Accepting partner's past

Hello everyone.

I'm starting to date a guy, older than me, and I've recently found out that in his past he did drugs (the heavy kind) for a couple of years and was even arrested for possession of heroine. It was a LONG time ago, he was very very young, still struggling with a rough childhood and after jail he started being super-clean, working hard, steering clear from drugs and everything.

In my mind I know it's alright, he's compensated for his mistakes and that is just the past. I shouldn't judge him for that, but rather for his present, which is good. Also he's over the moon for me, caring, loving and affectionate.

Still, emotionally, I can't get over this drug thing. I'm accepting it in my mind, but my gut doesn't agree. (myself, I have never tried any kind of drug, not even pot, never even smoked a cigarette, and you can count the hangovers in my life on the fingers of one hand)

Any suggestions on how to accept this?

 

Well, I guess hope that he doesn't hold it against you that you're inexperienced about drugs, and unknowledgable about the life of someone who has had to deal with the fallout of being involved with drugs. We all make mistakes!! It's what we do next that really matters.

 

Well said.

 

You're right, calgirl, thanks.

Thing is I've never done *this kind* of mistakes. Maybe it's because of my upbringing, but I honestly have never felt the need of trying that stuff. I've been offered pot a thousand times and wasn't even curious to try. Hence, it's hard for me to understand.

 

Also, I know that by telling me about his past he's giving me a lot of trust and he's being very honest. Still, it's not easy.

 

those that have made it through life without some episodes of substance abuse are fortunate, whether it was a deliberate decision, or an outcome of environment. I'm always impressed to hear these stories. Yet, like anything though, variety and diversity is what life is about. As individuals we aren't going to be attracted only to those that had similar pasts.

 

Your words have helped a lot, thanks.

 

It sounds like you two are on different wavelengths. Yeah it's the past but if you can't accept or understand him and especially if you make a big deal out of it, then it's not going to work. Communicate your thoughts but as soon as you make it seem like he's below you in any way the relationship is doomed.

I've never been into heroin but plenty of other drugs, and there are usually other issues that go along with that like as you mentioned trying to numb pain from a messed up childhood. This is one reason why I'm drawn to females that have been through their own stuff - you understand each other and therefore get closer, if you can trust each other.

But on the other hand you could be exactly what he needs and what you need, and his street smarts might end up keeping the two of you out of any host of bad situations. There is no real reason it can't work if you are really into each other. Just try to not judge his past too much, that's his to deal with. Good luck.

 

He's totally ok now. He did drugs a LONG time ago, has been "clean" since after his few days in jail and did therapy with a shrink. So, no more issues of that kind, but he wanted to be open/honest with me and told me everything about his past, the good and the bad things.

It was a shock at first. As I said, I'm not even close to understanding what drives a person to do drugs. But yeah, I'm dealing with it, the past is the past.

 

Maybe that's the problem
It is impossible for you to relate to him about this

This seems like a bit of a crazy thing to obsess over, to me. I was expecting this to be another thread made by a guy struggling with his girlfriend having had more sexual partners than him.

You should make the choice to accept him for who he is or refuse him for who he was, the sooner the better. Once you've made up your mind, stick to it. It's never fair to hold someone's past against them, that is not the person they are today. If you can't stop holding it against him, just end it, for both your sakes.

 

I really care about this person and I *want* to get over this thing. I think I'm managing to do it, but considering my personal experience it's not easy.
It's never been. In my high school class I was the only one (out of 25) who never tried pot. I'm proud of that, because that's what I am. Still, being this flinty can make it hard to get close to some people.

I don't want to be boastful now (nothing to brag about), but I guess I'm in a minority. More than half of the people I know have done serious alcohol or drugs, or had some other kind of bad habit.
For him, it was in his very youth, he was weakened by the shit he had at home and he just stumbled. Then he fell and he got up again, being stronger than before. He went through therapy and is now a different person.

I appreciate all this. Still, I'm very far to feel how a person can fall into that. I can understand rationally, with my mind, but not with my gut.

 

But anyway, I started the thread when I got the news and got shocked. After a couple of days it's getting easier and I'm not really obsessing about it.

 

It sounds like you're on your way to resolving this in your head.

 

Okay I am not really sure what is up with people giving calgirl dislikes for what she has posted on this thread! Doesn't seem to me she has said anything negative here at all. Nothing like people that carry grudges over from other posts.

 

Yep i have a hate stalker. Hm.....now wonder who it could be.

 

Looks like you have more then one and I get to be added to their list! Yay for me.

 

Absolutely, your words have been precious.

But eh, trolls, that's the way they have fun. Let them play.

 

I think you should just be lucky youre getting laid in the present.. if people could tell the future, and knew the kinda hangups you have. they would have past you up .

 

Amen to that.

 

Seems like a lot of posts have been getting randomly thumbed down lately. I feel bad for the person who goes around and bothers to do that, with the intention of making someone feel bad. Must be a sad, pathetic person.