the future).

In answer to several questions in the topic--
Yes, anytime I do something church related I feel as though I'm compromising myself in some way. After quitting youth, I've done nothing church related that wasn't with my parents or involved more than music. A while back, when my parents volunteered us for something at church without asking me, I told them I didn't want to do it, but don't let me stop them--and it somehow turned into me being disrespectful to them because I wasn't supporting them by participating with them. When I mentioned that that wasn't a reason to go to church (just for other people) they got really upset. So that's why it had been so hard to say no to these things.

 

Glad to see things worked out.

 

just don't take for granted how much respect your parents just showed you. they sound like good people.

 

I'm glad it worked out too, but am bummed that the underlying theme was not realized. Truly it is always the best to sit down and be open and honest about your true thoughts. If you are a reasonable person, they know that too. And if you have a reason for thinking differently then them , that would always be understood by a reasonable person. Your ideas are not unreasonable or off the wall and your decision to go against the family tradition was not one you made lightly. No parent could fault you or their abilities as a good parent in that situation.

NEVER EVER be afraid to share your true thoughts with anyone. Its what enables us to look in the mirror and not be ahamed by what we see looking back at us.

 

I'm going to have to tell my paremts soon too, they won't be mad, bit they won't be over the moon either. I need to stay in their good books anyway, I'm only vegetarian by the skin of my teeth!

 

Now that your issue seems to be coming to a happy resolution, what's this about Obama being sworn in on a Koran? I hope you and your parents know that didn't & probably won't happen, since he's a Christian, not a Muslim. Another African-American congressman, who is Muslim, was sworn in on a Koran. Maybe that's the source of the confusion.

 

Yeah, the Obama thing, I'm pretty sure that's known.

And the issue wasn't as over as I thought--a week ago I had to clarify with these specific words that "I am not a Christian" because "I don't believe in Jesus Christ as a Savior". My dad was having a conversation with someone at Church and attributed my lack of interest in youth group to the new youth pastor. I corrected my parents in private afterwords. They said they had thought I was just 'questioning', but they havn't given me that hard of a time over it. They feel like they didn't do enough as Christian parents when I was young-- not praying regularly, not making me go to Sunday school... I told them that I believe that if that were the case, it would only make me feel uncomfortable talking to them about the subject now.

The main reason I have taken so long to tell them is because of this situation about a year or two ago--they volunteered us for something without asking me--it was something Church related I didn't care anything about doing--and when I suggested they do it without me they kinda flipped out, saying that I wasn't "supportive of them" and they "bend over backwards to keep me happy"...so I thought never again will I express my real opinions on the subject till after high school. I told them that too. And it bothered them that they would have given me a reason to keep something secret from them--something they always say is that I can always talk to them about anything. They reiterated that. So I guess they feel conflicted as to where their main loyalties lie, or something like that. But I guess there's not much more I can do about that.

I continue to do the regular church stuff each week with them just to be "supportive of them", but still feel as though I'm compromising my values. I wonder if they'd do something that compromised their faith to be "supportive of me". Then again, I guess to some extent, they already are.

I havn't got as much sleep this week as I usually do, especially since I had to wake up early today(Saturday). They mentioned going to church tomorrow morning(they're not really every single Sunday people, never really have been) and I mentioned that I was going to sleep late. They didn't argue, but I heard my mother whispering about how they shouldn't go either, my father said something about they'd know that I was busy... I don't want to keep them from doing what they want to do--and I'm not--they could tell people about my beliefs if they wanted, so I guess ultimately it's their own limitations holding them back. I'm not surprised, but I do find it slightly offending that they should feel so ashamed because of me. They'd never admit it, but that's what that boils down to. I don't plan on discussing that with them.

 

Hi, I think the reason they misunderstood you not wanting to go because at that time you had not been honest yet, therefore they had only your actions to draw upon and came to the obvious conclusion. Had you have said in reply, " No, its not that, but I have some changes in my belief system, perhaps we should talk about that." Then perhaps the strained relationship would not have occurred.

This happens in everyones life when we decide to keep things to ourselves. They have raised you in a certain belief, and clearly they would never have thought in a million that you had changed faith on them. So naturally they assumed you were not being supportive.

They did not give you a reason, you did this by not be honest upfront. I think that you can tell them anything. IT just takes sitting down man to man type thing. They obviously respect you and you respect them. You are a very fortunate guy to have that, and I think you know that too.

As far as church activities, I think you should talk to them about it. Ask them if they are embarassed by your changes. And if it would help them if you went to be supportive. However, certainly it is compromising and in the spirit of fairness, they should be willing to not force you to go each time that they do. That is living a lie really. I can relate to how you must be feeling.

Open and honest communication in all relationships is the only way we have to help others understand who we are and what we are thinking. You will be surprised how much you actually learn about yourself in this process as well.

It has been my experience that ... we can all be anything we want to be. When you don't decide to purposefully be honest and straight forward all the time no matter what or with whom, then your character can not be defined by others. You become someone that may not be who you really have chosen to be, simply because you never made that conscience decision. By not deciding who we choose to be and what we choose to believer in within ourselves ,,, the world will label us. I don't know about you but I think I would rather determine that for myself. Its not something that people think about and perhaps we all should do that. Sit back and say ok .. Am I someone that has no problems with telling a lie to get what I want? If you are then accept that and expect others to have trust issues and not believe you sometimes. That goes with the territory. If you don't like the thought of others not being able to take you at your word... make that choose now and stick to it especially in the little things. People WILL be watching to access your character hen you never expect it. Trust me on that.

I think your parents should most certainly not compromise their faith because you have changed your mind. What kind of a faith turns because someone else does. Right? I think you are doing pretty damn good in this .. just a bit inexperienced with expressing thoughts like this . It is really quite a big issue and you have done pretty well. Keep it up!!