Alright now it is Astology Fun !

After Sex Comments by Sun Sign:
​

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"

Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."

Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"

Cancer: "When are we getting married?"

Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"

Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."

Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."

Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."

Sagittarius: "Don't call me--I'll call you."

Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"

Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"

Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"

:lol:

 

How Many Members of Your Sign
Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb?​

ARIES: Just one. Wanna make something of it?

TAURUS: Well, I prefer natural light if at all possible. Are you absolutely positive that lightbulb is burned out? I hate to throw it away if it still might be useful.

GEMINI: Probably one is best, because if there are more than one, they'll get so wrapped up in talking to each other that they'll forget all about the lightbulb.

CANCER: Only one, as long as his mommy holds his hand.

LEO: Leos do not change their own lightbulbs. They find someone else to do it for them.

VIRGO: 1.11111119873, give or take .00000000000013%.

LIBRA: Well, I could do it, unless of course you'd prefer to do it, but you look sort of busy right now. What do you want to do?

SCORPIO: None, because Scorpios aren't afraid of the dark.

SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got the rest of our lives ahead of us and you're worrying about a stupid light bulb?

CAPRICORN: I don't have time for these foolish jokes.

AQUARIUS: Well, you see, energy is really matter and matter is really energy and light is a form of energy but the light bulb is matter, and--

PISCES: What light bulb?

 

SUN SIGN PRAYERS JUST FOR FUN ​

ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"

TAURUS: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in my life, but NOT YET."

GEMINI: "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"

CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend on you so much, but you're the only One I can count on while my security blanket is at the cleaners."

LEO: "Hi, Pop! I'll bet you're really proud to have me as your kid!"

VIRGO: "Dear God, please make the world a better place, and don't screw it up like you did the last time."

LIBRA: "Dear God, I know I should make decisions for myself. But, on the other hand, what do YOU think?"

SCORPIO: "Dear God, help me forgive my enemies, even if the bastards don't deserve it."

SAGITTARIUS: "OH ALMIGHTY, ALL KNOWING, ALL-LOVING, ALL-POWERFUL, OMNIPRESENT, EVERLASTING GOD, IF I'VE ASKED YOU ONCE, I'VE ASKED YOU A THOUSAND TIMES --- HELP ME STOP EXAGGERATING!!!!!!!!!!"

CAPRICORN: "Dear Father, I was going to pray, but I guess I ought to figure things out for myself. Thanks anyway."

AQUARIUS: "Hi God! Some say you're a man. Some say you're a woman. I say we're ALL God. So, why pray? Let's have a party!"

PISCES: "Heavenly Father, as I prepare to consume this last fifth of Scotch to drown out my pain and sorrow, may my inebriation be for Thy greater Honor and Glory."

 

HUMOROSCOPE
​

http://www.portalmix.com/english/horoscope.htm

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding

TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.

GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.

CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.

LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.

VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.


LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.

SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.

SAGITTARIUS
You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.

CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered **** and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.

AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.

PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.

 

How many does it take to change a lightbulb? ​

Aries:They changed it already.

Taurus: Taurus gets bulbs that don't need changing.

Gemini:At least two to take out the old bulb, two to shop for a new one, two to write a book about it and two more to discuss it on a talk show.

Cancer:Their mom's change it for them. Anyway, they'd light a candle if they have to.

Leo: None. Their domestic service professionals will change it.

Virgo: Usually just one. However, they will need to clean the sockets, read comparative consumer information about light bulbs, check the wiring and read all the warranties, gaurantees and refund policies.

Libra: Well, at least two to shop for the bulb, and a couple more to look for accessories, and maybe a couple more to return the bulb if it didn't work and do lunch.

Scorpio: A Scorpio light bulb isn't changed. It's transformed. You just push a button and activate the next life. Why do you ask? Are you a member of a law enforcement agency?

Sagittarians:Sagittarians don't change lightbulbs, but they can teach you how to do it, for a fat fee.

Capricorn:Their secretaries will get back to you.

Aquarians:Aquarians don't have to change lightbulbs. They can invent better ones.

Pisces: O dear God, I don't know. O that's it, the bulb will change itself, if it is God's will.

 

Excuses of the Zodiac​

We all have our excuses and can always use a new one. Do these remind you of anyone you know?

ARIES: I didn't do it. They dared me to do it. I didn't know it was loaded. I had to do it. I had no idea I was going so fast. It was an accident. It's a free country man. I can do what I want to do.

TAURUS: It was on sale. I didn't know that it would cost that much. I though I was saving money. I meant to bring it back sooner. I had a sore throat. I've been doing it that way for years.

GEMINI: Huh? What? I don't know what you're talking about. Who, me? I had no idea this would happen. My (sister, brother) did it. I had a cold.

CANCER: It's practically a family tradition. I felt like doing it. I didn't feel like doing it. They put something in the water supply. I had a stomach ache. It all started in my childhood.

LEO: I didn't know anybody was watching. I wasn't thinking clearly, I had a fever. I have special privileges. I had a back ache.

VIRGO: My accountant told me it was OK. My doctor told me to do it. I didn't know what I was doing. I couldn't help myself. My allergies were acting up. It was that damn medicine.

LIBRA: I only did it because my spouse does it. (He, She, It, The devil) made me do it. I was having personal problems. Can we compromise on this somehow?

SCORPIO: I was in the mood. It's a tax write off. I didn't think I'd get caught. I didn't mean to do it. No one else has to know about it. Get a warrant. Talk to my lawyer. They thought I was going to die. I didn't know what the hell I was doing.

SAGITTARIUS: I had to do it or somebody would sue me. My lawyer told me it was OK. What's the big deal? The government's to blame. It's a (racist, sexist, politically incorrect) thing. It must have been something I ate.

CAPRICORN: It's nothing serious. I was only following orders. It all happened so fast. I had to see a doctor. My job got to me. We really need the money.

AQUARIUS: Everybody else was doing it. It was the cool thing to do. My computer had a virus. So what? What are you going to do about it? Who cares about the stupid rules anyway?

PISCES: I was under the influence. God told me to do it. I was doing God's will. They put something in my food. I thought I could stop before any real damage was done. I didn't notice what time it was. I forgot. Did I really have that many?

 

The Perverse Guide to Sun Signs​

http://hipforums.com/forums/newreply.php?do=newreply&noquote=1&p=3046229

ARIES (Mar23-Apr22)
You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

TAURUS (Apr23-May22)
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You're nothing but a damned communist.

GEMINI (May23-Jun22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER (Jun23-Jul22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

LEO (Jul23-Aug22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherf*ers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

VIRGO (Aug23-Sep22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your family, friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and ofter fall asleep while f*ing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sep23-Oct22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of Venereal Diseases.

SCORPIO (Oct22-Nov22)
You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov23-Dec22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are a worthless piece of shit.

CAPRICORN (Dec23-Jan22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

AQUARIUS (Jan 23-Feb22)
You have an intuitive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a f*king asshole.

PISCES (Feb23-Mar22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice. You do nothing but piss off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

 

Favorite Books by Sign ​

Aries: Comic Books

Taurus: Anything about Donald Trump

Gemini: Magazines..I don’t have time for books

Cancer: The Dummies Guide to Emotions and romance books

Leo: Napoleon, Biographies about Conquerors

Virgo: I consult the encyclopedia often, does that count?

Libra: Classics

Scorpio: The Karma Sutra

Sagittarius: Don Juan

Capricorn: Anything political

Aquarius: The Veggi Guide to Eating Right

Pisces: Romeo and Juliet

_________________________________________________

 

Favorite Music by Sign ​

Aries: Moshing of course!

Taurus: Marvin Gaye baby! The better to seduce you with

Gemini: Pop music- hooray for boy bands!

Cancer: Anything moody, especially Pasty Cline

Leo: Ha! I am the musician, I make my own music

Virgo: Mozart

Libra: Well, I don’t know, I like pop, love country, but classical
is cool...what do you think?

Scorpio: The Sex Pistols, NIN, anything sexual

Sagittarius: Exotic music from other places

Capricorn: Elevator music

Aquarius: A little bit of this, whatever grooves me baby!

Pisces: Enya, Sade, classic 80's love songs.

 

Favorite Hobbies by Sign​

Aries: anything physical; sport, business meetings, and yeah! SEX
Taurus: making money
Gemini: no response: was too busy to answer
Cancer: curling up with a good book
Leo: throwing parties
Virgo: what hobbies? I’m too busy...oh ok...I get a kick out of
organizing my book collection.
Libra: Oh geez, well, I like lots of stuff, ya know...what do you like?
Scorpio: polishing my knife collection for all those who dare to cross me.
Sagittarius: traveling, sex with foreigners and roller coasters baby!
Capricorn: I collect stamps.
Aquarius: well, uh...that is...you don’t really want to know do you?
Pisces: does daydreaming count?

 

those are pretty funny

 

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Zodiac Cats (Talking)​

Aries - It's my way, or........no, it's MY way. Let me out NOW - there are other cats in my yard!! The usurpers must be removed at once!

Taurus - I'm sorry, you must be mistaken. This is MY chair. Go find your own. Not the bed, either, I'll be moving there later.

Gemini - Let's see: this morning I have to shred the drapes, nap, chase imaginary shapes, bug hunt, watch the squirrels in the yard, chatter at the birds, arch and run around like a wild animal for no reason, eat, hunt for dust bunnies and still try to work in some time for chasing my ball with the bell in it. I'm simply booked! If you got another cat, I'd have someone to help me with all this.......please, please, please???

Cancer - I bring you birds and mice, and you just ignore them. How will you ever learn to hunt if you don't even try? *sigh*

Leo - You may pet us until we grow tired of your attention, and then we shall smite you mightily. Now - bring us food.

Virgo - What IS this stuff you're trying to feed me?!? *aak* Hairball.

Libra - There is nothing you could possibly have to do that is more important than petting me right now. How can you even thinking of reading when I look so pretty and soft?

Scorpio - Of COURSE I don't mind that you left me alone for the weekend while you went who knows where. I left you some presents, though..........YOU find them.

Sagittarius - I want to go outside! I want to come in! I want to go outside! I want to come in! I want to go outside! I want to come in!!

Capricorn - I simply cannot be bothered with these simple cat toys, no matter how sparkly the bizzy balls are. What is this, catnip? *yawn*

Aquarius - I have no need of material toys and scratching posts; I shall simply sit here in the sun and meditate on the wonder that is me.

Pisces - .....zzzzzzzzzzzz..........

 

hello Melodi

getting the right thing as always

I thought that Aries should be substitued with pices, you read my mind AGAIN

that is bad, i do not like to be read - at least not that easy lol

Nice "seeing" you again.

I was too busy getting that humor thing.

 

I bid you like throwing parties

but hey, one of my physical sports, are business meetings lol - well yeahh, can turn into physical of course ha ha ha

 

Free Pet Horoscopes​

Which pet would go best with each sign?

Aries: Anything, as long as it's got a lot of energy!

Taurus: A turtle: it¹s slow-moving, doesn¹t need a lot of attention, and won¹t compete with its owner for food.

Gemini: A talking parrot; need I say more? Well, of course I do, but--

Cancer: Anything, as long as it needs to be nurtured.

Leo: A big, bold, ferocious feline, as long as it doesn¹t compete with its owner¹s place in the sun.

Virgo: Let¹s see, I have to get up at 7:30 to feed it, let it out at 7:45, at 10:00 I need to go to the grocery store to pick up three cans of food, which will cost $3.86, including tax--

Libra: Hm, good question. One the one hand, a dog is active, affectionate, and companionable. On the other hand, a cat is pretty independent and won¹t require as much time and attention. Oh, I don¹t know. What would you do? Are you sure?

Scorpio: A cat. Secretive, mysterious, and unpredictable. What¹s not to like?

Sagittarius: A horse, of course! Let¹s hope it¹s got enough stamina to keep up with me.

Capricorn: Do I have to pay for it?

Aquarius: A hamster. First, I¹ve got to set up a detailed cage with tubes going from here to here, and an energy sensor--they don¹t make anything like that? That¹s okay, I¹m sure what I come up with will be much better.

Pisces : Fish. When their owner forgets about them for weeks on end, they¹re easy to replace. If Pisces remembers to replace them...

 

Near Death Experiences and Astrology​

ARIES: "Who's in charge here? I'd like to see God right now, please. Am I dead? Gee, I never thought that could happen to me! Where can I get a crystal palace backlit with white light like that one?"

TAURUS: Leaving the body, Taurus realizes that he or she no longer has a stomach and immediately returns to the body (thud!), without seeing tunnels, light, God, etc., making Taurus skeptical for the rest of his or her life.

GEMINI: The key thing to the zodiacal twins isn't the experience itself, but how they can embellish it when telling the story (or writing about it). Since Geminis are comfortable in all worlds, except those without telephones, they usually bounce back to the body fairly rapidly-- and the mouth tends to work before the rest of the body comes back to life.

CANCER: Cancerians can live to be 125 years old, and they don't usually have near death experiences, but they can come awfully close to having a near life experience when they get brave and venture out of their house for "supplies."

LEO: "Nooooooo, I am NOT dead. I am not, I am not, I am not . . . Who are those guys in the white robes? What's that they're singing . . . ? They're off key. I can sing better than that! Where's the choir director? I need a microphone immediately. Unless it's Rolling Stone or Spin, hold my calls."

VIRGO: Working a marathon 60 hours straight, Virgo collapses and leaves the body. She moves through that delightfully clean and sparkling tunnel of light, occasionally reflecting upon possible improvements . . . but soon becomes so worried by the thought of her loved ones "managing" without her that she snaps back into the body like white lightning, sits up, and calmly pronounces herself alive, glancing at her watch.

LIBRA: Floating out of the body, then in, then out, then in, and finally out again . . . Libra sees a tunnel and a vibrant being of light at the other end. "Wow, is that Jesus? Wait a minute, maybe it's Kwan Yin. That looks like something she'd wear." Never deciding whether to go through the tunnel (after all, what's death without someone to share it with?) Libra ends up back in the body by default, hounded by a mysterious compulsion to start a dating service for discarnate souls.

SCORPIO: Since most Scorpio's have nine lives, they tend to brainstorm different ways to trigger the near death experience. Once nearly dead, most can barely get to the end of the tunnel without meeting some being with whom they have astral sex. When asked whom they prefer to greet them on the other side, 75% name a favorite vampire, and Medusa is a strong contender.

SAGITTARIUS: Sag floats out of her body and has to laugh at the stupid way she bought the farm. After somehow BREAKING the tunnel of light, she absolutely refuses to return to the body, since she's been trying to get out of it for all these years (via clumsy accidents). Because Sag is immensely curious about whether the so-called organized religious have any validity at all, this stroke of luck leads to some amaaaaaazing lessons, until, alas, the astral folks tire of her and trick her into returning to Earth for the duration.

CAPRICORN: It might take Capricorn a little while to realize he's dead because there are special rooms set up to look like executive offices for newly-dead Goats. A sharp-looking, older gentleman-ghost comes in and gives Cap an instruction manual titled HOW TO PROFIT IN THE ASTRAL MARKETPLACE, plus a "job evaluation" type assessment of Cap's achievements and mistakes over the lifetime, followed by a pink slip (meaning the body revived). Caps tend to return to their bodies quickly, unable to tolerate non-physical existence for long.

AQUARIUS: Aquarius gets to the pearly gates, sees that heaven isn't run by consensus, and opts for hell, where at least there is an appealing anarchy and rules are made to be broken. Ironically, Aquarian near-death experiences tend to be extremely traditional, i.e., God the Father, St. Peter, the celestial choir and so on (another reason to rebel and opt for hell). Once in the underworld, they bedevil the hell out of Satan and his cronies with their loud and vigorous campaigns for progressive reforms, and are quickly expelled back to the body.

PISCES: For some reason, our Piscean friends barely notice their near death experiences. Instead, during a typical day at the office, many Pisceans report seeing beings with long-suffering expressions on their faces and who patiently tell the Piscean to go back to his or her body.

 

lmao i love the Leo ones

 

They are really Funny & Adorable

Also Taurus, if you knew one in Reality.

 

"Your Horoscope For Today"​

Aquarius
There's travel in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing Whack-A-Mole seventeen hours a day

Pisces
Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those idiots at work say

Aries
The look on your face will be priceless when you find that forty pound watermelon in your colon. Trade toothbrushes with an albino dwarf, then give a hickey to Meryl Streep

Taurus
You will never find true happiness - what you gonna do, cry about it?
The stars predict tomorrow you'll wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then go back to sleep

Gemini
Your birthday party will be ruined once again by your explosive flatulence
Your love life will run into trouble when your fiance hurls a javelin through your chest

Cancer
The position of Jupiter says you should spend the rest of the week face down in the mud - Try not to shove a roll of duct tape up your nose while taking your driver's test

Leo
Now is not a good time to photocopy your butt and staple it to your boss's face, oh no Eat a bucket of tuna-flavored pudding, then wash it down with a gallon of strawberry Quik

Virgo
All Virgos are extremely friendly and intelligent - except for you
Expect a big surprise today when you wind up with your head impaled on a stick

Libra
A big promotion is just around the corner for someone much more talented that you Laughter is the very best medicine, remember that when your appendix bursts next week

Scorpio
Get ready for an unexpected trip when you fall screaming from an open window - Work a little harder on improving your low self-esteem, you stupid freak

Sagittarius
All your friends are laughing behind your back (kill them)
Take down all those naked pictures of Ernest Borgnine you've got hanging in your den

Capricorn
The stars say that you're an exciting and wonderful person, but you know they're lying If I were you, I's lock my doors and windows and never never never never never leave my house again