A thread about me... I feel flamboyant now...

Hello. I just started today and i already introduced myself in the intro forum like a good girl. I'm hoping to find a good small community here that i can be part of. I'm a 21 year old Asian girl who is apparently closeted. I'm probably never coming out of it due to cultural and familial reasons.

A little bit about my love-life::

I have had a girlfriend for 2 years. We met online and played games together and after a while, we fell for each other. After two years things fell apart and i ended up breaking it off with her. We still talk and are friends though so that's a plus side.

The second relationship that i had is more complicated. It is with a woman 17 years my senior who is a very religious person. I love her and she loves me but things can never be... After being hurt several times over i decided that i have to get over her now. We were in a quasi-semi- relationship but at the same time we weren't. I had no idea what we had... All i know is that it hurt her every time we were together and i couldn't get enough of her so i decided i needed to end whatever it is we had for both our sakes.

I seems that i have very bad luck when it comes to love. My friend Bunnie tells me it's because i'm searching for something off limits. I suppose some people aren't meant to find love.

My hobbies range from anything such as knitting to playing games to researching about psychopaths to cooking. I apparently have many talents but i'm not exceptionally good at anything really haha. I love hiking and taking long strolls through forest paths (provided i have OFF). As for games, the type of games that I like to play are mainly RPG types and branching from RPG is JRPG. If not JRPG then i prefer the medieval middle earth type. As typical for Asians as it is, I play a mean archer. For books, i like fantasy science fiction, but recently i've been reading lesbian books i torrented. Some of them were good like "The Caretaker's Daughter" (i've read mainstream stuff like Fingersmith also), but a lot of them were very shallow when it comes to plot. It was two people meeting then having sex. There was no development between the two characters (something which i heavily value in a good book). I write stories as well, well... writing is really not the correct word to use. I suck at writing (how stereotypical can i get?) but whatever stories i do make are told orally or are in a form of a synopsis. They're really good stories actually, i've told them to many people who have given be credible critiqued feedback. If you want i can tell you a story too.

If there is anything else that you would like to know about me, feel free to ask and depending on what the question is, i'll give you a reply haha. Treat me kindly and talk to me lots please~ I get really lonely easily and talking is the best remedy for that.

 

What do you mean by I suppose some people aren't meant to find love ?​

 

it means exactly what it says it means. i mean sure i'm still really young, too young to be saying that some might say, but i think it's true in my case. the people that i am attracted to are basically off limits to me and also given my personality, i make a perfect target to take advantage of.

 

well... have nothing to say, 'cause I'm one or two steps behind you. I don't know even how to find a lesbian, let alone falling in love and having relationship with her... so in my opinion you're so lucky, in comparison with me... you have this chance to look for your love, though you may think too ideally.

 

yeah i never really looked for them... it just sorta happened you know? what do you mean by ideally? (not supposed to sound condescending or anything, just don't know what you meant by it eh hehe)

 

Oh, I just said it according to these of your sentences: "My friend Bunnie tells me it's because i'm searching for something off limits." and "i make a perfect target to take advantage of." I mean your beliefs may be different from what others name usual beliefs. not talking about whether it is good or bad you know, I just feel so. Am I wrong? Sorry.
Even if it doesn't happen to you suddenly, you can search for it whenever you want. You are free.

 

ahh. i understand now. my beliefs are the same as hers, but what i am searching for is an older maternal female. Usually they are already married which is barred off limits and everyone says that i am much too trusting or others so that makes me a perfect target to be taken advantage of since i love hard and easily basically... i'm a push over haha

my belief is that love is love regardless of gender and age

yes i technically can search for it, but i don't really know where to find something or someone substantial. usually i just let it be and hope someone finds me.

what about yourself? what are your beliefs and ideals?

 

An older maternal female... Hmm... Do you mind if I ask what do you mean by this? It seems somehow familiar to me.
eh I never fell in love so I don't know or can't say what love is. Well who really knows? but I'm sure it's sweet, what ever it is. I just wish I had a chance to experience it, I really ache for it.

 

sure haha i don't mind at all.

the type of woman that i am searching for is someone who is older than me, probably between late twenties and early fourties. Age isn't really an issue to me and neither is appearance. I look for substance, but by maternal, i mean someone who is nurturing. Along with nurturing is the warmth and security that naturally comes with it.

i really hope you do find it hommayra. for me... it isn't sweet, but it's more of an anticipation. You look forward to spending time with them so much so that it's a prickly painful sensation that is sadistically addicting. Once you've experienced it, you will never forget and depending on what type of person you are, sometimes you might wish you never felt it in the first place.

You will find someone eventually. you're what... 17? you're still a baby. you're just starting life, stepping out. Then again i don't know your situation. I'm only generalizing it from a western viewpoint.

one thing i know is that it's fun talking to you haha. you're actually the only person who talks regularly as far as i've seen haha.

 

Still I can't understand what you mean exactly. My English is not good enough you know ha ha. Excuse me for asking, but do you mean you need someone to take care of you like a mother???
Sounds disappointing. Why do you say love isn't sweet? If it's not, then nothing else is... and death is better than life, ain't it?

In "Introduce yourself" thread, you asked me some questions. Well, I think I don't mind answering them, and I'm gonna answer them in this thread.
My family don't know about my homosexuality. They will never accept it, it's indigestible for them, as it is for most of Iranians. But I will never marry a man. I can never think of a man as my spouse.
As long as I'm with my parents, I don't have a chance to look for a life. I'm studying for university entrance exam. I hope in the nearly future I will leave them and see what fate has in store for me next. It may seem ridiculous to you, but that's the way it is.

I come here 'cause I want to know about lesbians, that's the only way. And I can talk regularly for have nothing special to do, just studying a little as said.

 

oh sorry. I forgot you use a translator to translate to english? I am not looking for a mother figure. I already have one. i am looking for someone who is kind, caring, sweet with a hint of funny. The nurturing is just someone who who is warm and knows how to take care of people. I want a warm relationship where she takes care of me and i take care of her and we both show each other warmth. It sounds boring to many, but that is what i am looking for. A nice quiet warm relationship. It might sound disappointing to you, but it is what i am searching for. I want to spend a lot of quality time with her.

I don't think it's strange at all. i understand where you're from and what you are going through. i hope you do well in your studies. What are you learning so far?

haha. i'm here for basically the same reason. how are you enjoying yourself so far? it's a little dead around here... but if you haven't been talking to me, i would have left a while ago.

 

No, I don't use a translator.
Hey, now I can understand. That's exactly what I'm looking for... Of course there are differences between our needs. But their basis is the same: A warm relationship exactly as you said.
I'm so girly somehow. I want someone two or three years older than me. Someone who can be both a spouse and a friend. I like strong girls, and a little boyish. But not that I like boys!
Oh, thanks. You don't know how hard it is to make oneself ready for the entrance exam in Iran.
I just enjoy talking to you. This forum has nothing in particular.

 

really? wow haha. i guess i got you mixed up for someone else then. what do you have to learn for the entrance exams? i've never taken those before so i wouldn't know how it works. are you trying to apply for a top university?

i like talking to you too haha. it's fun. I agree. there's not much around here. do you speak any other languages other than iranian and english?

 

What? You got me mixed up for someone else?
By "girly", I just mean "I can behave as a girl does against a boy when it comes to living with someone else, or sex, or something." and nothing more. Am I abnormal?

mathematics, physics, chemistry... literature, Arabic, theology, and English... I'm planning to study physics in Tehran.

Only Persian and English. But you see my English is not good.

I guess you use the term maternal just because mother is a symbol of kindness and devotion, and you want a relationship as deep as the one between a mother and girl, right Lorelai?

 

no no i meant that someone else said that they were using a translator and i mistook that for you haha. you are quite normal my friend haha... well, as far as i can tell.

wow... physics... I am more of a biology person haha, but i guess everything requires physics. I suppose that you're very good at math aren't you?

oops... sorry for the iranian? your english is fine, i can understand you and aside from little mishaps here and there with grammar, you are fine.

well... not quite so. when you put it that way, it makes it seem that i want my mother as a partner which is far from reality. i used the word maternal because that invokes a sense of warmth, kindness and unconditional love. I want a relationship that is deep and warm. In a sense, i can see why you said a mother and a girl (i'm assuming daughter), but at the same time a mother daughter relationship isn't what i am looking for.

 

Aha... got it.

I used to think biology was my cup of tea in the past... I was wrong. Well, anyone interested in learning physics must be very good at mathematics. I can't say I am, but fortunately I'm improving.

Wow, really? I feel more comfortable now.

You're right. Oh, sorry... Mother and daughter, yeah...

This forum is for discussing lesbian issues and we're talking about physics. It's all because of me, I destroyed your thread. I'm so sorry.
By the way, Do you know you are the first one in the world that I talked to about my homosexuality? That's funny...

 

haha i don't mind talking physics XD you didn't destroy anything. don't put yourself so down haha. if i understand talking about something, then i'll talk about it haha. i'm not here to strictly talk about lesbianism because that itself is a shallow subject and you won't know a lot about a person other than they are attracted to females.

well i'm glad that you want to talk about it haha. it's good to open up isn't it? since we're on that subject, when did you know that you like females? what's your ideal person?

 

All right. So do you wanna hear my story?
I'm completely confused.

 

I know you're not a psychologist. But if you listen to me, and then tell me your opinion, I'd really appreciate it.

 

haha sure. i would love to hear your story and no i'm not a psychologist, but i do have a tendency to analyze things for fun haha. i'll be glad to hear your opinion :3 hearing stories and telling them are really fun things in my opinion XD haha