Hi all. I appreciate any input anybody might have in advance. I know this isnt a place to come to get magical solutions and answers, but outside perspectives always help. My girlfriend and I have been together for about 2 years now. I have known from the first week that I was with her that she was the only girl that I would ever marry, if any at all. She is from chicago and I am from Los Angeles. WE did the long distance thing for about 6 months unitl I moved out there. we lived there for 8 months, and now we live back out here, supposedly for good. I have never loved someone the way i love her, i would do anything, even give my life, for her. recently, she has been incredibly homesick. All she talks about is how she dislikes it here and how much she misses home. She acts like home is perfect (even though it is far from it, she has had some major shit happen to her in her home town. the negative energy there was slowly killing her, but she cannot see that) and here is an awful, horrendous place. Everytime she goes home for a visit she tells me how much she just wanted to stay. granted, i want her to be happy and to do what will make her happy, but i she is making my life insanely difficult. not to be selfish, but i am a first year law student and i barely have time to do anything but study, and all of the time that we would get together she is either grumpy and complaining or on the computer ignoring me. She went home over thanksgiving and met up with one of her friends that was also in town. she didnt tell me much about him. today, she left her email open went she left for work, and she had a long email from him. I felt really bad, but i read it, just to see. Not because i was checking up on her, but because i feel so disconnected from her i just wanted something. anyways, it was from that kid, who was talking about how good she looks on her myspace, and how she is his favorite ex girlfriend ever, and how he is sorry that he has been throwing himself at her recently. now, this is all very disconcerting. not that i think she would ever cheat or anything, but still. she has almost an emotional thing going on it seems. and she never wants to talk about whats going on. i always ask her what shes looking at, again not to be super nosy but just because i want some insight into her brain right now. she always tell me to give her privacy. the more and more she talks about going home, the more hurt i am. but at the same time, the more i think that that might be the only thing that makes her realize that she doesnt want to be at home without me. but, at the same time, i know that if she goes home thats it, and ill probably never see her again, which just might kill me. anyways, our life has been really hurting, and i know that my schoolwork and whatnot is really suffereing from all of this, and i want it to be resolved in a positive way. but i dont know what to do. every suggestion i make she shoots down and tells me im wrong, but then she gets mad for me not helping her figure things out. i dont know what to do. also, our physical relationship has been almost non existent. and not just sex, but being close. if there is ever a kiss to be had, its always a little peck and its me initiaitng. same thing with even a hug, when we are bed she stays over on ehr side unless i come to her, and then she tells me to stop after a few minutes. every day my heart breaks a little bit more. i try to get her to come out wth my friends and meet the ones she hasnt, and she tells me they make her uncomfortable. all she does is sit at home and be sad. she complains tgat i dont plan things and take her out, but when i do, we get to where we are going and she doesnt want to stay there. sorry for the rambles, i know i ended it pretty abruptly, but i could go on all day i think. any input or thoughts or anything would be greatly appreciated. i dont want to lose her and i want her to be happy. thank you. one love
Man... I really feel for you. I wish I could help you but I'm clueless on advice. I really hope everything goes alright. Everything always work for the better in the long run, even if it means making you miserable in the short. I feel you for you.
quite a predicament. well, i've been with me man for 8 on and off years. the two year marker hit, and i felt annoyed with him (he was jealous of my social/music life). we loved each other, but broke up, just for the space. we've done this about 7 times, and we always find our ways back to each other. it sounds like you two need a lil space between. is this yours/hers first serious relationship? will her mom talk to you at all about her? is she used to getting her way? if you're really lost, write her a letter and ask her what's up. tell her how you feel and find out if she's digging this relationship as much as you are. let her know that she needs to be happy with herself, before she can be happy in a relationship. if homesickness is the real reason for her unhappiness, you GOTTA know. i wish i could tell you how to help her be social or content. tried anything that gives her memories of home? how 'bout a visit from a friend, brother, or sister? i hope all goes well for the two of you. ..or that my input helps . .. . nicole
wish I had more time to elaborate, but I'm holiday in literally five minutes. hopefully someone here can give some better advice, but basically... don't resent her for being homesick. it will backfire on you, and it's the distance between you, imo, that's really bothering you. is she very social, have many friends she can hang out with, is her life interesting at all comparatively to what it was when she was at her home? moving to another city away from all the people we've spent our entire lives building friendships with is something most people aren't too good at. to top it all off, the way you describe her behavior sounds like she's depressed. depression is not something to be taken lightly.
thanks for all of the input guys. Really good words and really good advice. I am going to sit down with her tonight and try and figure out what the hell is going on. as far as her life, she works, but she doesnt like the company she works for, but she got a better offer and refuses to take it. she says that she doesnt want to deal with starting over. i dont know. i try to get her to come out with me and the four friends or so i have, but she doesnt ever want to. I try to encourage her to get back into photography, because she loves it, and she says it costs too much money. I tell her I will get more student loans if it will allow her to work less and pursue school or something else she loves, she counters with " i have bills, you wouldnt understand that". im my wits end here, i am willing to do anything. anyways, thank you all for the input, i really appreciate it. i have a tough couple of days ahead of me, i really hope everything works out, not just for me, but for her as well. i love her to death and all i want is for her to be happy. i just dont want for us to make the wrong choice and a few years down the line know it and be miserable. oh well. thus is life i guess
Some people don't want help until they're ready. If that is the way she is, then nothing you can do will improve the situation. Sorry about it. Peace & Love
If you love her as much as you say you do,why don't you move with her to her hometown?That would be one solution,but I think you have a bigger problem.I think your girlfriend is not as in love with you as she used to be and that is why she is showing interest in her ex and in moving back home. ~peace & love
I already lived with her out there. I moved out there with her, until the school situation mandated that we come back here. as for the other guy thing, i dont think that she is or would actually cheat. but, it looks very suspiscious. and whenevr i ask her why she is acting so secretive she gets incredibly defensive. to top it all off, yesterday i saw her changing the passwords to everything that she uses. really shady stuff going on. i need to ask her whats up, but i think if i do it will be the last straw. but, i know that if i dont we will never work out anyways. i hate this
I hope some of my imput can help you. I moved away from my family (across the country as well) 5 years ago to be with the man whom is now my husband. It is not an easy transition to make. I felt very homesick and hard a hard time being away even though it wasn't always perfect when I was there. To this day I get homesick, and I'll wish I was in Michigan instead of Texas, where I am now. I can totally understand how she is feeling. For a long time the move put a big bump in my relationship with my husband. My depression (because of the big transition I had made) put a big rift between us. I resented him for moving me out here and then not understanding what I may be going through because of that move, and I felt alone in this new place. I had a lot to come to terms with, and once I was able to communicate to my husband that i needed help and support regarding this issue specifically (I wasn't so vocal about it at first) we were able to move forward. Things aren't perfect (NEVER perfect =p), but we are happy. To me, right now she seems to be acting devensively, she has put up and emotional wall to you. She may resent you for this move, for where she is at. She may be afraid of the big change she has made in her life and the outcome of it. Who knows, but what you need to do is show her massive amounts of support and understanding (without being too pushy or invading her privacy - like reading her email). It is very important that you show a lot of empathy towards her. You need to let her know you recognize and care about how she feels, and you understand that she is having a hard time with this transition. And not just once, but constant support. She needs to know that she is on your mind, and that her state of happiness is important to you. Communicate, communicate, communicate....that is the key. And it is a two-way street. You can be making your best effort, but she has to try and work at it too - and you can't force her to. Just don't force her away by invading the privacy she is asking for. If I knew my man was snooping through my emails I would change the password too, regardless if there was something in there I may not want him to read. It's a respect thing. I wish I could say it's all gonna work out the way you want, I certainly hope that it does. Don't give up if you really love her! Best wishes!
Hey dude, sorry to hear about your situation. It is hard for a guy to guess what a woman deals with when things are on the emotional realm, and we are also ill equipped to fix it. If you love her, you should wait it out. If she did cheat, nothing you can do now will change that. If she is still cheating (emotionally) it will surface sooner than you will want to know. Time will resolve this problem one way or the other. If it were me, I would keep my focus on finishing school. That is the best option for the two of you if things do work out. Be supportive when she is ready. And ask yourself if you can forgive her if she has been unfaithful. If you can't, then love is not what you have, and you can live without her. If you can, then you have a chance. You can bet that the rest of your lives together will offer difficult challenges, and each will will have it own solution. Often we create bigger problems in how we deal with situations, and those problems determine the end of our relationships. You do not have to decide if this is a problem or a situation, which is what time will decide. Good luck. James
sera michelle- thanks! that seems to be almost exactly what is happening right now. we have been doing better. i thinl she has turned a corner. she told me last night that going home wouldnt make her happy, it would just be her running away from the huge change that scares her. i think we are going to be ok. we have been talking more about it and she definitely seems open to my suggestions and input in a way that she wasnt before. we have set a plan up where we are going to move and get our own place soon, which should really help. she is going to quit her crappy job and go back to school full time in the fall. things are looking up thanks for all of the input everyone, i really appreciate it. peace and love to all
