Another stupid, glorious E experience

It's been a day and I'm still entirely shell-shocked from last night. I wrote a post last month about taking a large amount of LSD and E at a concert, having never taken either before, and while it turned out great, some of you pointed out that it was too much, too fast.

So last night I did it again - no LSD though, just molly. And a lot of it. I ate my .3 grams and then I must have had another .2 grams from a friend, so more than .5g all at once. Stupid? It was a combination of not knowing drug strength and an overwhelming desire to get fucked up. I was at a concert with my friend and her boyfriend, let's call them A and B. I don't think that either of them realized how much I'd eaten, and just as the band took the stage the molly hit with rage. I was losing control, fast. I panicked and ran for the stairs where I tripped over things and nearly collapsed, but then dragged myself up, found A in the crowd, and ran back for the stairs, her following . My entire body was numb, I felt like I was going to pass out, it was utter terror. A is a wonderful, beautiful girl, and she knew just what to do - she grabbed my face and pulled it straight up to hers, stared into my eyes, and explained that it was all in my head, that my body was fine and I was perfectly safe. She said this nice and slow to me for about ten minutes, and it was the most calming experience.

We made our way back to the crowd and the Lips were tearing it up. For the next couple of hours I was drunk on love, as were A and B. A kept rubbing my head and telling me how much she loved me and respected me, even though her boyfriend was right there, but this E love was platonic anyway. And it was mutual - I loved the two of them, a lot, platonically. I even resolved to do anything for them if they ever asked, for the rest of my life. I danced a lot, although I think my beat was way off, my mind was wandering too much to pay attention to the show.

So then it was time to head home. At this point, the trip had changed. I was no longer in that love-mode, I was now super-content, happy as can be. My mind was more lucid than it had ever been, everything was crystal clear. I had no fear or anxiety about anything, no feeling to rush at all! And the amazing thing is that I did not feel like I was high or on a drug...I felt like me, like this is the first time I've ever been who I was meant to be. It was like, whatever holds there were on my personality were totally gone, and as much as I knew this condition would end in a few hours, it felt so much like it never would. Because I wasn't on a drug, I was just being me! When we got back to town we hit the bars before last call, and I never felt so on top of things in a bar before. I talked with strangers, laughed, had an incredible freekin time, and then at 2 am the doors closed and we were forced to leave. We wandered the streets for another hour, just talking and having a blast, but then the painful part came when we had to split up. A and B went home, presumably to have sex, and I went home alone to my bed, where I found my ex-gf sleeping on my couch (haha thats another story).

I woke up today and went to work, and I felt pretty detached. I think the post-E sadness doesn't come from a rebound seratonin loss, but from having experienced all that love and then having lost it, and wanting it back. Granted, my brain was probably fried from having to work so hard, but more than anything, I wanted to be with A and B and be on E and all that. So now, like with my first E trip a month ago, I'm left wondering, how do I make this experience better my life? What can I learn from it? Sadly, I'm not sure what to do. I wish I had the lucid mind from last night to help me out, but I'm stuck with this depressed, anxious, boring sober mind. Until, of course, I dose again. But I don't want to take that magic ride again until I am prepared to learn something from it. I need to grab a hold of it while it's happening and not let go.


A few other things to think about...

- were the things that were said, between A and I, hallucinatory? I mean, were they genuine? I have never, ever had someone say such nice things to me as A said to me, literally inches from my face while we were both rolling. Yet even then, it was hard to believe that these things were real, because it was the drug talking.


- Am I really that fucked up normally? The difference between my normal self and my rolling self is so immense, I'm left wondering, why am I so fucked up in my normal life? I know, you're chalking up the trip to a massive seratonin rush or whatever, but I swear, that was my *real* personality that came out last night.

yea

 

Awesome that you got to see The Lips at Red Rocks, I love seeing shows there.
I agree with you. The sadness comes from feeling so great, so easily, and then it’s gone. But what you have said yourself is you felt like yourself.

I know for me personally I used to be very shy. The first time I took MDMA, I got so social. I was just walking up to random people and talking. That was so unlike me. It was a strange feeling because like half way through it I realized what I had just done. Then I thought why was I so afraid to do this before, they are talking back. I felt like this was the person I always wanted to be. I got that same real personality feeling.

The next day I felt kind if sad because I felt like the same old shy boring person again. I thought maybe it all hadn’t been real too. But then I thought I don’t nessasairly need E to still be that person. It wasn’t the pill that had talked to people, and made friends, it was all me.

All that pill did was take my inhabitions away. Same thing for you, It’s like Buddha said, there is no greater poison then doubt.
But everyone has doubt, everyone has that little voice that says maybe you can’t. MDMA shuts that guy up for a few hours I suppose.

But I think what was said between you and your friends is valid. That is why MDMA was originally used in therapy. It makes it very easy for people to open up.

 

I'd definatly side on that it was definatly YOU you talking, with the drug as a medium. You can definatly use this experience to better your life; whenever your feeling down or afraid or anxious, just remember the feelings you felt and it should help you through. And i'm sure your feelings for A and I will continue to strengthen your relationship.

That being said, I also wanna add that you shouldn't spend all your thoughts consumed by desire to take more of the drug. You don't wanna end up creating another one of those "How Can I Get the Magic Back?" threads. The empathy you feel on the drug can certainly have a positive impact on your life, but don't forget that you can achieve that even while sober.

I just say that becasue you sound like you're giving all the credit to your happiness to the drug, and if you do that then your only source of happiness becomes the drug.

 

it was all real, and it was all the drug as well.

 

thanks for the responses guys



tell me though, how much molly would it take to OD? I can't find any real numbers on the net, except that 200mg is "heavy". Granted, there's a lot of variance, but how foolish was it for me to take 500mg? I'm not sure if I actually OD'd or if I just panicked.

 

MDMA is actually relativly "safe" in terms of overdose potential (in terms of ratio of Effective Dose vs. Lethal Dose). It depends on your weight, but I think you would need like 5 grams (5000mg) to OD.

 

naw man you took an upper range but still common dose. I've done a gram in a night, and i was never what you would call an "e head".