Forgive me, I've been gone from this forum awhile but was hoping for an enlightening response so I can get back to work on a poem.... When you are writing a poem where you assume a generality about mankind, for example, my poem is about how we face "our" mortality (basically - we don't - most of us in the western world act as if we are immortal). Should my poem say "our" and "we" or should I make it first person. Below is a sampling... to give you an idea of what I'm trying to evaluate: we stare for the briefest of moments. It ebbs in a blink, mocking us, how promptly we forget… even as we lie in it, stretched out among the bones, stones for pillows. OR DOES IT make more sense as: I stare for the briefest of moments. It ebbs in a blink, mocking me, how promptly I forget... even as I lie in it, stretched out among the bones, stones for pillows. I do realize that this is not spoken word but written word... so in general.... when you are drawing broad generalizations should you use "we" or because you know that it is being read by one person, should you make it first person and would the reader connect with it better on a personal level? Any feedback would be appreciated. Yvette (Vetty214)
I usually like to write things like this in the first person. I believe that when they are read they have more impact on the reader, being personal, and lead to a more passionate response by the reader, whether it be in agreement or otherwise. If I read something about 'we', I can discount myself from the general masses and can then believe that the idea does not apply to me. But I want readers to take my poems as something personal so that I get a more emotional response. This is probably all nonsensical but I hope you get what I'm trying to say. Peace, Aidan
Thanks, this is where my mind was going but wanted some feedback/help. It would make sense that it would be more personal. I probably should pick up some of my poetry books and look just for this tactic and see what I find... take care!
I feel the opposite of what Aidan feels. With the use of "we" and "us", I get the feeling I can belong to the group if I chose to, or if I chose to distance myself from the topic, I am free to disclude myself. Just my opinion. Go with what make you like the poem better at the time you are writing it. Good luck, I can't wait to read the finished product. Em
This has been interesting working on point of view with this poem. I've ended up with three poems but then decided on this version (for now ) Ultimately, the first line drove my decision. I wanted to use the one that sounded more powerful so instead of "our" backyard or "my" backyard I used "your" backyard. Thanks to Aidan and Em for their feedback... give me your thoughts on this semi-final version of the full poem if you can. Creek Bed There’s a creek bed snaking along your backyard, dried up and forgotten. In a deluge of death, when it flows red soaking the ground at your feet you sink into the muck; you stare for the briefest of moments. It ebbs in a blink, mocking you, how promptly you forget… even as you lie in it, stretched out among the bones, stones for pillows.
I really like it, but I think it needs more. I expect it to continue....... For now, it certainly reads like the begining of a novel. It grabbed my attention, as though I am waiting to find out what happened, or what the subject in the poem did, to cause this creek to overflow with blood. Who's death is it supposed to represent? Was the subject (person) of the poem responsible for what happened, or did this subject (person) stumble across a mystery? Was the subject (person) trying to solve a crime? This is a great start to what sounds like it will be a great poem. Emery
I can see how you sense a story, but it's more symbolic. The creek bed is a symbol for mortality. The original poem was much longer and mentions "deluge" of death as Columbine, Iraq, etc. (Pasted at end of the post). I probably chipped away at this poem too much because I was playing with symbolism as tecnique here. I work and rework poems a long time - and sometimes to death. This one was initially written in November 2006 and has seen several phases. The next phase may be to add more meat back from the original. Who knows. I study, then I write, then I read. All along I'm learning, experimenting, trying tecniques I find in other poets work or in reading about the craft of writing. I save my first draft of all my poems and then work on them in a separate doc. This helps because then I can always go back to the initial poem to help me remember where I was trying to go. I really appreciate your feedback, it helped me significantly and I think I know which way to go with this next. As mentioned, here's how the initial poem was written on deluge part: In a deluge: Vietnam, Columbine, 9-11, Iraq, and even in the senseless taking of Amish daughters; when the creek bed flows red and the overflow soaks the ground at our feet and we sink into the muck, when the perimeter is betrayed, we stare, but only for the briefest of moments.
