I think I've been searching for love, but have constantly gotten hurt somehow. My parents are divorced and I had to see this messy process when I was little so maybe that has had an effect on me. Anyhow... I try to take the long story short: ''First big hit''(after many small ones before): I fell for this 'bad guy', was so in love with him, but nothing happened so I decided to take action - I told him from face to face: ''I've fallen in love with you'' and he answered: ''oh, wow, really? Didn't expect that. But I don't feel anything for you tho...'' I thought I could handle these words and I acted as I could, I was staying strong in front of him, he couldn't see any of the hurt I went through. But it threw me down, pulled me from the clouds. And I never really got over him until my ''Third hit''. ''Second hit'': Met this awesome guy, bit older than me and I still believe that our souls are made from the same part. We went out for a few dates, got along well, I kind of fell for him already and then the next thing I know - he goes in to relationship. All this time he had already had someone in his head, trying to get this other girl. Then who the hell was I?! After that I found myself kissing a stranger in some spa in Germany while I was visiting my mom. (I've never kissed a stranger like that) Today we still talk after a while, but every time I meet up with him, I get this terrible struggle in my stomach. ''Third hit'': I fucking fell for my teacher! He's the same age as my second hit was and I started to notice him on my second year. He had my attention because at this one meeting we had with our school council he looked at me in this special way. We sat across each other and then our glances met while some other teacher was making a presentation of a topic or smth. He just stared at me, right in the soul and I stared back. It must of been several seconds before he broke it off and started to ignore my eyes til the end of this meeting. After that quite a lot started to happen - long story short again: I fell for him, thinking that he feels the same, after about 80 e-mails we had exchanged and many hours spent in his classroom alone with him I couldn't carry this on and made a little mistake... I called him in the middle of the night, when I was drunk, celebrating my birthday with friends. He took the call, but I couldn't say the words, I froze and we had about 40sec long call filled with silence and a deep sigh by him. morning after i sent him a message where I told everything. Later at school he said that I was imagining all of it, that nothing of it was real - all those glances, butterflies, electricity in the air and so on. I literally thought I was going crazy after this. I still don't know if he was telling a lie - trying to make 'the right thing' by scaring me away from him or was it the truth - It was really all just in my head?! The third hit got me hard...I still check his FB after a while, tho I'm trying my best to get over him...again having the trouble to get over someone. This happened this year. So now it's summer after this and I need to find something good for my heart. So there I was, in a festival where we hanged around with two guys - one that I once saw two years ago at the same festival and the other (his friend) that I saw for the first time. It was clear that his friend started to like me from the very first moment he saw me. But he doesn't have the looks that I prefer. At the last day I knew that the familiar guy from two years back also liked me... They both liked me. And I kind of liked both of them. I felt major chemistry between me and the familiar guy and with the new guy I seemed to have very much in common. I tilted to the chemistry - it was our last night together and the familiar guy said that he's gonna go to sleep. Everyone said goodbyes and he left. I felt spontaneous and after sneaking out from the crew I tried to find him so that I could just go and kiss him. Just like that. Even tho we were both sober. I just felt that I need to kiss him, whatever happens. But I couldn't find him and had to go back to the others. As the night went along I suddenly discovered myself between the new guys hands. We were sharing a blanket and before I knew it - he kissed me. Don't know why, but I went along with it. In the morning I understood how much I signify to him, how much he really cares and then I felt like a total jerk! I fell for his friend, but still went along with him, when he kissed me and got his hopes high. Even now... Almost 24 hours later... When I think of this night, I rather think of this spontaneous kiss that I wanted to do than of the real kiss which really took place and changed someone else's life. I guess I feel like a slut somehow (tho I'm a virgin). Did I use this guy? Was I reckless and mean? And how can I form feelings for someone so fast? Am I that desperate? Why am I getting these errors in my life when ever I try to find some love?
No, I don't think you're broken, maybe a bit romantically inexperienced. I don't think it makes you a slut either. You probably feel that way because you have certain standards and you feel you've settled in that situation. Sometimes things happen. It makes you human.
Well i can relate to you in matter of falling for the wrong person at the right time. True love is hard to find but don't feel low because of couple of wrong choices. Just keep on trying. As for the kiss incident it sure is in moral grey area but then you said that you liked them both. Don't feel bad about it. Just don't settle something you don't fully want. And keep the search going.
