my man is between jobs and money is running short. he's having problems finding a legit job as well as balance school. he is very down on himself and has a terrible attitude about life in general. what can i do to help him? i have tried listening but his attitude makes it hard for me to be around him (we're both bipolar). any advice would be appreciated.
i love him but i dont have money either. im not going to leave him. we all go through tough times and i just need to know what to say
I take it that he's been diagnosed as bipolar, so my first question would be is he still seeing anyone about it? That would be step one, if possible. If money or personal preference prevent this, you can find plenty of articles on effective communication techniques with people suffering from depression right here on the net. One that's hard to find though is called validation, and it's a really effective skill to use that most everyone knows how to do (it's basically just validating that the other persons point of view has value), but either forget to do it or get caught up in the stress of the conversation, which deteriorates because they didn't follow through all the steps (It is often harder to pull off than it seems). The mother of all mistakes is that the one who should be validating thinks they know all the answers. Whether or not they do is irrellevant, they aren't the one with a skewed perception. Anyways, yeah... this is from another board I frequent: 1) When you first start out using validation techniques let the other person know that you are trying to find a better way to communicate and understand their point of view. This could even encourage more openness. 2) Be an active listener and show interest in what the other person has to say. 3) Don’t be closed-minded to the message because of the way it’s being expressed. 4) Make sure that the other person understands that you are thankful that they are expressing their thoughts and feelings and that you care about what they think and feel and about them. 5) Compliment where appropriate (ie: Often people will show exceptional perception in their observations, yet feel powerless to do anything about it. Compliment that perception). 6) Don’t kill the messenger just because you don’t like the message. Take advantage of the chance to gain the information, whether you like what you hear or not. 7) It's not necessary to agree with the other person. But, once you have validated their feelings and thoughts he/she is likely to be more open to hearing yours. In the end you can agree to disagree, each knowing more about the other. Sorry that was so long, hope it helps though, and good luck
thanks fulmah. i appreciate your input. i found that just holding him makes him feel loved and appreciated.
I'm sure it does, but does it do anything further to address the issue at hand? What happens if you're holding him and start trying to talk about this stuff?
its hard for me to talk to him. anything i say that contradicts him turns into him being very defensive, even if what he is saying makes no sense. for example, he talks about the entire world being against him trying to get a good job. i try to reason with him, but he takes offense to that and so he says mean things to me when i get tired of his bitching. talking to him doesnt help but listening to his rant and just letting him rant while holding him does. anytime anyone tries to reason with him when hes talking crazy, he becomes very defensive. everythings cool now though.
I'm glad everything's going better... however I do want to clarify. Holding him and listening is part of validation. Outright contradicting him is not, as that basically tells him that he's wrong to feel the way he does. Good communication is the foundation of a good relationship, everyone knows this. What many don't know is how to communicate for shit. Listening to your partner, making sure your partner knows that you're listening and are compassionate toward their opinion without judging them, is a start for good communication. Using your example, if he says it seems the world is against him getting a good job, you don't want to tell him or even hint that he's wrong. That would probably start an argument. Holding him and listening is far better than that, but holding him and asking him why it seems the world is against him getting a good job, listening to his response, and then finding something you can agree with in his response to keep the discussion open and amiable, is better. It's hard, especially if it's one of those situations where your partner is practically looking for a reason to explode, but that's exactly why it works.
Glad thaings are sorted now. I loved Fullma's advice, and would just continue to hold him, listen, and agreeing with the things you see as being reasonable or you can relate to. Peace Jess.
