Since a couple weeks ago, I've started falling again. I'm now basically guaranteed to fail my first semester of college. I'm in an electrical course, and it makes very little sense. I ask for help from the teacher but then it just makes it worse. The worst part of all is that I've been lying to my parents and telling them that I'm doing good in the course but I'm fucking it up big time. The worst thing about failing this course is just that I failed... I feel like shit. I want everything to just go away... I've been depressed for too long to keep going... It's been a non-stop struggle for me for 2 years now. I'm seriously contemplating suicide again and I'm not sure how long I'll last. The only thing that is keeping me going is knowing how much my family would miss me and how bad it would hurt them. I don't think I'll be able to keep going for long... I feel like caring about my family is the only thing keeping me from actually committing suicide. I just don't know what to do...
do you have a Counceling service at school? therapists or psychologist of any sort that you can visit while on campus? i would look into that, and if ya do, go talk to them i almost failed out of school my sophomore year...very tough for me...but i bounced back junior year for a bit and got my grades up. then i fell again. its not an easy road - it takes time and a lot of introspective thinking and dealing with past issues. i had to take a semester off, i feared that i was going to do what i did 2 years ago, so i left for a semester. i've talked to the counselors at school and its a major help, i've talked to friends and thats been a major help. the hardest thing for me, was actually getting hte help, i was afraid of the stigmatization i would recieve, but in the end, i just said fuck what others think and got help and opened up to my friends. i would really look into getting some professional help though. don't know if you drink or smoke, but i would consider taking a break from those too, if ya do
I've been considering quitting smoking, I smoke weed every day and smoke cigarrettes too. I'm just starting to think that I have an Anxiety/Depression problem, and the school work is just compounding my problems. I was just doing some of those online anxiety symptom quizzes and also did one for depression, and I always get really high scores (high meaning I apparently have anxiety and depression). Today for some reason I was just sitting in class feeling depressed and I got this really bad pain in my back like I pulled a muscle. I got that a few times. Not sure what that's supposed to mean, but I've never had it before today and it keeps coming back every hour and a half or so.
be careful with the self-diagnosis...those tests are set up to make a think you are...you may be having anxiety attacks, but don't rely on some online tests for that... i've stopped smoking, and i ended up stopping heavy drinking, except for some special days where its planned in advance. its made it much easier to start fixing and moving on. have you tried exercising to release some of that anxiety. its really helped me out, just busting my ass with weights or sprinting. getting out of my mind and just releasing everything.
It's winter right now or else I'd be out skateboarding or BMXing, BMXing being my single most favourite thing in the world. I can't really say it helps with depression or anxiety, just clears my mind while I'm biking. I'm deciding to not tell my parents that I'm dropping out of college until I get a job... I'm not going to keep going (because it's basically pointless now) so I'm just going to hand out resumes tomorrow all over town... I'm still concerned about an anxiety/depression problem, whether the tests are fake or not. I've known I was depressed for a long time now, and I've been thinking that I'm showing signs of anxiety for quite some time now. I just don't know where I should go to seek help on these... My family doctor or what?
I'm undecided as to quitting drugs. I don't see myself as being addicted to drugs (not anything like how I'm addicted to cigs, the nasty bastards) and I think it's more of another "out" for me, much like biking. It truly makes me happy and I love to experience new altered states of mind, a psychonaut -if you will-. I love to study drugs and everything about them, and I see them more as a tool for learning than a life destroyer (at least for me personally.) I really should quit smoking and I want to, but I just know in the back of my mind that it won't last. I use smoking as a stress reliever, and quitting at this point of my life wouldn't be any better than staying on them. I'd rather quit smoking when I'm not in such a stressed out mood.
You should definitely quit the drugs, they'll only make the depression and anxiety worse. I've been suffering from depression lately but I made the decision to stop smoking weed (at least for a while) and it does help.
My mom also suffers from an anxiety and depression problem, and takes medication for it. Do you think that her having it could be related to me having it?
Find God or purpose or whatever you want to call it. Seriously, thats the best cure for what you describe.
It could be that, or it could just be caused by the drugs, or by teenage hormones. You could go to your GP and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist. I'm not really sure what the procedure is over there, but a psychiatrist could help a lot. Maybe dropping out of college could work for you; if you need a change. If it doesn't work out, you can always go back to college. And as StayLoose said; yeah, finding a purpose of any kind can help, too. It can give you something to focus on. When I was depressed a few months ago I started learning the guitar and I could always turn to that if I was feeling bad. It helped a lot.
Alright, I've sent out more resume's and still havent heard anything back, and soon I'm going to have to tell my parents that I'm quitting college... I feel like absolute useless shit. I've decided that IF I do decide to put myself to sleep, it's going to be some benzo's and asphyxiation, it's the most painless and calm way to go out IMO. I can't stand this shit anymore, it's like the world hates me for no reason... It feels like quicksand where the harder I fight the faster I sink. I've basically already given up on helping myself.
I've just told my mom that I'm dropping out of school and trying to get a job but she says I'm out the door. Looks like my end is near...
It sucks that you're having a tough time. The people closest to you (parents, immediate family) are in the best position to help you out. You may have a clinical depression that could require some type of treatment... having said that I'd shy away from chemical intervention as the human body will tend to develop a need to continue. On the topic of chemical involvement... I smoked weed for 20-odd years. When things got me down I'd escape to to the comfort of my bowl and things would seem to go away. Pot evened me out and was a shortcut to my comfort zone. Ordinarily this wouldn't be a problem but being the profoundly lazy person I am I'd neglect matters that required my attention. As this was my cure-all way of dealing with everything from relationship issues to chores needing to be done I'd accumulate a backlog of garbage that routinely became overwhelming. For me, weed was a crutch and needed to be dealt with. I'm not saying that this is definitely your problem, but if you're having trouble coping then everything should be on the table. The cumulus of your posts suggests that you may have issues coping with stresses and that is something I can identify with way more than I'd like to. I'm not saying that if you stop smoking pot all your troubles will go away but it's something worth considering. When I stopped there was a period where I was more irritable than usual. Naturally, without my crutch I was forcing myself to deal with shit and through lack of practice I had forgotten a few basic life skills. Some folks can toke up regularly and be fine. I don't mean that marijuana is a big evil thing that will turn everyone who smokes it into lazy zombies but if things are getting at you more than they should, you are not doing yourself any favors by not at least considering this. Please remember, I'm not on an anti-pot crusade; I strongly believe that it should be legalized, but the debate needs to include a frank discussion on its effects on some people. Some folks should never drink alcohol... others should avoid junk food; a few should refrain from smoking marijuana. I can say this from my own experience as well as my observations on its effects on friends. I do hope you can find a way of dealing with all that's happening in your life. Good luck with whatever you decide. Leaving school doesn't have to be the end of your life but it's really up to you whether it is a fresh start of better things.
