annoyed? What should i do?

Firstly, my girlfriends parents annoy me a lot! They're probably nice people in general (I've only met them once or twice, even though we've been going out for almost a year) They're just kind of weird... and they annoy me because they are extremely protective of her, and they don't like it when we go out, even though they personally have nothing against me. And she's always "afraid" to ask them if she can come over, or if we can go out and do things... So, it really limits the amount of time we can spend together...

And her friends annoy the hell out of me too, i don't think they like me much but i couldn't care less because i never talk to them and i hang out with a completely different group of people. But the thing is, i rarely get to see her at school because she's always with her friends. And she says she wants to see me more at school, but shes one of those extremely nice people that hates dissapointing people and feels as if she has to apologize for everything! And her friends always get "mad" at her when she hangs out with me, i guess they're jealous that she's "ditching" them for me? So, she tends not to hang out with me at school cause she doesn't like her friends getting upset... but that pisses me off, cause what about me? Are her friends more important them me? They're just friends...

So, between her not wanting to leave her friends at school, and her not wanting to ask her parents if she can see me on the weekends, we rarely see each other much... like... once or so a week, but i am in one of her classes so we see each other then, but other than that... rarely ever.

now i know these aren't just excuses, because i've known her for years, and she truly does love me and cries how she misses me all the time, but its a little irritating how i never get to see her because of how her friends are apparently "more important" and how she doesn't like talking about me to her parents because of how protective they are... What should i do? I really do love her, but this makes me so mad and makes me not even wanna talk to her

I know once we graduate in a few months, it'd be a lot better... Because she wouldn't be at school with her friends any more, and she would seem a bit more "grown up" and have more freedom with her parents i guess.... So, should i just keep on living like this for a few months and hope it gets better after we grad? or just dump her now.... but i don't know if i want to break up with her, because she's pretty much my best friend and girlfriend, she's the only person i enjoy talking to and we talk 24/7 literally... So i just don't know! Advice needed...

 

Your situation sounds like middle school drama to me.

Imho, there are some issues on her end that you can work out. But what you can do as a boyfriend is make a game plan and ask her to make a game plan and set days (like every friday where it's just you and her time)

Married couples have to deal with a similar situation of like being near each other but always passing each other due to life's responsibilities. For example, one or both partners work all the time and then kids are involved, so there's minimal contact.

What you are going through is quite normal, and I'd recommend enduring it, but approach her with this topic in mind with some possible solutions. Also if her friends have a problem with her not being there 80% of the time with them, then that's kinda of a bad support group of friends for you girlfriend, especially if it's not what she really wants.

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Also you need to realize that a girl's network of friends IS extremely important a said girl/woman. There are the emotional support network (assuming they're good friends) that a girl relies on when major stuff happens in their life, (a funeral, breakups, sex advice, how to talk to your parents advice), it is huge. Guys don't really depend on their network of friends in the same way girls do, so you need to understand why your girlfriend is feeling pulled in two directions.

Also you guys should also not expect to talk 24/7, it's just not realistic, although I know in high school (or are you in middle school?) it feels like it SHOULD be that way.

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As for her parent's just treat your girl right, show her parents you aren't there to use and dumb her or hurt her and in time they should warm up to you.

 

Yes, it does seem like middle school drama and its quite immature considering our ages.

But I get what you mean with the whole friend thing, as a guy i definatly don't understand as to why her friends are of such importance.

But I don't think i'm helping the situation much, I don't know whats wrong with me. Some days i love her and want to be with her more than anything, but then other days, such as now, I don't even want to talk to her, just the littlest things throw me off when it comes to her.

Like, all weekend we have been planning for her to come over today, but just now today she tells me how she's so nervous to ask her parents if she can come over... like, why? It literally makes no sense at all to me, she has been over to my house endless amounts of time... so why now all of a sudden is she nervous? She doesn't get nervous when asking to go out with her friends... so why with me? It seems extremely childish and annoying of her, so i asked her "do your parents not like me or something?" and she's like "i don't even know!" i've only talked to her mom twice, and have never even seen her dad... so how could they not like me? I do everything for her, so they have no reason to dislike me... It's all in her mind i'm sure, so it's irritating. I really don't even want her over now so i'm hoping she just forgets about it and ends up not asking them anything...

 

Hmmm, you've said you've known this girl (who is now your gf) for years? How long we talking and what was her past behavior as a friend like?

I still blame the urges to be with her and then some days not be with her on hormones man. Don't let those little buggers confuse you, I suggest meditation.

 

I've known her for about 7 years, but we never talked at all for the first 5, we just went to the same school, and we've been talking for about 2 years, and going out for 1 year almost.

But i dunno if its hormones... she just kind of irritates me even though i love her, i always want to break up with her even though i wouldn't know what to do without her, its almost as if i'm self-destructive...

but about her being irritating, she seems all sad and upset now for no reason at all, and is barely talking, and i bet you anything in a few hours she will be telling me whats wrong and will be all like "i need a hug " or something like that... and that pisses me off because like, i just invited her over today... but she didn't come because she was to nervous to ask her parents? like wtf is that? What 17 year old is to nervous to ask their parents for a ride to their boyfriends house... it's retarded, so really... i couldn't care less that she misses me, i have no sympathy... it's her own fault

 

If you're already having this many problems with her, and her having friends that she feels she needs to spend a lot of time with... chances are very high that things aren't going to work out. That sounds cold and harsh, but it's the truth. If you think of a way to discuss this with her, you might be able to stay friends. However, if you let it keep going, and eventually get so upset that you blow up at her (which is where it's heading)... you probably won't keep her as a friend.
So, it's really up to you on when you want to break up, and if you want to be friends afterwards. If you end it now and stay friends... there's a chance that later on down the road, after you've both matured... things could work out. However, if you don't... you can pretty much write it off.

Sorry...

 

Yeah i get what you mean, but i just don't know... Like, there are days that i do want to break up with her, but i know if i do i'll regret it, because most of the days she's amazing and i feel as if i want to be with her forever. Like, i have a lot of friends and stuff, but i don't really like any of them that much? So, other than her, i literally talk to nobody at all once i leave school... so, if i break up with her, my social life is pretty much gone, seeing as how shes the only person i talk to/do things with outside of school.

But that isn't the only reason, I really do care about her, but then there are these certain days like today when she just irritates me and i want nothing to do with her, but then by later tonight or maybe even tomorrow we will be 100% back to normal... this happens all the time, one day we're both completly happy and are having the best time, then the next day she's all depressed for no reason and i'm all annoyed and want nothing to do with her... it makes no sense, i don't get why it happens...

I feel as if i don't want to be with her now, in school, but we're graduating shortly and i keep thinking it'll get better after we graduate, because the main reasons i get annoyed with her are because of her parents and friends, and they wont be as big of a part of her life after graduation...

Plus i'm in the same class as her, and its a cooking class and we're partners... imagine how awkward that would be if we broke up, and i have no other friends in that class cause... well, i'm a guy... and, its a cooking class... lol

 

Well, I can't tell you how dangerous this is. You need to actively seek out and find some more friends. Friends that aren't her friends... Because, I still stick by what I said about how it's not going to last. When it does end, you're going to need a couple of buds that you can hang out with.

I know exactly what you mean about some days you're fine, and other days you just want to walk out. Again, this doesn't bode well... but you either need to man up and do what it takes to make the relationship work. You need to push those thoughts of walking out, out of your head. Or, you need to man up and do the right thing, by doing what is best for the both of you, and take some time.

About cooking class being awkward... it could very well be. But it'll be even more awkward, or one of you will drop out, if you break up on a bad note. It's not an easy decision either way... If you can hold out till graduation, then all the more power to you. However, things will most likely not change as drastically as you think they will. Unless she's got a place set and she's ready to move out of her parents house, they'll still be a major factor. Her friends will also still want to spend major time with her after you're finished with school, as well.

The biggest problem comes down to the fact that you don't like her parents or her friends, and you get upset with her very easily. If her parents are such a problem for you, how are you going to continue the relationship? You're talking about the single biggest part of her life. She's spent the last 17 (guessing) years with them, and they will most likely always be involved in her life in some way. If you can't stand them (and you think she might be "the one"), then are you going to be able to eventually call them "mom and dad"? Do you love them enough to make them your family?
Her friends are always going to be an important part of her life, too. Boyfriends come and go, but friends (for the most part) will always stick by her. So, be careful not to dis her friends or family in any way.

You just need to think very long and very hard on whether or not you want to put up with both of those parts of her life. Because they are very important and very large parts. The other thing you need to think about, is those mood swings. They aren't going to go away over night. They will continue to be a problem for both of you.

I really hate saying all those things... but you REALLY need to think about them. Very seriously... for a long time. Again, I'm sorry.

 

I agree, i think i need to take time to think about this seriously. And about her parents, i don't dislike her parents, i've barely ever even met them, I just think they're extremely over protective from what she tells me, and i don't like that. But besides that, i have no issue with them. And her friends are kind of snobs, and she is like the complete opposite from them... so i don't understand why she hangs out with them all.

I only get irritated by the fact that she chooses her friends over me because she always says how her friends ignor her, and don't treat her well, and she's kind of like the "back-up" friend that people only talk to when they have nobody else to talk to... And the only reason she hangs out with them instead of me is because she doesn't want to hurt their feelings, even though they hurt hers all the time, so it irritates me extremely... why does she choose these people over me even when she complains to me about them constantly?

I just don't get it, any of it. I don't get why her friends have to come before me all the time, even though i treat her so much better than her friends do. I'm always the one she comes to talk to when shes upset or crying, i'm always the one making plans for us to go do stuff, i'm always the one complimenting her and buying her nice things. And she doesn't really do any of that... then when i get upset because of this (i never tell her why i'm upset, i just kind of stop talking to her) she starts to cry and tells me how shes so sorry for anything she's done, and gets all depressed because we aren't talking much, then goes on saying how badly she misses me... If she really misses me why does she still not make the effort to do anything about it?

(I just realized i'm ranting now... lol)

 

She doesn't do anything to change it, because you need to talk to her about it. Don't just stop talking to her and not tell her what's going on. If you want to fix it, then you need to talk about it. Relationships are roads that go both ways... if you want things fixed, you have to be willing to give to the relationship, and talk about ways to fix it.

 

Yess thats true, but i just don't know how to talk about it.

Like, if i tell her what i think about her always choosing to hang out with her friends instead of me, it might just be awkward... Like, i don't want her to feel obligated to have to be with me at school. It might be weird hanging out with her at lunch and stuff if i tell her how i feel about that. And to be honest, i don't even really care about her not hanging out with me at school, it's just the message behind it... how she chooses her friends over me even though they treat her worse.

And there's nothing i can talk to her about with the parent thing, she already knows they're very protective and thats not really any of my business.

 

yes. bros before hoes.


maybe things will be better with her parents if you actually get to know them.

 

In this case, chicks before dicks* apparently lol

And true, but she never really takes any initiative to invite me over to meet her parents, and its not like i want to really meet them badly enough to invite myself over haha

 

it doesn't sound like she takes initiative to do much of anything. i wonder if she has self esteem issues.

if her parents are causing such issues with your relationship, you should probably want to really meet them. sometimes you just have to man up and tackle your problems, even if you don't really want to.

 

She probably does, all her life growing up she always used to be ditched by her friends, or they would simply "out-grow" her, and she had no friends for years. Probably why she's afraid to leave her friends to be with me now, she's also always paranoid about me leaving her aswell.

And i don't really get it ether, because she is honestly one of the most beautiful girls ever, she's extremely good looking plus an A+ student. So i don't get whats wrong with her.

And yea thats true, but i don't want to go meet her parents if she doesn't want me to. Her parents are also a lot different than mine, my parents are still pretty young, not strict at all, and divorced. Where as her parents are old, about the age of my grandparents, and are extremely strict and protective.

 

if you KNOW she loves you and wants to be with you.... play some hard to get. flirt with other girls, and let her see that. go out and do your OWN thing more often (go to parties, hang out with people, start going to the gym, do more activities, etc).. not that I'm saying 'making her jealous will bring her closer'... but forreal, it probably will.

and if it doesn't work, and if she doesn't have enough balls to just make more time for you/make things work with you (because of her parents/having friends).. she probably isn't worth being with anyway!

 

while i refuse to advocate game-playing (although it does tend to work), it is probably a good idea to branch out a bit and learn to have a good time without her.

 

I agree.

But... you HAVE to be willing to talk about things, even if you're afraid that it'll make things more awkward. The only way to make things work, is if both of you know what is going on and where the other one stands on how the relationship is working. She won't know she needs to fix anything, if you don't let her know. Contrary to popular belief, women can't read minds either. If you want things fixed, you have to go through some uncomfortable times...

I know you said you don't know how to talk about it... but, there's really not much to figure out. You start of with, "____, we need to talk about something. As you know, I sometimes get distant, and you've wanted to know why. Please don't get upset, but...."
That's about it. You can do it, brother. You have to if you want things to work out. Not saying things will cause misunderstandings. Her mind will create all kinds of scenarios as to why you're being more distant.

 

it's not really playing 'games' to tell someone to make themselves less available, so that said person might want or appreciate you more...

would you rather have someone throw themselves at you, or have you work a little for it..?

 

Reading some of the newest posts since I was last involved in this conversation. It sounds like your girlfriend is the one girl who get's shunned by other girl groups because she's "the total 10" (hot on the outside, smart, kind), all very threatening qualities to girls.

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that among guys in your school there are whispering dirty things they'd like to do to her (maybe even as a joke, but half-serious as well trust me). This kinda gossip causes girls to befriend girls like your GF, so that she isn't as much of a threat (I think the term is frienemy, and could explain why they are passive-aggressive towards her)

Your girlfriend just has to realize her own self-worth, give her a pep-talk and I'm not just taking about the generic pep talks, slip her notes while you share a table and tell her to open a note when she feels down. This might not fix the problem, because ultimately that's on her but as a boyfriend you should understand the dynamic that goes on between girls in high school, it explains their behavior towards each other a LOT more.

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I should also add, that I do agree with most everything else the others have posted. But I DISAGREE with the playing-head-games part (like hard-to-get), it sometimes works but it's a HUGE risk and I've seen it make situations worse.

Do everything with an honest intention, not one of trickery. If you need space from her to think, tell her that and tell her why while keeping a calm level of emotion and a cool head. Do not yell at her she is already in an emotionally sensitive place as it is.

Also, I need more detail on her "parents being protective deal" I don't know if that's just in your gf's head or if there's more facts to prove they are as bad as you've been told.