In the past 4 years Ive had a lot of "relationships" but never one where i really have been serious about committing to a full monogamist labeled relationship. When i just got out of high school my first day of college i met a girl.. It wasn't love at first site or even lust, but i knew this girl was special. As if when i was around this girl there was an extra ray of light in my world. Around this time she wasnt really anything ide stress over just a person i loved to run into on occasion and be around. She had a boyfriend anyway at the time and i wasnt looking for any sort of meaningful relationship at that age. Fast forward nearly 3 years later. She went to a different college about 4 hours away the past 2 years but is still always home for summer, holidays, etc. We always ran into each other and the same thing until this summer... We got real close. Talked nearly everyday and became great friends we both would talk about how we both don't believe in serious relationships this young. Her reason is wanting to be free to live. I basically believe the same thing i feel im too young and still growing so no matter who ide date we would eventually grow apart since we still have so much to go through before settling down. But this summer I would catch hints a lot if i talked about the girls i was seeing etc ide hurt he feelings. I mean i know we have a "thing" but i was caught off guard by her having enough feelings to be hurt (although im also just not a jealous person by nature). The only time we ever talked about our feelings was one night i was real drunk at a summer pool party and we were laying on a trampoline away from the party. (i dont remember word for word) but she asked me what i wanted basically and i got a bit closer to kiss her. She basically told me she thought i was playing games with her. Because though i explained i dont want a real relationship and she knows i don't lie. i tell that to girls who im just hooking up with too just because ide rather be an i warned you than a asshole lying. Instead of being smart i kind of got up and walked away im sure she thought i was mad she wouldnt kiss me but the reason was because i didnt want to say anything i couldnt take back. Im not ready for a relationship with her and i really didnt even wanna kiss her. I just feel things like that would just become the new bar everytime i seen her. We would kiss. About 5 mins later she was ready to leave so we got 2 other friends who rode with us and left. (next day we hung out first thing in the morning i had a few friends over my house to swim) we didnt mention it. End of the summer she started sort of talking to a guy i didnt care i was talking to a girl at the time and it wasnt serious i didnt think hers was either but a lot of friends were at a baseball game (she was with him) and she walked up to say hey to me. i was pretty drunk. those dollar night draft beers will get ya lol. but she gave me a big hug she was about to leave for college in a few days told me she was gonna miss me etc i told her i loved her. but too drunk to be taken serious. she gave me a big hug for like 30 seconds and that was the first time we kissed. made out like 5 secs and i pulled back and said what are we doing. (we were in the middle of like 50 of our friends and i loved it but just wasnt the time or place) she continued to not let the hug go for like 20 more seconds but i was feeling kinda awkward like the girl i was with was gonna slap the shit out of me or the guy come try to start a fight someone tell one of them etc. so she goes to college. we have a text here n there but im not really a keep in touch kind of guy more like a call me when your visiting. so every time she comes home we've hung out and its same thing we kiss a bit but don't discuss feelings. Thanksgiving brake was the last time i saw her and i completely cut things off. not in an asshole way at all just acting more like a coworker in terms of friendliness than a friend. Im just trying to move kind of and find a new girl to really care for that's around. Ive been craving a more serious relationship. Between thanksgiving and Christmas i did quite of bit of lsd. i convinced myself one night i need to cut things off with her because its not worth the hassle trying to get that one girl. If youve ever done lsd you know what i mean when you can trip. and when youve come down. Feelings can remain. I basically put an emotional block on her in my mind. On the night i tripped hard and when i came down i simply put her in my past like a favorite childhood movie you love but you dont exactly wanna sit n watch it. But tonight i went to a bar in town meeting some friends. about 5 mins after i go in her and one of her friends walk in. it was like the first time i ever saw her all over again. until she came up and hugged me told me she missed me. I felt like i was going to cry. We talked about 5 secs but her friend was wanting her to go to the bathroom with her really bad so she went of course. I go sit with my friends she comes over about 5 mins later. Hugs miss you etc. She running her hands through my hair standing beside my chair Memories were rushing back like a river. I had already promised some other friends i was meeting them plus she had her own friends there missing her since she was at my table. so after about 10 mins of feeling awkward and uncomfortable not knowing how to tell her what was going through my head (i mean i cant exactly say hey i dropped enough acid to quit stressing over you). I feel like ive had a void in my heart the past few months that was finally filled tonight. But i got up to leave and she give me a hug told me she missed me i said i love you and she just buried her head on my shoulder and started kissing my neck slightly not like bar whore style im sure it just looked like a hug to anyone not behind me and staring hard. At this point it was like my chest had a bowling ball inside it I felt as if i just melted and realized how much i love this girl. My head dropped my hands suddenly tightened and slide down her waist. and when she pulled away it was like a movie we looked each other in the eye and i felt like we were the only 2 people in the world. I just said i got to go but Ill see you soon. Feeling both extremely happy and so sad to leave her. I dont think i could have got any more words out of my mouth other than will you marry me. But Moral of the story now that you know a little about us. What should i do. I realize now i love this girl. i love her to death. but we cant even date right now shes only in town 2 weeks and has to go back to school. I dont want to pursue my feelings because what if we do have sex. it would be the new bar everytime we see each other. I dont want her to turn into just some friends with benefits one night stand girl. Should i go for it. or Continue on and be patient until the time is right for us to be together. ^ this option feels like a damn chick flick but its the truth. its like were magnets trying to come together with the magnets of the universe pulling us apart at the same time
Damnit! I can't believe I read that whole thing. That better be real, because it's fucking sexy and it took me several minutes to read. You could probably stand to stop setting so many strict limits on yourself "you don't want any serious relationship" "you can't kiss her or sleep with her because it sets the bar" blah blah Just kiss her dammit! This *is* like a movie and it's stressing me out. Stop holding out.
4 things: 1. First off use commas and periods, you have no grammar at all in that post and it ruins the flow of How that should be read. 2. Using drugs to curb and emotional problem is usually gonna make things worse so I advise you stop that. 3. Understand that you should probably amend your philosophy on serious relationships from not believing in them to being skeptical about them and therefore reluctant to try one, but not absolutely against it if the right girl came along, and both individuals have a gameplan. This you should communicate to her stone cold sober. 4. Ask yourself if you gonna always regret not going after her relationship wise. She won't wait on the market forever (is she single you didn't confirm her current status?) if you are gonna regret not establishing a relationship with her then go for it have a large discussion and set some ground rules for how a long distant situation is going to work.
