A poetry journal says this poem is off beat and I do not know where it is supposed to be so or agree with that judgment. Please tell me where this poem is off beat. Thanks in advance. May 16th On Thursday sixteenth of May It’s a public holiday. Most channels I cannot see, On my satellite TV. A receiver I have none. So TV is not much fun, And digitalised are they. For receivers I can’t pay. After having soft, fried, egg Toast and coffee, from the peg I plucked my leather, jeans, coat Slightly smeared with milk and oat. Strange pastries made a nice scent At the Turkish shop I went. What a giggly girl, I thought From whom Tutku I had bought. After that I sought to pay A visit to some café’ Shrugging my nose, I could tell, Curry was close, from the smell. To my right two Indians sat Guzzling curry, getting fat. They wiped their hands on their hips As they’d loudly smack their lips. They joked if, with them, I’d dine. Kindly I had to decline,
Calm Down, It's Only Been Three Hours Since You Posted It, And America Is Fast Asleep, Be Patient Grasshopper... Cheers Glen.
I don't know what you mean by off beat... It's just a cute little dogrel. Don't get too intense over it.
The editor also said that the inverted and backword lines made the poems seem unnatural. Who agrees or disagrees with that statement?
It's dogrel not a villanelle. The 'backwards lines' (I don't know what kind of degree this editor has but his term are...interesting...) is what helps make this cute. The only line that really reads poorly is: And digitalised are they And the problem with this line is the word digitalised. The syllables make the word cumbersome in relation to the flow/lilt of the rest of the poem. "To my right two Indians sat" You're a syllable out of sync here with the rest of your poem.
To my right two Indians sat Guzzling curry getting fat. They both have four feet. How is that off-beat. And dig-it-al-ized are they (dum-da-dum-da-dum-da-dum) That also has four feet, like the rest of the poem. Even though it is not easy to pronounce, it is not off beat. Plus are you saying that inverted lines only belong in dogerel and not in high brow poetry?
I didn't say digitalized was 'off beat', I said it reads poorly. As in cumbersome to the tongue. I'm not saying inverted lines only belong in doggerel... I'm saying the poem is doggerel, the inversion are what make it cute. (Infact, it's the speech pattern that makes this poem, to me.) That in no way implies that inverted speech can't be high-brow. Three syllable words can be a pain when dealing with any meter because you're just never sure if the reader is going to 'say it' right. I fight with this myself. I generally try and go for full syllabic pronunciation (esp in haiku) but there are so many exceptions to the rule for playing with words....Guess that's why we workshop our stuff, eh?
I checked the definition of the word doggerel and it seems as though you really know your stuff. My verse can be seen as as doggerel though I did not know that it was doggerel and since I sent the verse to a journal for light verse, which doggerel is, the reaction of the editor towards inversion was strange. Not only is inversion too common in vers to frown upon, but a often in doggerel. You are right that the editor is dodgy. She also claimed she only publishes iambs thaugh it does not say that in the poetry guidlines and it would be stupid as well to reject a good poem only because it falls under the category of an anapest, trochee or spondee and accept a boring one simply because it fits her funny criteria.
Some poetry magazine people can be really arbitrary and weird about their page poems. That's part of why they dislike us Slammers so much. Glad I could help.
You really did help. Since you like exotic verse have you tried experimenting with the Tanka and the tanaga?
We've played with the Tanka quite a bit. My husband wrote a play that was pretty much 50% haiku and tanka. My personal goal is at the next big poetry gather to have Tanka circles. I'm not good enough to cypher with the big boys, but I can spit out 5 and 7 syllable lines all day. My other goal is to be in the Haiku Death Match at our Nat. Slam. It's as fun as it sounds. You gotta be packing at least 50 haiku to enter. Dirty and political haiku do rather well. Sadly I can't make it this year. Saskatoon is a long expensive trip.
I know the feeling. What are your views of these two sonnets and how could they be improved? http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=455702&f=24
What the fuck have I been doing with my life that I have never been to a fucking HAIKU DEATHMATCH?!?!
