An apology

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by fexurbis, Apr 24, 2007.

  1. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    I've had run ins with neponiatka and Bella recently and I wish to apologize. There are two issues at work here:

    1) I have an aggressive communication style anyway;

    2) I am embittered and disappointed by gender relations to a great degree, and it often makes it worse. Sometimes I'm able to let go of my resentment (which, it should be understood, is neither toward the posters mentioned above nor toward women generally, but toward the state of gender relations in my social millieu) and some other times I take it off on women I communicate with or meet --- hence my public apology;

    There are two ideas floating around that make my relationship with women (whom I love too much for my own good) strained. Those are:

    a) gender roles --- I particularly resent the role of initiator (whereas women are supposed to play the rejecting role);

    b) puritanism --- the idea that sex for sex's sake, and even a frank show of sexual desire is essentially a dirty practice, that should be avoided --- lest you get stds, or be a slut, or a dog, etc. ad naseum...

    Since I've had many discussions regarding the aforementioned, and since my opinions are somewhat dissonant with mainstream thought, I tend to have my arguments at the tip of my tongue, and go for the jugular.

    Even though I'm tremedously bitter in my solitude at this moment (partially because I see no way out), I'll try to ask questions more often than make affirmations, and listen to everyone's arguments as though I've heard them for the first time.

    But no guarantees, I have my weaknesses.

    Comments are appreciated.
     
  2. Bella Désordre

    Bella Désordre Charmed

    Thank you. That was very sweet of you to apologize. I understand your points even if we have opposite opinions.
     
  3. sexbanshee

    sexbanshee Member

    I have been the initiator in all of my
    relationships....

    Hope that makes things seem a little
    easier...

    ...although having said that I seem to be
    in a minorty....

    ...a lot of women seem to think they should
    be pursued by men...

    I never had the time for all that stuff...i just
    liked to get in there...too impatient...

    Aries on the ascendant lol!!
     
  4. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    My kind of woman indeed you are! lol. It's funny, I would love to feel allowed to initiate towards women. But I don't...

    I feel I can do no right --- I'm either a macho pig or a wimp...I can't win. It's impossible for me to look at a woman innocently anymore: I'm always doing something wrong. And when I don't look, I'm still doing something wrong because my indifference isn't genuine.

    P.S. I released some of my resentment this morining when I finally (after a week of welling up and supressing it because I was busy) broke down and cried. I went through the pictures of my ex-girlfriend and our cats --- how fortunate I am to have met her! --- I cried and cried. As a result I feel much lighter. Bitterness literally makes me gain weight...

    It seems to be a cycle, my resentment and frustration builds over a period of time...I cry. Then my resentments seems to be gone...I go through a period of exhuberance and take delight in the women around me. Then the resentment builds. I cry. And on it goes...

    Any guys (or girls, grrrr) feel that way? lol
     
  5. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    I have to learn how to agree to disagree without resentment. Thanks.

    P.S. That would probably be too much to ask of myself. But what do I know?
     
  6. sexbanshee

    sexbanshee Member

    Yes I understand this for sure...:(

    I too cried most of the day....

    ...with my despair of love and the illusion i
    place around it....

    Glad to hear you can cry .... that is amazing..
    my 80 year old Aries "macho" father hasnt
    stopped crying since my mother died nine
    months ago.........it is such a relief for him i
    feel....

    here....take a ((((hug))) from me...

    ...and some compassion....because your
    post moved me...

    :( :)
     
  7. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    Thanks a lot, honey. Your compassion moves me as well. But we've got to keep going. I love your 80 year-old father already. He's discovered the joys of crying. A significant accomplishment!
     
  8. sexbanshee

    sexbanshee Member

    Aaahh thanks!!

    When my ma was alive (and I often wondered from
    a genetic stance where I inherited my abundnance of
    emotion) i asked her who I had inherited all my
    tears from..(she was qute unemotional)...

    She told me Dad was very easily moved, but never
    cared to show it in front of myself and sister......

    One day he came into the house crying and she asked
    him what was wrong. He told her a limo had driven up
    to the house next door and four young men stepped out
    of it (they had been to a deb's ball).

    It had made him cry...when she asked why, he replied
    "aaahhh youth how fleeting it is"....

    And so now I know where I come from and why I too
    am also so easily moved...

    :)
     
  9. sexbanshee

    sexbanshee Member

    When I say he has learned to cry since her death....
    she didnt like him crying and used to say "stop it"
    like some would to a child....

    Maybe I should have phrased that "he has learned to
    cry freely"

    Bless him...:)
     
  10. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    The WWII generation! How much love I have for them! Despite thier hard-nosedness, and perhaps because of it!!!
     
  11. sexbanshee

    sexbanshee Member

    Hmmm....

    Love maybe....but for me also came
    a nasty tate in my mouth....

    And many sessions of intense psycho
    therapy..

    I have never found anything either
    healthy or endearing about telling
    anyone to stiffle the most important
    thing for human growth.....

    free flowing emotion!

    It is the cause of most of our disease

    :(
     
  12. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    I may be wrong, but I find hard-nosed indiffirence just as important as free-flowing emotion. Free-flowing emotion only may lead to none other than suicide IMHO.
     
  13. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    I may be wrong, but I find hard-nosed indifference just as important as free-flowing emotion. Free-flowing emotion only may lead to none other than suicide IMHO.
     
  14. neponiatka

    neponiatka Senior Member

    thanks :)

    i think gender roles are smth imaginary though
     
  15. sexbanshee

    sexbanshee Member

    Dear Fex (I always think of feck off when I
    see your name lol)

    I dont think you are wrong for YOU

    But hard nose indifference has almost been
    the death of me.....but then again I am a woman
    who lives in a very emotional (inner) world....

    Suicide....hmmm....maybe baby......

    Still here so far and am quite OLD as you know

    lol
    :)
     
  16. fexurbis

    fexurbis Member

    sexbanshee, I don't know if you're old, but you're certainly one of the sweetest I've come across in this forum. And sophisticated too. Love it.

    Suicide always looms large in my life. Must mean I'll live to see 90. lol
     

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