Are desires selfish? Where is the line drawn in a relationship on hall passes?

I read here and elsewhere about people giving their spouses hall passes so their desires can be met elsewhere. It's one of many dynamics among relationships I have always found fascinating. On one hand, it seems the spouse giving the hall pass is exhibiting one of the ultimate acts of selflessness. On the other hand, it could be seen that the taker of the hall pass is selfish, giving in to their own desires at the potential detriment of the giver. But, somehow, it seems to work for some couples. The giver must have a high level of confidence that it will sustain the relationship, or even enhance it rather than destroy it.

Is the person wanting the hall pass a selfish person? If the individual who can not or is not willing to fulfill their spouses desires selfish if they will not give a hall pass? How many of you practice this sort of relationship? And what challenges has it brought about?

 

I've never been able to put myself in that scenario, like some kinda thought experiment or whatever. Ugh. I instantly get a sick feeling. I have spoken to numerous people about this issue though. Some of those ppl are close enough to me and I would easily say I respect and trust in the knowledge that they're decent ppl.

Something still bugs me about it though. Could very well be how I was raised. It could also be a whole lot of crippling anxiety and feelings of "not being enough" for my partner. Thankfully I am not currently seeing anyone so I don't really have to dwell on the what ifs.

I suppose the matter of selfishness really is something that would be unique to each situation. Hard to say anything concrete without knowing about them as people, and all that.

 

I'll put my opinion out there on a relationship that is looking at opening up or giving a "hall pass' to one partner so they can have guilt and cheat free sex with other people.

• Is the person wanting the hall pass a selfish person? It really depends on the reason behind the request. Wanting to have a sex life is not selfish. Wanting to have sex with other people while with someone who would be willing and able but is left out is a selfish act. You are only thinking of your own pleasure and not considering your partners which is indeed selfish. But having a burning desire for sexual relations outside of a committed relationship isn't selfish at all. Just as long as the partner in the relationship is getting their sexual desires fulfilled too. Even if that means the partner has no desire to have sex in any form. Negotiating a "hall pass" does not mean the asker is doing a selfish thing.
• If the individual who can not or is not willing to fulfill their spouses desires selfish if they will not give a hall pass? They are more likely to be thinking of their own security. They will contemplate the what ifs. What if my partner leaves me for, or no longer cares for, are just a couple of what ifs. But if there isn't a solid reason for refusing a partner the pleasure of sex then it is a selfish or loss of security emotion. One partner cannot force celibacy on another. Given that withholding sex from a partner or spouse because emotions well up the fears of loss of security is selfish. Being selfish as an act of survival.
• How many of you practice this sort of relationship? I am one who, along with my spouses blessing, has sex outside our relationship. Her body will not allow her to be sexually active anymore but she knows and understands that I still have that desire for sexual pleasure. According to Psychology Today only 4 in 100 people are in an open relationship and not all of those are of the "hall pass" type. They go on to say up to 12% of sexually active adults have experienced a form of consensual non-monogamy. Although the number of open marriages is on the uprise that's a pretty low percentage of the existing relationships.
• What challenges has it brought about? It's a tricky situation if the way the "hall pass" is issued isn't thoroughly thought out. Lots of discussion and swallowing negative emotions are required on both partners behalf. I feel it is a pretty strong act of love to accept that a partner has sex with other people. The biggest challenge isn't setting rules or boundaries or even the acceptance of extramarital relations. The biggest challenge is keeping your emotions from raring their ugly head to a point the relationship breaks down.

 

To answer the title questions:

• Are desires selfish? Yes they pretty much are. With sexual pleasure a partner is being selfish in that they are having sex because it feels good to them. Not to their partner but to them. Even doing for your partner and helping them to feel good while having sex is selfish in that it feels good to you also. If it didn't, you wouldn't. You are and should be concerned primarily with your own personal pleasure. This is not a bad thing. You are responsible for your own sexual pleasure including orgasm. A selfish act if you will. I can assist you in getting there but if you aren't going to there's nothing I can do about it. So be selfish in being concerned with your desires.
• Where is the line drawn in a relationship on hall passes? The line is wherever the couple wants it to be. That's where the discussion comes into play. Equitable and honest communication is the leading factor in determining the success of granting and using a "hall pass" or entering into an open marriage. Without it, it is impossible to have understanding between partners. So discussion is made and boundaries or rules are set. But know there will always be situations where the rules have to be changed. For example, your spouse says you can't have sex with someone we know. That is until a friend reveals they aren't getting their sex desires filled to your spouse. Now your spouse feels for them and wants to offer you to help sate those desires of their friend. Rule change. Or the best one, no kissing. You get a "hall pass" and met up with a lover. What's the first thing you are going to do? Kiss! Rule change or go ahead and violate the rule and not tell. Again this becomes a tricky situation. But it can be worked through with lots of discussion and give and take on both parts in order for the open marriage to be successful. So draw those lines but expect them to be moved.

 

Thanks, you two. In my case, my wife and I married in our late teens. Though we each had sex with others a couple times prior, we have been completely monogamous since. Going on 40 years of sex with no one but each other. We both describe the sex we have with each other as pretty phenomenal. And we each get it as often as we desire. We love each other and want to remain together to the very end.

I have sought new experiences in all aspects of life from the time I can remember. I am called adventuresome. My wife is not and is content as things are. She has no interest in being with anyone sexually but me. However, I long to experience another woman, and have for years. The craving has only gotten stronger.

We have discussed me getting a hall pass. She is not comfortable with it yet, but said she might be more open to consideration at some point. I feel guilty for even considering.

 

Don't. Having a desire for expanding your sexual activities is nothing to feel guilty about. Now, if you act on those desires without having that hall pass then there is reason for guilt. Continued discussion with your wife may sway her into giving you that pass. That is what's called ethical non-monogamy (ENM). But don't dwell on the issue. If she is uncomfortable about this forcing the issue may deepen her resolve to resist. As I pointed out there is a security issue allowing a spouse to find other sex partners. Especially if she is still providing for your pleasure. This can also give her the feeling that she isn't good enough for you anymore. These are very damaging emotions on her side. Stand fast and give your spouse time to weigh all of this. As an added suggestion, pick up a copy of the book "The Ethical Slut". In it you will find a lot of how to's for a ENM relationship.

 

I believe that each is different.
Our situation was that my Husband worked a lot and had long hours. He was always to tired to preform. Our friends Bill and D worked different shifts and I would pick up their 2 daughters from school along with ours.
Bill would get off a 3 and D worked until midnight. He would take a shower and come down and hang out with me until time to go home.
We became very close and I started wearing more provocative clothes!
D told me one night when we were hanging out together that she didn't know what to do about Bill always being Horny!and that she just wasn't interested in sex anymore more! She looked me straight in the eyes and said that she wished that he would find someone to take care of his needs, and winked at me!
Hubby always liked when I would play and encouraged me to go ahead!

 

Here’s my take. My wife and I practice something called “Compersion”. It’s about experiencing joy and true happiness from allowing your spouse to have other sexual partners. Desires and emotions are in a word “personal”. No way around it. So compersion and personal become one in the same. Even in a relationship you don’t own your spouse or partner body. That would be slavery We practice compersion in all aspects of our life. Read about it.

 

Both stories are examples of ethical non-monogamy the way an open marriage or relationship should be if there is to be other sex partners involved.

 

Yes, we consider ourselves to be a ethical non monogamous couple.

 

Thanks, everyone. If I pushed the issue, I am sure I could get a hall pass. But it would be to my wifes detriment. I don't want that. I wish she could embrace the idea though. I was born an explorer, through and through. Sex is the only aspect in my life that I haven't been able to explore, at least with others. I long to experience the excitement of someone new, different. The thrill of the unknown.

I feel my time clock ticking though. From middle school on, I never had a problem attracting girls. But, like everyone else, time is taking its toll on me. As time rolls on, the pool of women I find attractive and that I can attract, will dwindle. Put another way, I doubt I have many more years of being able to attract those I am attracted to. And from that point, I can not see the point. I see my window of opportunity slowly closing.

I feel guilty. Yet I don't. I understand and respect my wifes reluctance. Her insecurities makes me feel selfish for wanting to fulfill my desires. Yet it feels a little selfish of her for not wanting to allow it, particularly when I fully support fulfilling her fantasy of having another man enter her anally while she is riding me (DP). However, she is not adventuresome enough to go through with it. A catch 22 situation.

 

Is It Ever OK to Cheat on Your Very Sick Spouse?

 

After she told me that Bill and I had Wild sex 3 times a week like we were college kids!

 

As long as everyone is aware and emotions stay in check as it’s “just sex”. This one again shows sex and desires are “personal”.

 

Although I Needed him and he needed me a lot of the Excitement was because it was so Taboo!
I know that he told some of his guy friends and that always excited me when they were around!

 

I'm the caregiver for my chronically ill mate. When, if ever, does the conversation swing 'round to my needs, desires, and aspirations? Am I really supposed to gallantly self-immolate on her funeral pyre every single day for the rest of my life?

 

Kind of you to care for your mate. Tell your mate about your desires.

 

This article isn't a real good presentation of life enjoyment being the author despises her lot in life with her husband. It is biased towards finding sexual pleasure because of the burden of duties that she found having to care for him turned out to be. The author only listed three choices in having sexual needs met. Fortunately there are many more that we humans have. Mine is number 4, had she included it in her list. Number 4 is consensual or ethical non monogamy. it is when one spouse realizes the other has needs that they cannot meet and accepts other people can fill those needs for their partner. It is not cheating but enjoying a sex life that is still there within the healthy care giver. Knowing the care giver isn't going drop their partner for another lover helps with this understanding. But that's what makes a companionship viable. It's give and take and when one partner always takes the other, as the author accepted, goes without and resents the partnership. That causes the unbiased opinion to be written. Had she experienced life differently, with acceptance of her needs, the article would have never been written.

 

My fb and I know each other for about 20 years. She is divorced and bi but for various reasons has been with me primarily and occasionally as I have posted with others. She knows I am married and have a fwb and a few other friends for encounters. So tonight she is meeting an old friend for dinner. They have never been intimate but I am super turned on if anything happens. She is 60 and looks ten years younger with jet black hair, 34b, 5’6 and gym toned. Extremely sexual as we have done threesomes toys etc. So I am totally hard about this and will report back but she has a hall pass lol.

 

To each according to his or her own needs. With mutuality of course.