You spend more time on Hip Forums sex/kink threads than you researching how to be a better husband. Invest in a life coach instead of hours and hours in the sex threads. I'm sure your wife would love to read your posts. Your wife is testing your strength and you're failing to be a leader in the relationship. (Advice for all men) > Don't ever tell your wife or girlfriend that "we need to start going to bed before our kids so we can have some fun in the bedroom" The level of attraction from your wife is definitely below a 6. You should always be at about a 9. She'd rather working her one job than spend time with a level 6 husband She's gaining weight and not interested in sex because she's lost attraction to you and doesn't want to put one bit of effort in for a level 6 Stop working more hours at work and start working more hours at creatively courting her like when you first started dating Your acting very needy. Women are disgusted by male neediness, it's a complete turn off for them. She missed her yearly OBGYN appointment and I said why don’t you make one then. "I told her it sounds like perimenopaus and a drop in estrogen and they can give you stuff" Women just love it when their level 6 husband becomes a doctor and gives advice about her body. Bad move "I even picked up more slack around the house and more hours at work so I could be out of the house because she hates not having some alone time and says she gets more done at work without us there. Makes sense." < Makes terrible sense, now your working at taking yourself out of the relationship, not being a leader. Your running away. Typical level 6 hudband behavior Your head totally needs to be system restored and reset back to 6 months when you met your wife/girlfriend. Start acting and behaving like you did back then. You were probably at a level 9 of attraction with her
She's testing you. Treat everything as a test. I think you should sit down and re-evaluate yourself and come up with a better game plan.
Bottom line: she agreed to regular frequent sex with you (going to bed before your children do, specifically for that purpose), but she hasn't kept the agreement. You need to re-negotiate the agreement and make it clear and specific. Write it down, if you have to - not a contract, just a few notes that reflect your commitment - words you both agree with. You keep pointing to her as the problem. Get that out of your head. You've failed to hold up your end of the responsibility for communication. You two don't have a sex problem. You two have a communication problem. You say that she doesn't seem interested in sex. Huge red flag. You don't know. You and she haven't talked about it. You and she need to talk about it. It's a subject of interest to you, so you have to bring it up. There's good research on exactly why some couples keep having mutually satisfying sex, and some don't, and some join the 20 percent of couples that are totally sexless. Couples that keep having sex for the long haul do so not because they're in the mood every time they do it, not because there's no stress, no pressure, they're not tired, and there are no dishes in the sink, and no bills to be paid. They have sex even though they're tired, or stressed, or the sink is full, and even though one of them isn't super aroused right then. How, why? Because they've both said it's a priority to maintain intimacy in the relationship, including through sexual contact, and they act accordingly. They check-in on what's going well and what isn't, and make adjustments. First step - talk about priorities. Once you both agree that it's a priority, act accordingly. If you have to, put it on the calendar for Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays at 11 pm, if you both agree to it. What if she says that she's not interested in sex anymore and it's last on her list of priorities? Well, you need to know that. You'd be a sexless couple at that point, but when you said "I do"... "for better or worse"..."until death do us part," that's part of the bargain. Yes, she said "to have and to hold," but you have children, and there's been some sex. She kept that vow. She didn't specify a frequency, duration, or positions in which you'd do it. It's time to revisit exactly what she means now and going forward by "to have and to hold"..."until death do us part." It's time to share your interpretation of those words, and to meet somewhere in the middle. Don't let her bring up her job. Don't you bring up doctors and hormones. These things are totally irrelevant to a discussion about how important sex is to each of you, and when's the best mutually-agreeable time for the two of you to demonstrate how important it is to you. When people want to do something, they find a way. When they don't want to do something, they find an excuse.
Wait for Barry M's or Pete D's advice, they'll know what to do. Edit: oh Pete's already responded, wait for Barry M.
Women want to feel appreciated, just like men do. Appreciate her. Do random acts of kindness not expecting sex in the end. Listen to her, don't talk to her. She sounds like she's in a rut or funk, don't pour gasoline all over it and light a match. It's amazing when you're genuine, sincere, and show empathy to your woman, what can happen. Don't just rub your hard on all over her when you climb in bed each night and expect things to change if you don't put forth good effort. One thing I've learned the older I've gotten is that women don't necessarily want you to solve their problems. They want you to listen to them vent, show kindness, ask some probing questions and let them cycle through it on their own. Unless they specifically ask for a solution.
I somehow completely agree with both Pete and Nubbins. I've lived this, in the last few months I've gone through some huge shifts in my thinking about sex, marriage and manned up like never before. Unfortunately you may take Pete's advice and be the leader and the man your wife craves and she may still find every excuse not to have sex with you. In the end I vowed "or worse" so I'm not going anywhere but I pray every day for things to turn around.
And then again, can't you just hear it, her lamenting with her girlfriends or mother...."oh why oh why would he EVER cheat on me?"........In marriage, you shouldn't have to earn, beg or bargain for sex, within reason. Yes, you can't be a jerk, a slob, be lazy or selfish. But, if she doesn't want to do it, if for zero other reason but to make you, her husband, happy, upon occasion, you've already lost. The ante will just keep going up. "Oh, we need to go on a date". "Oh we need to get away from the kids". "You need to do more around here". "These kids are yours, too". "You need to make more money" . "You need to romance me". Yeah, no shit. You need sex. Why does she get to control 100% of it? I'll never understand how something so wonderful, loving and intimate as sex can be made such a mess of. If you don't want to have that "Honey, it only takes ten minutes a few times a week to keep me off the roof" conversation with her, I suggest you make a regular appointment with your hand to keep things in check so horniness doesn't turn into full on hostility until she finally sees the light. Yes, these are crazy times with kids in the house and jobs, but come on, it's not so much to ask and it's just as hard on you - she spends more time every fucking day on her eye makeup than having sex in a week.. Go to bed every night at the same time, lock the door and turn on the TV for half an hour for background noise whether you've got ideas or not. . the kids will get used to it and think nothing of it and maybe if you're quiet and have been an extra good boy and did your tasks and the stars, moon and planets align right, daddy can just maybe get a ten minute blowjob. What the fuck else can't they blame on hormones ? Been there done that and have made it out to the other side of early menopause alive......
For Pete's sake! No, seriously, listen to the draggin'. Accept that it's perhaps not what you want to hear, but what will help you. Love her. Talk to her. Do things together as a whole family. Don't suggest she get hooked into the pharmaceutical world. Maybe break out some weed if that's possible. Live your commitment. People go through shit. If you make her feel like you're each other's world, she will want to make you happy.
Whew. Using the old massage routine, huh? "Here honey, lie down, let me rub your back" works well" Maybe while you are on a roll with her, maybe you can get a bj in the mean time....
Great that she finally got the message. Keep up the pace. The more you do it, the more you want to do it.
